Hi all, Hope you can help me. I have been together and married to my man for almost 20 years and still love him dearly, however we have VERY different views on discipline. We have a 5 year old that has recently been diagnosed with ODD and Anxiety so therefore he needs instruction and discipline differently, of which I am aware of and handle accordingly.
My hubby is 15 years older than me and is very old school where smacking is the answer. I won't say that I haven't smacked from time to time as I have but not proud of it (no judgement please) and generally my view is not to smack at all, but hubby is a terrible smacker and is his answer to everything, I don't agree with it one bit! I feel that it can be handled differently and the behaviour at the time doesn't warrant smacking.
Some situations almost have me in tears and furious how he has handled it. I have stepped in quite a few times and he is fully aware that if he exceeds what I feel is completely unreasonable (apart from just unreasonable) then he can leave, he has been told this a number of times.
I have a background of childhood physical abuse so I am very sensitive to this form of behaviour. Please be aware I do not class my husband as a child abuser at all, but I just feel that his form of discipline is very harsh and something I don't agree with.
My husband never wanted this child in the beginning but is still a loving dad in other aspects of his life but sometimes I feel that my son is an inconvenience to his life.
I just don't know how to handle this situation as it is starting to affect me and I feel that my son will not respect in when he gets older which will just cause more problems down the track.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
14 Replies
As someone who has Anxiety and was smacked overly as a child can tell you it dose not help us learn and can give added problems, maybe offing that both of you do a parenting program such as triple p(I did this one myself)
or family consoling so seams less like blaming him and more like getting a plan to work together
My son has SPD & anxiety, I've tried smacking, it doesn't help him stop the behaviour at all. Just made him violent. My other kids only need the threat of a smack & they behave, but my son could be smacked hard & not care.
Get 123 Magic, it's a book on how to discipline kids like this. No violence & it works as long as you're consistent.
I went to a child psychologist & an occupational therapist who both helped me understand my child so I could empathise with him when he struggled with things & had meltdowns. Still hard, but understanding makes it much easier.
Good luck.
I think that maybe you and your partner need to have a chat, and perhaps explain the pro's and con's of each of your discipline styles, listen to eachother so that maybe you can better understand why you both think your methods are better than the others?
I'm kinda on the fence with this issue.
Of course belting a child is wrong, but I can't see anything wrong with smacking a child from time to time (hand only, open palm).
From my childhood experiences, I was smacked when I did wrong, and I have never looked back on my parents and thought badly of them for it. I never rebelled, I finished year 12, graduated university, and am now happily married to the love of my life.
Why do I tell you this?
Because my little sister was not smacked, and was "spoken to" in an adult voice by my parents, and by the time she hit puberty, she left school at 15, she was on the streets, doing drugs, doing unspeakable things with various older men, was pregnant by 18 and was out of control. My parents had no control over her.
My sister now smacks her children because she does not want them to turn out how she did - with lack of respect and no fear of authority.
Each to their own, this was just my direct experience. I will be smacking my children, but at the same time, I in no way condone belting or abusing a child ~ that's one thing we can all agree on! Good luck :) xo
have you tried to get your husband to go to an appointment with you to get the doctor to explain discipline to him?
Basically he won't discuss it. What he is doing is right. Trying to get him to go to any of our appointments is like pulling teeth, he leaves everything to me.
Thanks Ladies, the problem is that my hubby won't do these programs or read the books or anything at all really. We have done the Positive parenting program and or whatever it is called, I have read a couple of books as well and as I said I am not really a smacker but have lost my cool a couple of times, but seriously could count them on one hand. It is more what to do with my hubby and how to handle it when I disagree with what he is doing for discipline. I am very aware that with an ODD child smacking does not help but just makes the matter worse. We also have the right medical team on board with him as well and have done for about 2 years now.
This is a tough one.
I agree that for most children smacking is an effective form of discipline.
However, there are some children it doesn't work on and some children it's downright destructive on.
I think you need to come at this with your husband from that angle, that you acknowledge that sometimes old fashioned discipline works and is something that is lacking from our society HOWEVER in YOUR childs situation with his ODD and Anxiety there are much better ways and with him, you are best to do A, B, C.
This way you are not making your husband wrong as such, but you are making him aware in a non threatening or blaming way that this particular child needs a different strategy.
The fact is there are usually other way apart form smacking for most children, but I don't think it would help the situation to go saying this to him, you have to get him on your side.
The other problem is he probably doesn't know any other way, so when saying how you think it's best to handle the situation, be clear as to what you have found works best.
EG, rather than smacking I find with (child) the best thing to do is get down on his level and look him in the eye and say NO, then once you have his attention explain why.
(I have no idea if that's a strategy that would work, you come up with your own methods, just making the point to explain to hubby what you think should be done instead of smacking. )
Thanks, I do get moments where I try and guide him on the discipline that works or we are trialling so I just have to get more pushy (for want of a better word) than I am I guess. I agree he doesn't know any other way as that us what "worked" for his other kids so he just continues with it. Thanks
Thanks, I do get moments where I try and guide him on the discipline that works or we are trialling so I just have to get more pushy (for want of a better word) than I am I guess. I agree he doesn't know any other way as that us what "worked" for his other kids so he just continues with it. Thanks
I'm a bit confused as to if this is your husbands biological child ? you say we have a five year old and then my husband never wanted this child so yeah if he's not the biological parent i say he has no right to hit your son and if you dont agree with it you should absolutely walk away.
If it is his biological child then he has a right to raise him as he wants unfortunately and leaving would probably be a bad move the way i look at it is if you live with him at least you are there to somewhat protect your son if you are separated then you don't get any say over what he does on his time. Basically I would talk to him if he wont listen make yourself around all the time. dont leave your son alone with him and when something goes wrong tell him you will handle the situation or just jump in before he can react.
Yes he is my husbands child. I agree I have thought about that if I left I just wouldn't be able to handle it. At least this way I can control it as much as I can.
It sounds like your hubby need other tools in his discipline box. So maybe show/tell him other ways to deal with it. Avoid saying he is just wrong, but have a talk about other strategies. And don't be apologetic about stepping in, say simply my job is to protect our son,and surely you would think less of me if i didn't do that. Also maybe tell him that until he can find other ways to discipline, don't. Just don't smack at all until he can judge when it is appropriate or not. Btw, i do smack, but it is far from the only thing i do.
Thanks everyone :)