Hi everyone,
I am a single parent of 2 teenagers and for a long time now have been completely overwhelmed with problems.
I am already on anti-depressants and thus far unable to withdraw from them. I have stacked on weight in the years I have been on them and so am feeling quite "anti" anti-depressants. If I was able to get off Aropax without the horrific withdrawals I would switch to something else in order to give myself a bit of leverage, though (yes, I have tried the long, slow taper method).
The reasons for my depression were related to childhood abuse by my narcissistic mother, as well as a bunch of health problems I have been having ever since my kids were born. Even before I had my children my late teens and early 20's were blighted by the trauma of my upbringing. I think I had some form of PTSD and I often struggled with intense suicidal ideation. The classmates that I had at school, that were equal to me in terms of intelligence and ability, have gone onto have brilliant careers while I just floundered and struggled to just survive.
Some of the health issues I've had over the past decade are diagnosed, and some are not and are still under investigation. My health had become so compromised, especially over the past year, that I was unable to work and my kids and I have been struggling to survive on a pension. The financial stress of this has not helped matters and I often go to bed worrying about money and wake up with the anxiety still gnawing at me.
The unit we live in is completely dilapidated and the owners do not fix anything as we have been here for years and I expect they think I will be here forever. The carpet is atrocious and the door knobs are falling off and my kids are embarrassed to have their friends come over. I want to move but because my health has been so bad I haven't had the considerable energy and strength I would need to do this. Also, without a job at present, I don't know whether I stand a chance in the rental market.
I am so often in a bad mood, or else struggling not to cry, in front of my kids. I feel like I have ruined their childhoods because I could not be the sort of mother they needed and I wanted to be. Although I am not abusive like my own mother was, I feel so very, very inadequate. My youngest has ADHD and learning issues and she is 2 years behind in literacy at school. I feel like this is largely my fault as I have not been able to provide ongoing and consistent help because of my own problems. I have taken her to specialists and experts, but providing one-on-one daily support is what I need to do and I have not had the strength or mental clarity to do this.
I have thought about sending my kids to live with their father, but I think they would be even worse off, to be honest. He has a very short temper and struggles to deal with them for one weekend each fortnight. There is no other family to help. I am (gratefully) estranged from my "mother" who did more harm than good; and my father is a high-functioning alcoholic who has helped us sometimes financially but isn't reliable for other support. I do love him but he is limited in his ability to provide practical assistance.
Many, many times I have wondered if I am better off ending it all. I sometimes think my kids would be better off without me and all the baggage that I have. I know this is not really true, but I honestly don't see a way out of this mess. I honestly feel that if one more thing were to go wrong that I don't know how I will be able to go on. Please be gentle in your replies as I am feeling quite fragile.
3 Replies
Big hugs, I think the hard thing to do when your in the 'place' you are in right now is to gather the strength and energy to prioritize and do some things that would make you feel even slightly better and slightly better gives you hope and momentum into further change, but without that first step…
Im wondering if you think something like a social worker could assist you? They can probably help with organising practical support. Talk to your GP or counsellor/psychologist.
I dont know where you live but are you on the public housing list? In SA you jump up the list for having a medical condition/disability and I think you would qualify. Its still a few years wait but it would give you peace of mind in the long term future having cheaper rent.
Ive never missed out on a rental for being on a pension. Ive missed out because too many people applied but not because I was a pensioner. Imagine living in something that is even slightly nicer and how much better you will feel.
Local counsellors also offer supports have a look at your local councils website mine offers house cleaning, gardening etc to people who have an illness or disability.
I think you are so brave for opening up like this and i want you to know i think you are very strong. I personally understand most of what you are saying as we live in a house that my children are embarrased of (but cant afford renovations-heck cant afford more than basic food right now) and i have also pondered if ive ruined my childrens lives by being a depressed and anxiety ridden person (due to death of a child) and also gone through suicide battles.
But, as children get older they will forgive messy houses and broken door knobs as long as they were loved. You are teaching them strength by getting up every day and pushing on and they will one day see that. Money isnt everything, if it were than rich people wouldnt be sad or get divorced. Its love that matters.
I hope you are seeing someone about your thoughts and feelings as it can help to let it all out and they can also help point you in the right direction if you are feeling lost.
It does seem like you have alot going on at the moment, so pick one problem and make a start on it, even if its only a small start, dont pressure yourself to fix everything at once as its just not possible.
I sincerley feel for you and i wish there was something i could do to help. Please remember that you DO matter and you are not alone xx
I agree with both of the other responses and hope that you are able to take on board some of their advice. I just want to say that your children love you, and no, they would not be better off without you. If you are able to express your love to them, then nothing else matters. It would be great for you all as a family to find a nicer place to live, but it's not the end of the world. As teenagers, kids are usually embarrassed by anything to do with their parents, so don't sweat that stuff. My house is falling apart too, but my family love it, it's home. We sacrifice a new home for living life and enjoying our time together. I hope that you may find your way to a healthier and better life with your family one small step at a time. All the best.