My husband and I have had very different upbringings. His mother has made quite a few decisions that disadvantaged him as a child and whilst he was broken as a teen and fell into a bad crowd and took drugs he bounced back as a young adult, the same can not be said for some of his siblings. After hearing the stories from both my partner and extended family I find it hard to get close to my mother in law (MIL). She is not a bad person - just not a very good mother (by my standards) for many reasons. My husband and I have been together for the best part of a decade and I have never really had to have much to do with my MIL. She does not acknowledge his birthday or celebrate Christmas etc but is the first to ring and ask for money or help or expensive presents for her younger children. Now that we have had a baby she wants to see it all the time and keeps asking and talking about when she will look after it and have it stay at her house (which I find unclean and cluttered) and we don't visit much).
I suffered depression and anxiety for many years before I got pregnant but weaned off the medication as soon as I fell pregnant with the support of my GP. I don't believe that I suffered any post natal depression but have had one great anxiety/ fear since my baby was born - the day I am expected to leave my child in the care of my MIL. I lose sleep over it all the time. Since I have become a mother, the decisions of my MIL that affected my husband have angered me even more and my instincts or something tells me not to trust her.
When our baby was a day old and she visited the hospital she lifted the child (which I had just fed and settled and put to sleep after a night of no sleep) above her head, shook her and talked to her (the kind of way you would with an awake and alert 3+ month old). I was mortified. Since then she has woken the sleeping baby on numerous occasions and I've seen her face palm the child to try and push her head down whilst she was trying to sit. I have not said anything to her and bite my tongue when she offers advice and tries to tell me what is wrong with our baby which is a very happy and healthy child. Our baby actually cries now and doesn't want to be held by her (never really has liked being held by her) and won't be settled if she is holding her unless it can see us - to which she tells the baby that it is a terrible child or sooky baby. Our baby is fine around other family and friends and generally only cries when hungry/ tired etc. She is usually also in a good mood when passed to her grandmother.
Now that the child is getting older she asks more. I am petrified and anxious about the day I have to leave the child in her care. It won't be through needing someone (we have plenty of other family and friends) but because my husband will probably feel guilty with her asking all the time. I know she is the child's Grandmother and if it wasn't for her my husband would not be here but something in me just doesn't sit right.
My question is - has anyone ever had a similar experience? How did you deal with the anxiety and fear and how did you address this situation? Did you leave the child in their care? Was there any fall out from your decision?
15 Replies
Talk to your husband about how you are feeling and why you feel like that, and hopefully you can come up with a solution together.
It sounds like your baby is still quite young so dont feel expected tp leave your baby overnight, maybe tell your mil that sleep overs wont be happening until baby is one (or two) and that will buy you some time. If she truly cant be trusted with a child then by all means stand your ground, but if its just a matter or cleanliness then i think at some stage you will have to bite the bullet and let her babysit ( you can always bath your baby when she gets home) but when your baby is older and IF your child wants to go. ( my children never sleep over at their grandmothers and i tell her that they are just homebodies and get upset when away from home, which is true, so they occasionally have a play and then i pick them up after tea) it might also be nice for your baby to get to know your mil's younger kids. Goodluck with it, and dont feel pressured until you are ready
You really do need to talk to your Husband about your fears & anxiety. You may be surprised by his response, as he hopefully will be in full agreement with you. Also, in all reality, it does not matter what your MIL's expectations are, your baby is exactly that, your baby & there is NO need for you to leave your little one with anyone that you feel uncomfortable with. From what you have written, if I were in your position, I would just not allow MIL to babysit/care for baby, it's not worth the risk & it's not fair to put your baby in that kind of a clearly, distressing situation, for both of you. I would suggest just ignore or change the subject everytime MIL ask when bubby gets to stay. If she doesn't get that hint, then state that baby is not having any sleep overs/time out from you until she is much older, don't specify an age either, just say it wont be with anyone until you feel bavy is ready & that could take years. The option if those don't work is to just say "No, I am Mum & I say no." You don't have to explain your choices to anyone regarding your child, so just say, no not going to happen, sorry. If MIL then wants to act a child/throw a tantrum/cut contact, then that's her choice, just ignore the behaviour & leave the ball in her court as to if she wants to have contact again & respect your decisions as the child's parents. Good luck with everything, I hope things get sorted smoothly for you. Stand strong Mumma.. :-)
Honestly if your not comfortable just don't leave the baby with her. Go with your gut !
