Hello fellow IMs,
I'm struggling with my feelings. My bub is gorgeous and healthy, but not so happy at the moment. He's not sleeping well, is all over the place with his eating habits, and us teething. Fun times! But the problem is I am getting very frustrated with him. And myself. I'm finding that I get angry when he's crying and won't stop. I just want it to stop. But it doesn't. There's a part of me that feelis like I'm failing because he isn't the happy little tike anymore, but mostly I'm just so frustrated with the crying, whinging and inability to have a normal life. I knew it would be hard, but I never imagined it would be this emotionally and physically exhausting!!
I've seen a dr - negative for PND and have been told to learn how to cope with these feelings. But how? Has this happened to other mums? How do you cope ?
Frustrated and angry - how do I cope with my being a 1st time mum?
Frustrated and angry - how do I cope with my being a 1st time mum?
Posted in:
Mental Health, Behaviour, Baby & Toddler
19 Replies
It's ok to be frustrated when they are crying and you can't fix it, we love them so much that its hard. Sleep deprivation is a bitch (sorry but there is no other way to describe it) and u need to try to get more, even if it means chucking the washing through the dryer and sleeping during that time. Find time and energy saving ways to do things slow cooker, freeze meals any thing. Get someone to watch bub and relax run yourself a bubble bath and have a nap. When it gets to much and u feel stressed make sure baby is safe and go into another room for 5 minutes block it out. I can not stress enough how good meditation is just 10 minutes to clear your mind and be at peace can make a happier mum. Try some vitamin b to. If you think it could be more or you don't start to feel better go get a second opinion doctors get things wrong all the time. Good luck mumma it's a hard road we are all going down together so never feel ashamed to ask for help or to want to vent it's ok to.
No one ever tells you how emotionally and physically exhausting having a child is....especially on us mothers! Sometimes you feel so alone no matter how busy You are especially at night. And just as you think you have everything under control feeding well, sleeping well they change, start to hit milestones, they get teeth, a cold and it goes on.
But these changes never last long, and that cute little baby that smiles at you, that you just want to cuddle will be back and it all makes it worth while. Accept change and the bumps along the way, I would walk with the pram or go for a drive to settle and just chill. Your doing a great job, there are just some things we can't control and that's babies x
When you can't do anything else take some big deep breathes (or even mediation if you can) & yes I think most/all mums feel this from time to time. Just remember it is a phase & you will both make it through it
You will get through this!!! You are doing a great job. I felt exactly the same, and those were the words that got me through. My daughter cried, whinged and was irritable for 4 months. It was sucking the life out of me as you just don't get a break. I kept searching for answers, allergies, collic, everything, anything. I found nothing and then one day she relaxed a little and started sleeping more, which in turn meant less screaming. Don't get me wrong she still gets irritable etc like every other baby but I now rarely get frustrated with it. Honestly, the only advice I can give you is to breath, go somewhere else in your head (while soothing them), they will eventually stop. No baby ever died from crying. And if all else fails, know that in a few months they wont be anywhere near this bad. Trust that it will improve. You are not alone, get on here and vent as much as you can, we will support you. You're a great mum. If you wernt you wouldn't care enough to seek help/ advice.
Hey IM, you are doing a FANTASTIC job!!!! I'm completely with you on this, ALL mums get this way at least one time in motherhood, when I had my first, I the illusions of what motherhood was like but it's so not what it's like, no one tells you about how tough it can be, I have 3 children ranging from 11 - 2 1/2, I've just recently been diagnosed with PND and have been given counseling, in the sessions I've been taught how to breath, in through the nose for 5 out through the mouth for 10, when you feel the anxiety come, put bub in a safe place and go somewhere and breathe... 5 minutes is usually enough to bring the heart rate down and calm, then go back to bub, remind yourself that bub is crying cause something isn't feeling right and that is their way of communicating, if you've changed nappy, fed them, bongela, panadol (if teething) made sure they're not too hot or too cold, then usually distraction works a treat, bubbles, a balloon, hand puppet, making funny noises, even picking bub up putting some music on and dancing can even help yourself in the process.... I know there's so many pressures being mum, but the house work will be there tomorrow, one of things to learn as a mum is that the first 4years before bub goes to school will fly past, the house will eventually be tidy again, leave it.. Enjoy the time with bub without putting the pressure of all the housework ontop, sleep when you can (I still get up on an average of twice a night still to my DD) so have had to cut myself some slack, be kind to yourself don't beat yourself up cos things aren't perfect... One more thing if feel there's more to bubs crying than teething make sure you talk to your health nurse or GP, is there a new food that is giving a tummy ache? Please know you're not alone... Big hugs xo
I've been there too.
