I apologise in advance for the novel, but I feel the background info is important.
I am caught in a very difficult situation and I just don't know how to move forward.
Almost a year ago, my then 6 year old daughter disclosed to me that an older child had been sexually inappropriate with her. I would rather not go into too much detail about what happened, but I know for sure it was more than normal childhood curiosity or playing "doctor". I spoke to a professional in the area of child sexual abuse who confirmed the behaviour was alarming given the age of the other child and the age difference between the children is also of concern. I immediately put a stop to all contact between my daughter and the other child.
The difficulty is that the other child is actually my 9 year old brother. This has caused a major rift in my family. My mum thinks I'm overreacting in not allowing my kids to visit her house and not allowing my brother to come to my house. I have reinforced to her that she is more than welcome to see my kids and it is only about keeping the kids apart. You see, I have 2 younger children to worry about too.
I had hoped my mum would seek some professional help for my brother because he obviously has some issues around problem sexual behavior to deal with and it is also concerning that we don't know where he got the sexual ideas from. However, even after HER making a suggestion to see a councilor, she never followed through with it. She seemed to think that simply making the suggestion was enough and then asked if my kids to come over, knowing perfectly well that was not ok. Nothing has changed in the last year to change my mind about allowing contact. In addition, I'm forced to play happy families because no one else in the family is to know what happened. This makes special occasions very awkward and challenging. Birthdays, xmas, mothers day etc I go to mum's on my own to give gifts and make a token visit. I don't even want to be there. The only reason I go is to not upset my mum. After a year I am still very angry with my brother and struggle to even to look at him (I know I am holding a grudge against a child, and it feels wrong, but that's just how I feel). The only reason I persist with this fake family relationship is because I am worried about hurting mum's feelings. I struggle to talk to her anymore about this because I have extreme anxiety around confrontation and I don't feel there is anything else to be said. I have told her where I stand and nothing has changed. So now my brother's birthday is coming up and I don't know what to do. My choices are: a)fake happy families and go to mums and give my brother a birthday gift meaning that I am giving a present to the kid that has caused all this distress in my family's life and I still really angry with, b) send him a birthday card, and that's it (will probably upset mum), c) ignore his birthday all together (will probably upset mum even more).
My questions are, what would you do in my situation with the upcoming birthday?
and, do you think my family can ever be repaired or should I accept what has happened and move on without my extended family?
Problem sexual behaviour between children causing family breakdown
Problem sexual behaviour between children causing family breakdown
Posted in:
Life Lessons, Relationships & Marriage
7 Replies
I think your anger is misplaced. Be angry, furious if you like with your mother. It's your mother whose the problem because she is not getting your brother the help he needs and is sweeping it under the carpet. Personally if be asking myself why you want to keep her happy when she would happily continue to put your children at risk and just as bad not seek help for your brother who after all is a child.
You are fully in your right to be upset and angry I would be even more so with your mum. She has acknowledge to you their is an issue yet hasn't gotten any help for your brother. What if he has done or is doing these things to other children. I think unfortunately the only way to get through to your mum that something needs to be done is to stop going around their. If you continue or if she continues to guilt you into going to her house she's having the best of both worlds. She needs to understand the ramifications of this. As a mother you need to put your children's well being ahead of anyone else's, that's your responsibility as a parent to protect them. I wish my parents protected me but instead these things where pushed under the carpet and nothing ever changed, if someone did something to my kids I would be livid.
Omg you need to get your brother into help ASAP.
Don't blame him but def blame your mother.
What if your Mexican stand off on for the last 12 meant you left your young brother vulnerable to his pedophiles still .
My gut instinct is he is a victim by someone around him to.
He was repeating what he was show or saw.
I would be very seriously concerned about my brothers safety and your mother doesn't give a shit.
What is she hiding ???
That must be so hard for you, your precious little girl taken advantage of by your brother. Often when a young child acts out in such a way (more than curiosity) it can often be because they have suffered abuse themselves. Children who molest other children have sometimes been molested themselves and it's hard to see that. The child might think it's normal behaviour because it's happened to them. Your mother needs to see that. You're not overreacting. It's perfectly normal for you to be upset. I think your brother needs some counselling and your mum. I don't know what I'd do in your position. But I do have a brother who has been to prison for sex crimes and is in the sex offenders register. His crimes were not against children but I have been very clear with my expectations from since my children were born. He is never allowed to be around them alone. It's not that I don't trust my brother, I don't trust anyone especially when 85% of sexual abuse happened by a trusted family or friend.
I hope your daughter is doing ok, it's every parents worse nightmare.
Best wishes to you and your family xxx
I've been in a similar situation but staying away was not an issue as we are in different cities.
My daughter was 2, her older cousin had taken her nappy off and and had her and himself naked in bed. My sister saw no issue it was normal exploring activity, my opinion and that of my counsellor was no it was not normal and something needed to be done. The family (due to other reasons they had already been involved with family services in the past) were checked on again as they knew the son was exposed to porn and violent games etc. Nothing ever really came of it other than counselling. It took a long time to make things okay again,we didn't speak for moths, it was hard on my parents especially since they seemed to take my sisters side I this one. But time healed and we put in rules that the children were not allowed to be alone together. Visits meant an adult supervision at all times and no playing in the bedrooms.
I was sexullay abused by my brother and told my mum I didn't want him to come in my room in the night but never told anyone what is was doing..I am 36 now and still struggle been around him and hate him. But have to play happy family because if I say anything it will tear my family apart..hugs to u and do whats best for your daughter and stay away..
Why are you so concerned with hurting your mums feelings? This is going to sound harsh and in no way is to make you feel like a failure cos I can see your trying as much as you can to protect your children but that question still lingers once Ive read your post?? Im sorry but you seem more concerned in how your mum feels than actually worried about how your daughter feels. Youve done the right thing in stopping contact and that should be the end of it. Dont worry about anyone else because the only people you should be worried about are YOUR children. Your a mother now, they come first. Help your daughter through it together. It isnt anyone elses business apart from yours and your brother. He obviously needs help. Have you personally spoken to him about it? Have you told him why this is happening? And asked him to speak to someone. He maybe 9 and yes its awful to think you hold such a strong grudge against him but what he did was wrong and needs to be aknowledged and rectified not treated as if it didnt happen and play fake families, thats just like saying "its ok, do it again" your saying to your daughter, "its was ok for him to do that, and that she might not trust you with anything else in the future cos your not saying no"!! Are you taking your kids over with you when you play fake family? If so arent you just as much to blame?? At the end of the day this is your family, protect them, like I know your trying to do. But you cant do that when your protecting your mums feelings. This is just my opinion from what ive read, it could be different because I dont know you.