This isn't a question. It has triggering content. Including violence.
I have seen heaps of posts lately where women in bad situations are afraid of what will happen if they leave. That they won't survive on their own. I just want to say "I DID!" It's painful to remember, but if it helps it's worth it.
I had my first child at 20, she was beautiful, and I was lucky. Her father was controlling, he controlled who I could talk to, how much of my money I could spend. "Pathetic" was a word I heard a lot, like every day. And I was constantly berated for "not doing anything all day" although he always had clean clothes to wear for work and my daughter was always clean and fed.
We eventually moved in with his parents, 45 minutes out of town. Which was actually a good thing as his parents are wonderful. They eventually moved out and we were left to fend for ourselves again.
This was the beginning of the end. He started drinking more and more and my isolation was almost complete. Until one day my daughter was exceptionally sick and it turns out that she had been given a large amount of alcohol, by her father. I tried to make him see that what he'd done was wrong, but that made things worse. It got to the point where I was backed into a corner and pushed hard. I'm not a person to back down and I finally snapped, I had to punch him to get away, and he nearly hurt my daughter once more. I locked myself in a room and once he had passed out from alcohol I packed as much of my stuff up and left.
The following months were horrible. I went on centrelink, stayed with friends and family until I finally found a share house with a friend. I was getting over it then the nastiness started. From hurtful nasty comments, to me organising to get the rest of my stuff and him turning up with mates, and refusing mediation. We ended up going to legal aid mandated mediation.
We eventually agreed to (at the mediators "suggestion") start off with supervised visits at a park and work up to over night, eventually to one weekend a fortnight. Things went ok for a while, until he started dating. His new woman was problematic. I heard stories from his family and friends that he was leaving my daughter with his girlfriend while he worked (10 hours a day) and she was "disciplining" my daughter. (It was detailed enough and came from enough people that I believed it) This was unacceptable by anyone's standards more so because of our previous situation.
I started keeping a diary of everything that happened. I was harassed by this woman and threatened, the police were involved in multiple occasions. The final incident occurred when he refused to give my daughter back (I had to survive a week or more of hell, not knowing what was happening and calling lawyers and police.) when he finally agreed to give her back, I was bodily assaulted, throttled and I had a witness. I stood my ground and stared him down. I remember feeling like I was watching from outside and applauding this strong person who was finally standing up to this man who had made my life hell for years (my daughter had just turned 2 at this point)
He still had my daughter though. I was stuck. I went to the police. They documented the injuries and started a report. I rang my lawyer to get a contravention order (he had not given my daughter back when he was supposed to have)
I hand delivered the notice (without contacting him at the time) half an hour later when I was safe, I sent a message telling him I had delivered something and he had better read it.
He agreed to give my daughter back if I came to his place. I disagreed and said the police station. He gave her back.
Not long after, he and his now wife, had fallen pregnant and I was "causing too much trouble" so he gave up all rights to my daughter. I fought for her and after years of suffering I won. And I would do it again to keep her safe.
He has calmed down over the ensuing years and he is now invited to her public birthday parties. I now have 2 children and a wonderful partner who thinks the world of us, I have a great job I enjoy that allows me to spend the weekends with my kids and my daughter has gone on to excel in school. She was the only student in her grade to get a perfect behaviour award for the year last year. I have a wonderful group of friends and a happy life.
It was hard, it was terrifying, but it WAS necessary. My daughter is safe, and happy and one day when she is ready, I will explain properly why she didn't grow up with her dad, in the hopes that she will never suffer the same fate as I did.
If this story saves even one person from this hell, then it was worth the pain of remembrance.
7 Replies
You are an amazing woman!!!! I'm in tears right now after reading your story. What an inspiration you are! I haven't been in a domestic violent relationship so I can't even imagine the pain, but I'm sure the way you opened up about your journey will help a lot of women on this sisterhood :) I don't know you but you are a superwoman in my eyes!!! Xxxx❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I am one of those posters. sorry to hear your story it makes me MAD and ANGRY and SAD. I dont know what faze of all this I am at. (I posted asking for help from DV victims and survivors.) But I seem to be building up my strength, I dont know if he will get more physical because I am feeling better. I feel like I can think more clearly since I was put on medication After suffering panic attacks and I am seeing a phychologist and he wants me off my meds I refuse. I will not let him take me away again and make me so low that I have no selfesteem. I know what this is now. I dont think I love him anymore i love what he was not him now not when he is angry which is becoming so frequent. I have detached from him and it wont come back. I cannot touch him. I shutdown. I have no idea of my feelings and why this is happening. I want it to work because I know if he was like he was I could love him.
