Hi, to give a bit of back ground. I have struggled with mental health issues since i was 13, i am now 27. I had my first mental break down at 13 after leaving my mums to live with dad. I made myself physically ill, it took more than a year for the doctors to work it out. I then was in counselling till i was 19, though that time i cut and had boughts of thoughts of suicide plus plenty of other fun behavioural issues. Then at almost 21 i had my son, from a one night stand, and i had my reason to live! That tiny boy saved my life, and he doesn't even know. For a long time, i was great, i controlled my mood problems, i handled everything brilliantly, becoming a mother, no matter the circumstances was the best thing ever. Fast forward a few years, i had another mental break, this time my son was three and my world was falling apart.i got back into counselling and thought i dealt with it, climbed out of the big black hole again. And i was doing ok, not great, but ok. Again another year or two and the most amazing man comes into our lives, we have a daughter, we face some seriously full on shit, but we get through it together. Now everything is really good. Except my head. All my warning signs have changed. I cant catch the mood swings before i do\say something i shouldn't. I get shaky and nervous for no real reason, i cry for no reason, its full on! I have evil thoughts that i cant say because they are too horrible to utter. My counsellor has suggested i need higher trained help then she can give, which i know is true, but i am scared. My mother is bi polar, i don't want to turn into her. I am terrified that the docs are going to say i have bi polar. I cant do the medication because i cant feel properly when i am on it, i need to feel to be a good mum. I know i need to deal with it. But i am so scared at what it is, and what the doctors will want. Is there anyone out there that has dealt with anything like this and stayed off medication? Is there anyone who can tell me how to avoid it getting worse? Sorry for the novel, just looking for some hope.
3 Replies
Oh hunny u have been through so much. I haven't been through any of this but going to a psychologist that can diagnose you and then if they can't help one who specialises in what you have will be the first step. There are many different cognitive therapies that can help you and many medications that have lower dosages for you so you can still feel things. I hope that you get answers, don't be afraid to go get them and get the help you need, no matter what you have it can be treated and u will not turn out worse off by doing it but better off and continuing on the path for recovery is the only way to do it. Good luck
I think your councillor is right, you need a psychologist/psychiatrist. Be guided by your councillor as to which, I guess she will give you a referral.
As for taking meds (IF it's needed) I know it sucks not being able to feel, you miss the highs to avoid the lows. BUT, the most important thing is that you are well for your family, and if that means meds, it means meds. My mother will be on anti depressants for the rest of her life. That just is her life now. My cousin is Bi-Polar and doesn't take his meds and puts his family through agony because of it. So feeling numb is better than being manic or being at the depths.
However, we are jumping the gun, it might be you don't need meds, and you can be treated with therapy. But if you do need them, think of it as a positive.
I think you are brave for recognising you need help, many won't admit it. So you should be proud of yourself.
I wish you the very best.
Its not that i miss the highs, its that i cant laugh, or cry when that is the normal response, i cant empathize when on the medication. Which empathy is a big part of parenting. How can i care for my children if i cant feel what they feel?