There's no way I'm leaving my 2 year old with my mil as I don't trust her. I wouldn't at all overnight but not through day until he is old enough to properly talk. To be fair we have made this a rule with both sets of grandparents...
Oh my god, yes!!! My MIL is/was a drunk. Stayed with her alcoholic abusive partner (my hubby's stepdad for a decade) despite the fact that he beat the shit ouf of my husband from the age of 4 to 14 as well as terrible psychological abuse. Took half of my husbands wage when he got a job at 14 and told him all the parents do that. Pocketed all the child support and birthday/christmas money from his Dad over the years - up until 18. Seriously, the most selfish human being. Not mother material at all. Both my hubby and his sister have big, big issues with her. But she still plays the victim and gets them to help her out constantly. It never ends. She falls into a crying mess and they run off to save her. Since I've been with my husband (10 years), he has had to 'save' her from at least 3 drop kick boyfriends. Bail her out financially. Mow her lawn constantly. She's the child and my husband is like her father. I have zero respect for the woman. But she still offers me advice. Constantly. Infuriates me beyond words, but I just completely ignore her. Deep down she does know that she's stuffed up beyond repair... so she lives in a fantasy world where she does no wrong. it's her coping mechanism or she'll fall to pieces. So just ignore your MIL. Don't ever let her babysit. You don't need to give a reason at all. I don't. I just say no. I've said it so many times now, that she's given up. She is the most irresponsible, selfish human being I have ever met and is still a closet drunk even though we all pretend we don't know. She won't be watching my kids. Ever.
Hi IM,
I'm sorry that you're in such a situation, but please try to not feel guilty about not wanting such a woman around your child. And don't fear the day you'll have to leave your precious one in her care, as you'll never 'have to'.
I completely understand the fear you're going through, though, as I was scared of my LO turning six months as my MIL and her partner were insisting on overnight stays once LO was six months and basically said I had no say in the matter.
MIL had no respect for my wishes, either, to the point it put my child at risk. Such as when she tried to shove a spoonful of cheesy potato bake down LO's throat when LO was not even six weeks old.
She also went off at me saying that I was basically an unfit parent for breastfeeding and stated that she would be feeding my six week old solids and formula if she had the chance (nothing wrong with formula, but it upset LO's tummy when he had some because he was use to breastmilk, which is easier to digest - but she didn't care that it upset his tummy and tried to force my hand and guilt me into giving it to him)
Excuse the ramble, but I just wanted to explain that I do know what it's like to have someone tell you how to parent when they have no clue. My MIL was a horrible parent to her son, and still is.
I was scared to speak to my partner about it, but when I finally opened up, he told me that he had the same thoughts and feelings. Contact with us is currently only because it is needed (personal situation that I won't bore you with details of), but she will never have my LO alone even for a minute. And I have my partners full support.
Speak to your husband but also remember that if he doesn't agree with you, tough! Put a rule that your child isn't to be around your MIL unless you're their to supervise and make contact bare minimum. Suggest maybe supervised visits in a public area as often as YOU wish (if your husband insists on his mother being involved). Be firm, be polite, and explain why you feel the way you do. Your feelings shouldn't be dismissed. YOU ARE THE MOTHER. Which means your feelings are more important than your MIL's in this case.
PS - my LO is six months old now and my MIL wouldn't even dream of asking for visits. She knows she'll never get my LO without me there to supervise because I made it damn clear when her and I stand. I no longer have any fears as I know what I say goes. The only person who can judge my parenting style is my very loving and supporting partner. :)
Good luck, IM, and remember that you are not alone when it comes to MIL with no respect of the actual parents of the baby.
Do not leave your baby with anyone you don't completely trust! Doesn't matter if they are related or not, how could you live with yourself if something happened under her care? Your doing great just listen to your instincts and let her get offended your child's safety is most important xx
We can't leave our children with my MIL she is far too scatterbrained. Which is sad as she loves children. She is great as long as she is with you and you keep reminding her to watch them ( ie while I am trying to get something done)
My DH brought it up with them and actually it was my FIL that broke it to her. Now she tells people she is past looking after kids.
