A very long read...
My ex and I have been seperated for almost a year and a half after being together for 6 years. The whole relationship was him always leaving me at home alone while he went out and partied. He was mentally abusive, very controlling ( he chose the cloths I wore ) I wasn't aloud to go anywhere and he cheated 4 times that I know of (I only knew about once when we were together) I was constantly belittled and told I was nothing. I felt pregnant in 2012 and for the first 2 months after she was born he was there for us, but then he got over the novelty and went back to leaving us at home.
Fast forward to sep 2013 I fell pregnant again and it was like he didn't care, I was devistated I had decided I didn't want more kids with this man so the month before I went on different contraception, it was such a shock for me. In October he left me ( he has left in the past and came back) for a girl he had been seeing for a couple of days, he was going out and we didn't know where he was or what he was doing he's got for a few days and ignore me but then when he wanted a lift he would talk to me. I was stupid. He left and we didn't hear from him in over a month,
Then I got in contact and took his daughter to see him, but he didn't care. I was so lost, not because of him leaving but for my daughter I felt terrible that she didn't get to see her dad, so I drove for 1 hour whenever he wanted to take her to him. Just so they could spend time together, then I would leave and drive back home or wait around all day for him to be finished. ( I would sit in my car for hours ) some times he would make me wait all day then not give her back!
I didn't care that we were over, so long of being made feel like shit. I was over him, I found it hard to care about anything- other then my daughter.
Then he stopped seeing her and moved away with his new girlfriend and her 5 children. He refused to pay child support he believes he shouldn't have to, and he lost his job and car and license and is just getting his life back on track. His parents are always on my case, the made the first few months of the breakup a nightmare, if it wasn't for them he wouldn't care about his daughter. We tried mediation but that didn't work, his parents had to be apart of it and the three of them wouldn't agree to anything less then them having her 7 days a week. I was not going to let my 1 year old daughter go away for that long she had never been away for more then a few hours from me. So I said no, I tried to propose other things that would be better for my daughter but everything that came from their mouths was what they WANT they didn't care about my daughter she is just an object to them, I toy.
I was so depressed all the time, I was eating or sleeping. I lived with my parents my whole life was stressing about mediation and my solicitors.
My sister made me get help ( I couldn't even drive my car ) I was that bad.
I went and seen my gp and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.
I went and seen a councillor for months and she helped me cope, showed me ways to cope with everyday life.
She made me feel better when I was with her, but I always second guess myself.
I ended up getting together with my long time friend and we have been together 9 months and he helps me alot, he is wonderful and loves my kids like they're his.
He was there before and after the birth of my son.
But everyday I'm always worrying about the next phone call or text from my ex and his parents.
It's not fair on my partner or kids either. Every minute of the day, I'm worried
Iv been getting the worst anxiety attacks Iv ever had. Some of them are bringing me to my knees, I'm constantly crying.
It's been a year and a half and they still have this much control over my life.
The dad doesn't care about his daughter, just is just doing it because he got a job and said he will start paying me $30 dollars child support. He believes that if he is paying for his daughter then he wants to see her. But he doesn't care, he palms her off when he does have her most times. He moved away and his family live near me, they always ring to see if they can have her for a few nights, I say yes because I don't have the courage to stand up to them ( they have always controlled me when we were together )
She had a routine here, and gets fed nothing but the best.her day is very structured her but when she is there she loves of lollies and goes to bed wherever she drops usually 1am
( she goes to bed at 6:30 pm here) all they do is drink and get in fights, they at adults but behave like children. I can't do this anymore, living everyday in fear, I can't enjoy my children because I'm always on edge.
My ideal life would be to ignore them all and live my life but I can't do that to my daughter.
He dad is a deadbeat, I don't want my daughter growing up like or around that family.
I think I need to go back to my cousillor, I can't do this anymore. They have brought me down for so long, and made me so week I can't cope.
My partner hurts for me, he helps but I just need to be able to get over this.
