We've been married 7 years. He earns about 4 times what I do. We have linked but separately managed bank accounts. We've always gone halves in mortgage, rates, insurance, utilities and large purchases like lounges and TV's. I pay for our 3 childrens things, many of which are expensive as one has special needs. I buy my own car, he buys his. 6 months ago I started a separate account, the reason is he's dreadful with money so I keep my savings separately in case he raids it.
Recently he created his own separate account, his reason being that I have one. Unfortunately this means I don't have access to his money, and he's not managing it well. I've had to pay the bills his month. He can't see that having a separate account is bad, because I have one. There are a range of issues in our marriage - I shut him out and live on Facebook because of his financial selfishness, he whinges I don't put out, he picks fights and I scream back at him.
I can't leave, I have nowhere to go. He won't leave - I've asked him. He doesn't make time for counselling. I now have no money as he's not paying his bills. What the fuck do I do? I'm at the end of my tether.
4 Replies
Sorry I have written a novel, but just want you to see my story. I was in a relationship exactly like this for 9 years. He only earnt 25k more than me though, but I was on really bad wages so it was a lot. We each had our own account and one joint account.
Basically all bills and house repayments came out of the joint, we each put the exact same amount, after being paid separately, into the account and if we didn't have enough, I was the only one who would think to top it up before we were overdrawn.
For the first few years I would always have savings, and he would never have any. He had a $27k car loan which is where he told me was where all his money went. He crashed his expensive car and it took 6 months to get fixed (all imported parts etc) on the day that we received the call to say it was ready he had $120 to put towards his $2000 excess. So of course, I had to pay for it. $120 savings in 6 months knowing his excess could come at any point!!!!
In the 4 years we had the house, I ended up paying 20k more than him for various things. In the end I only had $20 a week to spend on myself while he had more as interest rates were rising, and we had credit card debt that I didn't know about for little things that were never paid off (it was only in his name). We never really discussed our finances but it was stressing me out, I didn't eat lunch because I couldn't afford it. Yet he would eat a $12-$15 take out meal each day. He had a gym membership and played sport each week. I did nothing.
In the end he would play playstation from the moment he got home till 2am every morning, then would go masturbate in the study then come to bed. If I cooked dinner, I would never get a thank you. If I cleaned he would never say thank you. He never cooked or cleaned.
Because I was broke, I was stressed and I spent every moment of every day thinking about bills, so I was never in the mood to have sex. And he would never ever spend time with me or do nice things to put me in the mood, like watching a chick flick instead of playing play station. I wanted to get married, but couldn't see how he could ever save for a ring, let alone a wedding, honeymoon,babies etc.
My point is. In the last 6 months of our relationship, I finally started to question our finances. I found out that for the 4 years of us having the house I did not spend anything on myself (all my clothes were from birthdays and Christmas or my sisters and friends hand me downs - yes, at 26 I was still wearing hand me downs) ans his $27k loan was only down to $25k. For the last 2 years I had to get a car loan for a new car, he had agreed that he would help pay as he was the one driving it. He didn't pay a cent towards it, and in the two years I had paid off $7k all by myself. He was so selfish. Where on earth did his money go. He lived the life while I went without.
Needless to say that relationship ended. Best thing ever. However, I do wish that the one thing I had changed was to handle all the finances myself as I would be in such a better position now.
I would have done it this way.
Both pays go into one account. All bills and day to day livings are paid from that account.
Separate savings account/home loan offset account. Does not get touched unless both sign at a bank.
Each have an individual separate account. An equal allowance from bill account gets paid weekly into each persons account. If you spend it all, bad luck. If you manage to save and he doesn't, then it's a bonus for you and you can't feel guilty about having it as he has the exact same chance to save as you do.
Decide on amounts that work for you, if he feels he needs more than you, that is fine but make sure you get enough too. You are married, not in a new relationship where you are unsure if it's going to work.
Money is such an important yet unimportant thing in every relationship. You should never have to fight about it. If his way doesn't work, then you need to try take control. Involve him in the process so he doesn't feel like you are taking over, but explain to him and show him what you pay for that he doesn't and he may see that it is unfair and be happy to work on it.
Good luck. Ps. My ex was an accountant, go figure
This is not a relationship! This is a business arrangement :(
You can leave, there is always somewhere to go. Caravan park, friends spare room, where ever you have to. Or you raid the accounts for enough money for bond for a rental. If he wants the house let him have it. Go get some legal advice. Stop enabling his childish ways and make your move. Get the bills like the electricity out of your name, who cares if his power gets cut off, that's his problem!
The purpose of a secret savings account is "just in case" money. We've been married 40 years and I still keep a stash he has no idea about; and will only find out if I die and he'll read it in my Will. My dad told me years and years ago to "always have an out"..... I met and married my husband after 6 month, so I figured it wouldn't last. He never really knew what my income was until tax day ... and I always had bills paid, food on the table, mortgage paid and kids fed... so he had no expectations of me explaining "where the money went"... In fact.. I offered for him to pay all expenses and he almost cried. I track all spending and plan my budget. I can honestly say... in 40 years...we never fought over money....if things were tight...we didn't spend anything but what was a necessity to keep our home. He got $20 for a beer if he went out with the guys.... We never made the kind of money most of you make today....but we paid off our house 10 years early....never use credit cards....and have a decent savings. Take control and you get the respect. When we were younger he'd make the usual male comments.. "I make more, I could live better alone..." and I'd reply... when you can afford THIS house, and YOUR apartment after you leave.... I'll help you pack.... "end of argument". YOU are responsible for you and your children....he is the means to do that with his money.... Italian women are brutal! We believe in ... "what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine"... LOL ...
If ur married everything should b shared including u both sharing a bank account. Otherwise why are you guys married