I think go with your gut.
Long story short. My MIL is an alcoholic well she pretends shes not. She smokes in her house. I can relate to this post 100%. My son in 2.5 and she will never care for him ever. She gave up asking because both hubby and my self say no. Stand your ground its your child.
I dont care if my MIL complains to others about me (she also makes up stories about how u parent to her friends)because I konw if something happened to my child I'd never forgive.
Yes I have been in this position. Trust your motherly instincts and do not let her care for your baby.
You are your child's protector. Your job is to be the best mummy you can. Like every one else has said go with your gut. And for goodness sake if she does something that you are not happy with when nursing your precious one say something straight away. If you keep silent she will think what she had done is ok. Make clear boundaries for everyone so your not singling her out. If she gives advice you don't have to take it. That's what it is advice. I would never leave my kids with my mother because of the way I was brought up. Stick to your guns lovely. If you offend well they are the one with the problem not you. X
Do not do it!!! My "mother" was the biggest piece of shot when I was younger and till I had a baby couldn't care less about me. As soon as my kids were born she was begging to watch them I had a horrible feeling so always declined. My husband felt bad and when our eldest was 5 (he could talk and answer questions we had) he dropped him off for a few hours with our youngest so we could go to the movies (we weren't going to the movies we were planning to wait not far away as I was so anxious)
1 hr into the baby sitting she called me abusing me just like old times saying I had ruined my children and they were disgusting just like I was as a child. We raced around there and my youngest was screaming so loud we could hear it from the road.
My sons hair was cut and she walked out holding the baby under her arm like a beach chair.
My son said she was just yelling at the baby and have her medicine.
Never again did she see my children
NEVER go against your mothers intuition on these matters xx You feel it for a reason xx
You definitely do not need to leave your baby with anybody that you are not comfortable with. I am personally dealing with this with my own mother and have had to set up boundaries about when she will see them. Definitely no sleep overs. She doesn't have the same values that my husband and I do and we are not comfortable due to events in the past. So now just arrange to go somewhere public where I can manage the time spent with her. I am with her and the kids. Trust your gut.
I have a very similar situation. The problem is my mother in law & sister in law live together. My mil is not too bad now. She has found God & cleaned up her act. However the sil is on drugs & an alcoholic has been caught drink driving twice. Been to rehab. I have 2 kids let them stay there at 3 & 1. Nothing was said to me they were just dropped off & my daughter told me Aunty was trying to hurt them & they spent the day/night hiding at MacDonald until she fell asleep & it was safe to go home. I was mortified. I said never again. Which my mil hates me for but everyone including my husband understands. Cause my kids are just too previous. So last school holidays. My sil rings pleading if she can have my daughter. I gave in. She promised she was doing good & going to aa. I let her stay she was 7. I get a phone call at 10 am. She said Aunty was being silly & she was hungry. She hung up & I couldn't get in contact. They live an hour away. I then rang my father in law who lives in the next street. He had my daughter cause he called in & said she was sick. She was dropped home asap. My daughter said they went for a walk & waited for the wine shop to open. She even pooed the bed & my daughter went out to lounge because that's gross. She told my daughter that she was going to kill her nan & that she hated me & her father. That's it. It's happened twice. They will never have my kids ever again while that crazy person still lives with my mil. She hates that I won't let her have them. But she's welcome to visit here whenever she likes. But doesn't. Only see her at Xmas & birthdays which is fine by me. Your children are too precious & you can't undo anything. My advice. Tell her the truth. It might clean her up.
I would never leave your child with her from what you've said. It's your baby and your choice on who and where you leave you baby. For me I rarely left my baby only if it was an emergency or just no other way I would ask my mum or my next door neighbour ( who adored my son, like an aunt or grandma). My son is almost 4 and he has been left with 5 people in his life. I chose to have my son and look after him so I rarely ask for people to look after him. We take him everywhere with us. Don't feel bad or let your husband talk you into it. Your husband has told you these stories, remind him of them if he tried to 'persuade you'. Having said that there really is no reason to leave your child with her. Stand up for yourself and child. If your MIL is doing something that upsets you, potentially could cause your child injury then SPEAK up. Its your child and you're the child's mother. Protect your child.