Has anyone got any advice for me?
Has anyone ignore someone that was controlling their life like this? His family acts like I owe them all something, I owe them nothing.
I need some help mums :(
Ex taking over my life!
Ex taking over my life!
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression
7 Replies
Definitely your first step should be to get back to your GP and counsellor. You need to be taking medication if you already are it's not the correct medication. Secondly stop answering calls from the grandparents. You need to get healthy and strong for your child and having those people have your daughter will not do that! They are not good for your daughter and she will not be harmed by not visiting them. Thirdly ring CSA and get them to handle ALL child support issues. Don't have contact with that man unless it's through text messages, DO NOT answer is phone calls. Go back to mediation and then go to court!
Thank you so much for your comment, you have no idea how much your comment helped me out today when I was feeling down. It's made me feel better about my decisions
Thank you so much for your comment, you have no idea how much your comment helped me out today when I was feeling down. It's made me feel better about my decisions
I don't know if I can offer advice because I'm not in your situation, but I can try.
From my point of view, your children are your children, and your exes. No one else. You can make any rules you want, no matter how ridiculous they are. Your exes parents are your exes parents, your not children's. They cant force or dictate to you what to do, even if they were your parents you do have the right to say no. They had their chance at raising their kids how they wanted to, it's not your fault they raised a boy who doesn't take responsibility for himself.
Maybe consider making the rule, when your ex wants your children in his life, then your children can be in theirs. No stay overs at night as she has a bedtime of 6.30, and if they don't oblige to your way if raising your kids, then they lose their chance at seeing them. Make it a day trip only, with a home time of 3pm so it gives her a chance to wear off the sugar before bedtime. And most of all - tell them that is why. If they don't agree, then they miss out. They are not the parents.
You also need to work on yourself first, there is nothing wrong with having anxiety, we all do about something in our lives. Mine is eating food in public - ridiculous, I know, but I can't help it.
I also think 1.5 years is still acceptable to feel this way. For people with emotions, who care, and don't have an icy heart, betrayal can last a long time. You have a good thing going with your long time friend (there I can relate) he will understand you in a way no one else ever would because he knows you inside and out. I am happy for you.
I don't know if this helps or not, but keep your chin up, make the choice to be stronger, and you will soon convince yourself you are and in turn become it.
Good luck and I hope things work out for you. You deserve and are allowed happiness
Aw thank you so much this made me cry, having someone out there to take the time to write this too me. For so long Iv been brought down and abused and I need to help myself get back up.
I have gone to the doctors ( yesterday ) and Iv started anti depressants.
I just want control of my life back!
I also have the biggest fear of eating in public, I just can't do it. So I feel you there.
I just wish I could make my own decisions :(
Personally, if her dad is a deadbeat like u say he is, your children seeing him is having no benefit to their life what so ever. If its a father figure you are looking for for your children, let your current partner be that for them. Im sure ud already know, children can sense your anxiety, depression, sadness, fear and everything else even if they are young. You feeling like this all the time due to ur ex and his family is going to make things worse not only for yourself but for them as well. Children who are raised by parents who have anxiety or a mental illness develop anxiety and insecurities as they grow older. Thats a fact. Don't sell yourself short and also your children. They don't have control over their lives so i think the best option would be for you to remove yourself and your children from your horrible ex and start fresh with your current partner.
Not meaning to sound horrible to you but sometimes the things that we face in our lives are brought on by how we respond to situations. You need to go back to your psychologist or councillor and talk to them about becoming more resilient and do some cognitive behaviour therapy so your ex can't tear you down like this anymore.
By the sounds of it, your ex doesn't want much to do with his children anyway and his family are just wanting to see your children just for the novelty of it. I would fight hard and cut connection with him and his family and move on with life without them.
If there is no family court orders in place then dont drop your children off cause by law he can keep them and refewes to drop them back to you. And all the other advice below and above is awesome.