How can I make family understand that I find the "boy stuff" and "girls stuff" comments (eg, boys cant play with that, that's girly" and vice versa). I have tried explaining that I want my children to be able to choose what they like, simply because they like it, not because of the "bullying" Aspect (eg "he will be teased if he wears a pink kindy uniform" etc).
I believe that if these comments are used around my kids, they will develop the same intolerance of others and be less inclined to be tolerant and accepting of others choices. I am accepting of others choices and their ability to raise their children how they choose, but I am not being afforded the same consideration.
7 Replies
Hmmm
I would have no problem with my son playing with dolls, or a cooking set or whatever. I was a tomboy as a kid and didn't like dolls and such and wore 'boy colours'
However, as you get older you have to understand that people do judge. It's a basic survival skill left over from a previous era that we often don't need anymore, but it's the same skill that will stop us walking down a dark street if we see a group there looking boysterous.
So my sister for example encouraged her son to be 'himself'. To the point of isolation. Then he struggled so much at school fitting in that he had no friends and was teased and ended up not doing more than a few months of high school.
I remember him telling me, "My favourite colour is pink, if I want to wear a pink shirt to school I should be able to.
Yes you should, but you have to know you will be teased and be prepared to accept the consequences. If you want to make yourself stand out and be different, you have to understand that you will stand out and be different.
The fact is, his favourite colour is black like any normal kid, he was choosing to be a target to please his mother.
In a perfect world, my girls could walk down a dark alley in a mini skirt too, but I would be irresponsible if i told them to wear what makes them happy and not accept there will be consequences. Because the world isn't perfect.
So I personally think it's a balance between being individual and fitting in, and that changes at different ages. My husband could get away with wearing a pink shirt for example. If my 2 yr old wanted one, fine, but first year at high school on your free dress day, you wear that, expect consequences.
Having said that, my sister also gave advice to my daughter to isolate herself. Her friends told her that she needed to not be so uptight, let herself go, and that she was difficult to be friends with and she should loosen up a bit.
She was obviously upset, my sister told her to tell her friends that if they don't like her the way she is, they should go find new friends. I asked her if her friends INTENTIONS was to help her or hurt her. I said I understand they hurt you, but were they trying to help you but just went too far? She said they were, and I said that my suggestion would be to tell her friends that she appreciates them trying to help her, but that they went too far and really hurt her feelings.
So be individual but not to the point of isolation, and you have to be careful as a parent to not encourage individuality so much that you actually cause them to create conflict just to please you because they are fulfilling your wish for them to be individual. It's a balance and I've seen both sides. My nephew now does school via distance ed, but did none for 18months until St Lukes got involved and started the ball rolling. He alone with his mother all the time has gotten weirder and weirder. At one point he saw his old friends from school and was telling me he wanted to go back to school, but his mother talked him out of it. She wanted him totally dependent on her. So in my case there is much more to it, but still bares minding that it's a balance.
I'm sorry, but it sounds like the issues you describe are nothing to do with gender, and everything to do with manipulation. The idea is to encourage children to express who they are - not to force them to be who they aren't in a different way.
Do you know that the whole 'colour thing' is actually a fairly recent development? It's not an inherent part of being male or female.
Please don't take this as an attack, because my intention is to help, but not only does this "In a perfect world, my girls could walk down a dark alley in a mini skirt too, but I would be irresponsible if i told them to wear what makes them happy and not accept there will be consequences" have no basis in fact, but it is actually incredibly offensive to survivors of sexual assault. Rape is about power - not sex. Victims are not selected because they are attractive, wearing revealing clothes, or being flirtatious. Research shows that the majority of men convicted of raping an adult, also admit to having sexually abused a child. It is never, ever the victims fault.
They don't have to understand, they either get it or they don't. What they do have to do is respect your decision to not involve your children in these comments or conversations. Be strong and come down hard if they ignore you or they will continue to do so.
Sometimes you can't get them to understand; it might be easier to teach your children to take the family's ideas with a grain of salt. Just explain that a long time ago, people used to believe blah blah blah...the same way you'd explain any other strange, outdated idea. Your kids will think it's nuts! ;-)
They will not be isolated. A lot has changed in the past 20 years, largely because people like you (with common sense) have refused to buy into gender stereotypes. It is far better to have a few friends who love you for who you are, than to have dozens who love a person you have to pretend to be.
To anyone who openly disagrees with your parenting, the thing they need to consider is that in encouraging your child to hide parts of who they are in order to fit a socially constructed idea of who they should be, you are implying that their true self is something to be ashamed of. Who would want to say that to their child?
Check out Gender Neutral Parenting https://www.facebook.com/pages/Gender-Neutral-Parenting/302740229762397
Just tell them sternly not to say things like that. He will find out in his own time and you'd like him to remain an innocent happy child for now. My nephew wanted to play with dolls so I gave him one of my daughters. I was met with a disappointed groan from his father and dirty looks from hubby's family. I didn't think twice about it, he was only two, DD was sharing and they had a new baby. After a lot of whinging (from the adults) and comments like his going to be a sissy boy now. I ended up saying that he won't be a sissy boy, he actually wants to be just like his dad. Who is looking after the new baby. Reluctantly they agreed and they still have the doll. By the way SIL didn't have an issue with the doll, just everyone else.
Let them be who they r! My ex is tryin to quash my son because he doesnt fit the ideal image........how would they feel knowing they hurt a childs self esteem just so they werent embarrassed? Good on you this IM for allowing her child to be who they r free of judgement and shame!!
You just keep doing what you are doing. My son had a doll, and loved it, and now with his little sister, he is brilliant! All those things don't matter. When ever someone says something small minded and stupid, like when a neighbour had a go and said i was going to make my son gay cause i had painted his nails (i had been painting mine and he asked for some to). I let him have it , because you cant make someone gay, the same as you cant make someone straight! I also told him to keep his small minded crap away from my son because i wanted my boy to be a better man the. This idiot was! So just keep doing what you are doing, when someone says those silly things just say he can be who he wants, he is practicing to be a good dad, or a helpful partner or a man that can look after himself. Most will shut up.