I only have my 9.5 year old child in my care on weekends. The rest of the time she's cared for by her father. How do I get through the guilt and feeling like a terrible mother who has abandoned her child? Please don't say anything nasty chances are I've already said it to myself and I don't need to hear it again.
4 Replies
Why don't you speak to a counsellor? As long as she is looked after well at her dad's you have nothing to feel guilty for. I have a number of male friends who have the majority care of the kids and they do an amazing job. That's not to say you wouldn't do an amazing job, but these rules that society puts on us as women, the expectation that we are the only person suitable to have majority of care, is a load of nonsense!
I agree with the above, see a counsellor and talk about it, find some strategies ect. I just wanted to let you know to - you aren't a terrible mother who is abandoning her child. Even though you have not put the reason in here why, which is irrelivent anyway to the question, you have put the best interest of your child first despite your own feelings, bravo mum you are great. Also you aren't a weekend mother, would you drop everything if your child was sick and needed you? I bet the answer is yes, you are a mum full stop nothing more to add to that title. Enjoy the time you have with your little one, it isn't always about quantity but quality, fill your daughters head with great memories of you and her. It is really sad how dads can have their child on weekends and not be judged but us women we feel guilty and get judged over it, as long as you are doing it for the best interest of the child you are doing the right thing.
Keep a journal throughout the week - write your thoughts and feelings down so that you can express them and don't bundle them up. It's a great way to keep track of things you want to share with your daughter on the weekend and at her age she can keep a journal too - or you can email each other just to touch base throughout the week. Anything to help you both feel connected. Please remember that every mother feels guilty and like a terrible mother at times - no matter what the family dynamics are. We do this to ourselves because we have so many different people and media in society setting impossibly high standards for us. Your daughter just needs to know that you are always there for her to talk to and if she's looked after well by her father, you can relax and just do your part. You are her mother - nothing will take that away from her. There are many kids out there that maintain a relationship with a father that they see on weekends, so she will certainly be able to maintain a relationship with you.
I'm hearing you IM!! I have recently become a "weekend mum" myself and it is so hard isn't it!! I became one because I felt that my child would benefit from living with her dad who is about to be remarried as there will be someone there to see her off to school everyday and someone at home every afternoon. As a single parent I can't do this for her and she need that at her young age (4) when she is a bit older we will talk about her returning to live with me as primary carer but that will be her decision.
Anyway enough of my story. Every visit she has with me we make a scrapbook page before she returns to dad's. When I get sad I look at the book and remind myself that its better that she associates all these fun happy times with me than being a Mum who is never there for her and never home. I am always at the end of the phone for her and she knows that.
Keep your head up IM!! You made a great personal emotional sacrifice and no one else truly knows how big that is unless they made the same choice. Surround yourself with loved ones through the week (trust me they are there!!), and be present on the weekends with her. Take moments to stop and really look at her, look at how happy and healthy she is and acknowledge that you help her feel that way. You are doing the best you can by her and that's all anyone can ask. That is the most you can ask of yourself!!!!