I remember on my worst ever day, standing holding my daughters door closed while she was pulling and screaming on the other side. I was standing there literally banging my head against the wall to let out the frustration, but I couldn't let her open that door as I knew if she got it open, I would hurt her. I needed that barrier that day.
So, I agree with Haylee, when it gets too much, make sure baby is safe in a cot or somewhere and walk away and take 5. Give yourself some positive self talk. eg, this is normal, everyone has days like this, i can get through this, i love my baby, i am strong enough. this is not bubs fault, it's normal. crying won't kill him/her. etc
Once you are calm, then go back and comfort your baby.
You also need something for you outside of baby, a book, a craft, preferably something out of the house away from baby. I used to do scrapbooking as it was sort of for the family, not just me, so i wasn't seen as selfish for wanting time out.
When I tried to do something just for me (jewelry making) I met with resistance from my then hubby.
I am a first time mum and i get really frustrated with myself and her, especially when she just wont stop crying.... And all she wants is to be held and i need to do stuff eg cleaning etc... So i now take a deep breath and take her for a walk in the pram, they love being outside and it calms them down... As for feeding they wont starve themselves so i would go with the flow and be flexible, the more you try and stick with a routine the harder it is.....
Just reposted on the Facebook page too and hope it helps! xKelly
Yes, we have all been here I am sure. I know I had moments where I went out to the clothes line because it was the furthest point from the house where I could not hear my baby crying but not be too far. You do need to be extra kind to yourself and you need to talk about everything you're feeling with a friend or partner, someone who can help you along the way. Parenting isn't a journey to take alone - we all need a support network. Just reach out - it doesn't mean you're a failure - it means you're human. Best of luck.
I felt the same my boy cried and cried wouldn't sleep I was physically and mentally exhausted. I battled to breasted cos I was so stressed I wasn't eating and then I wasn't producing milk.
Can't say it turned out well for me with the breast feeding, I gave up and bottle fed but it helped me he slept a lot better, not telling you to do this just saying identify the problem your having and try to sort through it. They grow so fast I wished my boy to grow up and now he is 18month I'm sad I want my baby back the time has flown and I just wish I had of stressed less.
But it's hard I never imagined it would be as hard as it is, I've recently been diagnosed with low iron so I'm taking supplements and feel a lot better plus my boy sleeps solid 14hrs straight now, I exercise have gone back to work part time and feel my life is a little bit back to normal rather then just sitting at home all day with a baby.
Try get someone to baby sit and go get your hair done, just have some you time!!
Don't worry it gets better just take each day as it comes xxx
Hey Hun. I could have written this myself. It will get easier, trust me. You and your little bundle are both new at this, and no one can prepare you for what it's really like. The key is having someone to talk to, and be honest. Believe me, all those mums at Mothers Group are struggling too, they just don't admit it. If you don't have any friends that might know what you're going through, seek a friendly female doctor, or even your child health nurse. Professionals can ascertain if you might even need some further help. Chin up, and remember 'THIS TOO SHALL PASS' xx
I could have writen this. No matter what people tell you, you don't understand until you are doing it. You are NOT failing. We are all imperfect mummas and thats perfectly fine. What I have been trying to do to cope is dedicate 1 hour a day of time to myself when bub does sleep of when partner is home.. dont even go on the internet just take a nap get some nice oils and have a relaxing bath buy a book even a yoga dvd and self teach yourself some yoga even if it means ditching some house work. Your needs are important too. Ps you are doing a wonderful job mumma xox
I could have writen this. No matter what people tell you, you don't understand until you are doing it. You are NOT failing. We are all imperfect mummas and thats perfectly fine. What I have been trying to do to cope is dedicate 1 hour a day of time to myself when bub does sleep of when partner is home.. dont even go on the internet just take a nap get some nice oils and have a relaxing bath buy a book even a yoga dvd and self teach yourself some yoga even if it means ditching some house work. Your needs are important too. Ps you are doing a wonderful job mumma xox
From the amazing replies here, you see you are far from alone!! And it isn't because you are a first time mum, i still have those moments with my second!! Firstly, breath!! When ever it is getting too much, breath!! Walk away if you have too, i do. I have also been known to be passing the driveway with bub looking at the trees, at midnight! Something about being outside is calming for babies. And it is good for you too. And when groundhog day strikes, that you feel it is never ending. Go for a walk, put bub in the pram and walk until you feel better, i go to the park and sit under a big gum tree. It all does pass, faster then you think! Learn your copping strategies, we all have had to, and you will be fine. Oh and also don't be afraid to reach out and admit how hard it is, most mothers\parents will help talk ect.
Oh hun, I've been there and so have most other mums. Here is what you should do.
1. Get ear plugs
2. When the baby is crying and screaming pop him in his cot. Make sure he is safe.
3. Grab the earplugs, go to another room, close the door, pop the ear plugs in and just take a few deep breaths to calm down and sort out your thoughts.
