Hi IMs,
Sorry this may be triggering content but not too severe..
I'll try to keep it short...
Personal background history is I was sexually abused from about 11 years old til 15. Not rape but felt up, kissed etc and belted, controlled etc.
Now my 3y.o daughter likes to give a kiss. I realise for affection. But it really does my head in.
I never liked kissing my own mother as it was, pecked on lips. It really freaks me out to be honest. I actually don't think it's really appropriate regardless of whether I got made to kiss my was step father who abused me.
Am I being silly or would you think it just came from being abused?
Like I said, I felt uncomfortable kissing my mother too.
I personally feel kissing is for lovers even just pecks. But her dad doesn't mind getting a peck- which I don't think is wrong and it's not something I think of as dirty,invasive etc. I've never thought about that sort of thing upsetting me as I did counselling for trauma..
Please, not looking for nastiness.
2 Replies
Kids that age are very affectionate and like to have affection back. My kids don't like kisses but love cuddles each child is different. If kissing on the lips is too much for you which sounds like it is perhaps suggest to her oh mummy loves kisses on the cheek or mummy loves cuddles can you give me a hug instead. It may take alittle training but your daughter should pick up on this that way she's getting the affection she needs at that age and your comfortable in receiving the affection.
I can completely understand your feelings. I grew up in the same situation except it was my father not a step father. My mother though showed no affection whatsoever and I always felt very unloved. I'm now a mother and my kids are very affectionate. There are certain things I can't handle because of my experience and some things I am able to push through. My eldest boy who is nearly a teen kisses me on the cheek but my younger two kids kiss me on the lips ( quick peck, or slobbery with the toddler lol). The only reason I pushed myself through most of these barriers is because I remember how much I craved any affection as a kid and had to find love from other families and it didn't help the choices I made with my first partners until I started evaluating why I felt the way I felt etc.
In saying that, whether or not you kiss your kids on the lips is neither here nor there, it is whether or not kids feel they are welcomed at any time into your arms. If you give affection other ways, cuddles, or letting them put there legs on you when watching tv or leaning on you. Then good on you because that gives them confidence that you love them. Everyone has different boundaries and that's ok as long as you let them love you in other ways and you allow affection in the way you are comfortable.
You are a great mum, because you question these things. But it's ok to have some personal boundaries, it makes you human. Xxxx.