Hi Again Ladies
My earlier post of Do I Stay or Do I Go
Just a follow up and a few questions if I may
Most of you may call me stupid and that's ok cause I probably am, He is still in my home, things are great one minute and then just awful the next.
But im doing research and looking at options etc, as I said being that hes from the states and has no money no one here and has no where to go (shouldn't be my problem but I think this way)
My mum tells me get out now
My question is im feeling horrible and guilty in a way because if I get him kicked out and deported (cause im certainly not kicking him out myself, ill need help)
Im taking him away from his baby, and I can honestly see he cares for her (his anger shows with her sometimes, I remind him she is only a baby and take it easy, which I get my head bitten off) but I would die if I was taken from my babies (I actually think he will kill himself as he told me he has suffered suicidal issues in the past)
Now he has also admitted that teachers and even his own mum told him over the years he needs help with his anger and mental issues (not happy finding that out now)
He in a way is refusing to go as he is ashamed, and then tells me I should get help if he is.
He is making me feel like I have issues that need addressing and I know I don't, but im starting to think I do, why was he so great at the start but now so awful, he tells me its because I don't listen and well that I don't get onto my eldest girl enough because ive told him not to punish her as he will smack her hand or leg if she plays up, he just doesn't get it, am I crazy here or am I right or his he right ??
Thank you Ladies
Im posting this as my profile as im using a "fake" profile so he doesn't know about all this
5 Replies
You need to get rid of him for your BABIES SAFETY. His reaction to that is NOT your problem!
You are still entangled in his mess. You have so much more power than you know. You firstly tell him to cut his crap with you, you're done hearing his criticisms of you, and do not stand for it. You tell him he is to go and rent a share house, see Dr's psychs and do anger management and that is not for you to reconcile it is so he can healthily be in his kids life. You tell him if he doesn't do That he will be deported and certainly out of his kids life. It's all his choice.
I've been exactly where you are, he'll manipulate, involve you, blame, attack you, hate you, beg you, fall apart when it all goes wrong but you have to make him stand or sink. You cannot possibly continue to be involved in him because he will put it on you and your daughter and make you both sink. If he truly adores his kid he will do what he has to do to man up, grow up and live here without you. And stop making excuses, every time you do he gets in and you lose yourself again and it doesn't help you at all, it's damaging you, so toughen up and make the break and be strong you and your child both deserve it.
I commented last time about my concern for your children's safety and once again from reading this I am definitely concerned, he may not do anything yet but what about if he gets in a rage and wants to hurt you the best he can he won't be thinking clearly and I am sure he loves his daughter but there are time everyone reacts in a moment and spends the rest of their life regretting it. You need to go talk to a women's shelter or domestic violence group and they can help you slowly work out what are the best steps for you to take. You and your children are what are important here not him you need to protect all three of you. The domestic violence groups or women health centres will be completely confidential and anonymous he will not need to find out you been to one. Maybe if you start to take control back and move forward safely for you and your children's safety he will realise he has to help himself, and as said before it is all in his ball court as to whether he continues a healthy relationship with his daughter. He will most likely threaten to commit suicide as well to manipulate you, and do you know what the best answer you could give is; I am sorry to hear that but if that is what you need then it does not effect me but I know your daughter will miss you dearly. Sounds harsh I know but you need to take away the control and manipulation he is trying to lay on you. Of course you don't want him to do it but at the end of the day it will be his decision and you can't control that.
Of course he is blaming you, why would he blame himself. A guilty person always deflects the blame. Or a person with no emotional intelligence will deflect the blame and problem onto another person. His anger sounds like a real problem and one that needs to be attended to immediately.You either need to get rid of him ( leave) or if not then you both need to go to counselling and him to anger management therapy.Your eldest daughter is a child and she shouldn't have to be put in this awful situation. Its up to you what you do but you really need to be thinking of your childrens well being and then yours. really his comes last as he is an adult. And from what you've said has known its a problem for a long time.
You can't fix this man, don't you get it. His mum has tried his teachers have tried. Your number one priority should be your kids, especially your eldest if he is smaking her. You are failing as a mum if you don't protect them, especially if you see him doing this. Let him go, get out now, protect your girls and yourself. He has already manipulated you enough for making you feel like this. Its better if a childs father gets deported if he is going to have anger issues towards her. Get your shit together and get out ASAP as you can't fix this man.