All it takes is a couple of minutes to calm yourself. When you have calmed down you will become more attentive and gentle with your boy.
And rember, it is an adjustment period for both you and the baby, it will pass and get much better.
With regards to his sleep, perhaps give Tizzy Hall's book a go, it's called Save our Sleep, lots of people swear by it.
Good luck, and remember, it really does get easier :)
I think how you feel is totally normal, the problem I think is most mums don't admit these feelings an Facebook is a killer for it, all these mums posting cutesie pics of them baking with the toddler, the baby happily munching on new foods and the pre schoolers first gold star at school .... The problem is no one posts the picture of while baking the cake the toddler tipped out a box of flour that u swept under the table and hope the dog eats it later, no one posts the 6883949362 other attempts to get the baby to eat on freaking strawberry! No one posts that there preschooler got a timeout at kindy today!!! But guess what every mum has been there, the baby crying the house trashed and your standing there like what the actual f is happening ! I look at mums with their hair done and makeup on and in the gym at 9 am and secretly hope their house is messier than mine and they r staying back at gym just to get 5 more minutes with the kid in crèche!!! Seriously don't be so hard on yourself, your baby is alive and so are you your doing amazing :))) and if u manage to shower this week alone you deserve a medal !! :) xx
I can relate. My son is 2 and some dyes I still feel like "is this my life now" and I also still get frustrated!
As you know they don't come with instructions and it's a learning process for both you and bub. Do you have family that could watch bub while you take an hr or so time out? Could you see another doctor for a second opinion re pnd? Being a mother is THE HARDEST JOB in this entire world but the most amazing and reward also. As for coping, when you feel yourself getting really frustrated put bub in his cot or somewhere safe and walk away for 5 mins...breath...swear. Punch a pillow do whatever you want to relies some tension.
I still use this method now and I'm good as gold after 5 minutes.
But most of all always remember your feelings of frustration are normal. And that your never alone. Much love xx
Hi IM, I just wanted to offer some words of encouragement to you. Everyone gets grated on with a screaming child and I believe it is much easier to be tolerant of someone eles versus your own so please don't head down the road that you must be crap at it. You're not. When my littly is testing me I have a few strategies.
1. I give him time limits. Nothing is more soul destroying for me than trying to feed him and he starts playing or acting up and it feels the whole day is to obsess over feeding. He gets a max of 40 mins for every feed. If he doesn't finish it he is made to wait until the next one. 40 mins is double what he normally takes and making him wait means im not tiedto half feeds as it suits him.
2. 15 minute rule. If I know he's tired I will start winding down to bedtime about ten mins before. He gets 15 minutes to cry, chat to himself, have a little whinge...whatever. I make myself wait it out...its bloody hard some days but it honestly works. If he's going to settle he wI'll within 15 minutes. If he doesn't but is still tired I go in stroke his hair whisper nice things to him for a few.minutes. I only ever lift him if I suspect wind. He gets another 15 minutes. I found that I was responding too fast to his hickers and I was actually interrupting his own settling process in trying to settle him. Today he was crying quite hard at nap time. I went to the room i can hear him least from. I almost gave up after 12 minutes but forced myself to wait. In that three minutes he went from full on crying to crashed out for an hour. He didn't want to be in bed but needed to.
My way isn't perfect by any stretch but I see the time chunks as steps at a time. It has helped me enforce naps throughout the day, stop feeding on demand with both breast and bottle, and given me thesstructure to understand more easily whats wrong. He has witching hour evdry night between 4-6pm without fail and I accept that as his being tired hungry needing a bath and needing a cuddle and doesnt know which he wants more. I know that it will stop no.llater than 7 and by focusing on steps im less bought into the crying so I force a smile on my face while I inwardly go to the happy place and ignore the screaming and count down the minutes (I don't aalways manage because some days im on a shorter fuse too but when I do....)
My advice to you is to reinstate a routine one chunk at a time(eg bath and bedtime then feed times then daytime naps...whatever works best for yiu). Get ssomeone to take over even for one hour a week so you can get out for a coffee just as you. I use late night Thursday shopping fir sanity restoration. Get your favourite music on and dance with bub. Your happy vibe might just transfer onto him and make the tougher hours less tough.
These are just ideas that work for me well on my most testing days. Cut yourself some slack. X
It's ok! We have all bee there. Being a mum is tough, but it gets better I promise. It's ok to put the bub down in the cot and walk into the next room and take some deep breaths. You do everything you can to cope and get by. For me that meant putting my bub on a routine. For me that helped enormously as he was not getting enough say sleep during the day. But that's just us, every bub is different sometimes you need to try different things to see if they work. As for you, sometimes a small time out makes the world of difference, get someone to look after the baby and you go and get your hair cut or something just for you. It helps :-)