I really suffer with my son who is 5 behaviour. Even when my partner is at work I have to put up with his mood swings.
I feel like I am failing as a mum.
I have told myself I will make a safety plan. Not ready to leave I will make a plan and I will go to a support group and tell him its a playgroup. And just go when he is at work. I wont ask. I will just do it.
I have read your story and will ready it when I need reminding its not only me. Everyday I try and research to remind myself its not me and this is what it is.
You have helped me by sharing this and I really thank you as hard as it is To go back. Every story I have read had helped me realise that I am living this too. So many similarities. even if they are different stories.
can I ask a sensitive question? Of course i of all people understand if you dont want to answer. how does the battering start and escalate did you know it would escalate?
At the moment he is grabbing me, twisting my wrists, preventing me from leaving the house by taking the keys off me or unplugging our garage door so I cant get out. Me and the kids locked in the car to stay away from him. He has pushed me After snatching my phone of me And running off with it. He only does this when he is in his bad moods. I have a feeling he sometimes tugs at my hair for a reaction do you think this could be him working upto hair pulling.... and escalting... this sounds physical doesnt it?
Weird I gues but sometimes I wish he would hurt me so I would be able to leave and be ok with it. People might believe me then.
X
Oh hon. I think I've read a couple of your posts I have just wanted to give you the biggest hug.
If you ever need someone to talk to my email address is CafeLatte06@outlook.com. I have experience with homelessness and domestic violence.
You are not failing as a mum. You are strong and you are focussing your life around your son. You are also going through an incredibly tough time. Be compassionate to yourself.
You are putting one foot in front of the other! You're bringing in resources - you're making a safety plan and you are reaching out for a support group and seeing a psychologist. That is a HUGE step. That is something you should be proud of
The severity of domestic violence - the physical as well as the emotional/financial etc aspects escalate over time. It's all part of the cycle of domestic violence.
http://www.dvrcv.org.au/about-us/relationship-violence.
http://www.hruth.org/domestic-violence-dynamics.asp
It's OK for a woman, regardless of whether or not she has children, to leave any relationship that she is in, for any reason.
I'm the poster ^.Mine was mostly emotional and mental abuse. I left after the first sign of violence. However after I left he got worse, I remember him beating up his car when I was protected my a male friend who was bigger than him. I found the angrier he was the nastier he got and the more I defied him the closer he got to violence. By the end I was so scared of getting him angry that I just gave in most of the time.
I hope you find your way out. Life without that stress can still be stressful but it's freeing.
You are so lovely to share this.
There is ALWAYS hope for a life free of violence
Its so good reading your story. I have left a horrible scary relationship and had to get a recovery order for my children as their father took off with them after trying to break my arm and punching me in the face in front of them. He was using ice at the time and those 5 nights without my kids was the worst time of my life. I had to leave the state as he told me he would kill me if I ever took the kids. I live in fear that he will just one day rock up. Now we are going to court s he wants access to the kids. Our son had to have counselling and our youngest withdrew and stopped talking and back to nappies. Now she's completely toilet trained and talking again after a nearly a year of hard work and my son is a loving happy little man. I know they need contact with him but at the same time am so worried he could set them back again. Its so scary to be with someone you think loves you to turn on you so violently. He's threatened to kill me so many times and threatened to taser me in the face. The house was full of weapons and I wasn't allowed a phone or to see anyone I literally thought I would just disappear one day and no one would know. He through a coffee pot at me one day and I got burnt by the boiling hot water.
Before the drugs he was such an amazing partner and dad, and it still breaks my heart that he code the drugs over us.
After 12 months I am finally getting my life back together and its hard but its so worth it. Last year was so full on trying to pick up the pieces and all my hard work has paid off asnow we are finally ggetting somewhere. I have an amazing family and friends which I am so grateful for. Without them I don't know where I would be right now.
Its so nice to have a life and be able to go out and have a fun life.
Reading your story gives me hope, I don't think I could trust another man, but at the moment my focus is on my children.
Before this relationship I was in another DV relationship which he did actually try and kill me. I think I just attract those sort of men for some reason. But now I have 3 beautiful children and we are happy so I am blessed that I survived and to have them.
Thank you for your story xxx
My ex still wont leave me alone and its been 6 yrs now why ??????