Hygiene issues.
We have my husbands 13yr old daughter for half of every school holidays as per the custody arrangement. We have always had problems with her not wiping herself properly after the toilet, heavily soiling underwear, not washing often enough, not brushing teeth and inability to wash hair properly. She eventually outgrew the not wiping properly etc by around age 10. She has begun her period this year and we have had lots more issues. She does not change her sanitary pads often enough even after us keeping on her case. She bleeds through onto sheets and clothes and will hide her clothes and when asked if they are soiled she blantantly lies about it. We have explained that we would prefer she come to us than lie but the behavior continues each & every holiday. We have spoken to her mother about it & she said she has been on her case about it too though if this is infact true, clearly it's not getting through to her. It's very frustrating for us and makes the visit a negative experience as we are constantly dealing with these issues. Even tonight she lied saying she'd brushed her teeth when she hadn't.
My husband works full time in a high powered job with long hours & I'm the primary carer when she is here as I am a SAHM with 2 little ones.
We have a good relationship otherwise so I'm not sure why she has to lie and hide these things.
Just not sure how to combat this issue as its getting to a point where we feel that until she gets this stuff sorted at her mothers, we don't want her coming to stay, I don't think this is something a step parent should have to teach a child, it's the mothers responsibility. I know if I was in the same situation I would address all hygiene issues with my daughter as its my job, I wouldn't want any other woman teaching my child something that I believe is a mothers responsibility. My husband is frustrated & feels awful that I have to continually deal with it.
This is a place where women from different backgrounds, cultures and beliefs come together to support one another judgement free.
28 Replies
It's the mothers and FATHERs responsibility so yeah if hubby has to take some time off if work or something to help out at home to get it sorted that's what needs to happen. If I was the parent if be involving a psychologist as this is a bigger issue. Can be a sign of depression/aspergers or other.
No I don't think it's the mothers responsibility. It's her carers responsibility (and she has at least 3), all 3 of you should be working together on this situation. I disagree that it should be the dad when it comes to female stuff like periods. I think telling her she isn't welcome because of her low hygiene standards is harsh! And mean and in no way will it help her. She is probably lying because she is embarrassed. As for the bleeding I was always having accidents accidents at that age and would hide my sheets and clothes out of humiliation. Perhaps take her to see a doctor who can explain health complications of low hygiene practices. Maybe make her a chart to rock off throughout the day and give extra pocket money. Maybe put her toothbrush in the kitchen so she has to wash her teeth in the kitchen or outside (or somewhere u can see her). She sounds like she may have some issues that a psychologist may be able to help with, depression? Lack of caring about day to day activities? How is she in school? Is she slow because I know I worked with kids in the past who are slow with low iqs and they have these same issues along with social problems.
Umm to me if you have decided to marry your husband then you knew that he had a daughter and that you would accept her aswell, which means YOU have a responsibility to parent that child aswell. I would speak to your step child and explain how important hygiene it ect especially when it's coming into summer. It sounds like all the adults in her life are passing the buck mum thinks you guys will sort it out and you guys think the mother will sort it out and the only one to miss out in this situation is this girl. Pls someone step up
I remember being her age and it was hard and confusing, she may be hiding her clothes because she is embarrassed. If she doesn't know already maybe show her how to use the washing machine so she can stop hiding things. Maybe get back to basics with her, show her how to correctly use her pads, she may be worried that she doesn't have enough pads so make sure she always has plenty so she can change them regularly, and also maybe have a bin or somewhere she can dispose of her used pads discreetly. These are all things that worried me at her age. She might just be young and not emotionally mature enough to cope with these changes. Maybe have a chat with her alone and get down to her level rather than be the parent, tell her your worries and listen to yours, you're a great step mum for caring so much, best wishes
Sad!! Judging her like that lets get real here the girl grosses you out (truth hurts) but that's what's going on here, you should take a step back and look in the mirror because the person "step mum" that you are being right now reflects on you as a wicked step mum.to say she is not welcome baffles me do you know what that will do to her self esteem she will feel unloved, worthless good for nothing piece of crap, you will be the one that is getting in her way to being able to spend time with her siblings and dad. So grow up, pull up those big girl panties and take responsibility for YOUR step daughter that you agreed to care for when you signed those marriage papers. If you don't want to be a positive parent figure in her life then divorce her dad you have no right in taking that little girls father away from her on half of the school holidays. Don't take offence this is the truth. Take it in, accept it than change it.. I send love to that little girl, poor thing.
Wow bit harsh! Guess you've never been in same position to be so judgemental. Suppose you're a stepmum yourself? No? Well don't comment!
I know it's harsh but it's the truth! She will see her as a wicket step mum and will resent her if she feels abandoned I'm just being real I'm not sugar coating it like society wants me too. I was made to feel worthless from my step mum my whole life so I can understand and feel for the girl if she tells her she can't come any more then she will be heart broken. I speak my mind and tell it how it is even if it does come across as harsh but I was merely warning her that she could be perceived as a horrible wicket step mum by her step daughter if she keeps feeling the way she is feeling! It's sad and in my opinion wrong!! Sorry if I offended the poster or any others for that matter but I'm here to tell you how I see it and I'm free to comment.. :)
Im a different poster to the above.
I have been a step parent, its hard. but you become a step parent and know your position is to help care for and raise a child to the best of your ability. I agree with the above poster. But wouldnt of said it that harsly. but ultimately what was said is correct.
I am a step mum to a teenage girl as well as a mum to 2 preteen girls. Saying its mums job and she isn't welcome is quite harsh. Sometimes being a parent means dealing with crappy things.
I also remember being that age. I had accidents and would get embarrassed and hide it so my mum showed me how to wash it myself but id still wait till no one could see me. Same with disposing of pads, id wait till no one could see me and go to the outside bin. Same with changing them, I was to embarrassed to ask to go to the bathroom if we were out somewhere and I guess I was a little annoyed by the whole process. It was gross and uncomfortable and embarrassing and I didn't want to have to stop what I was doing to check my pad cos honestly at that age I had no idea if my pad was full without looking. Some days id sweat or play sports and the pad would move without me noticing. All of these things are why I never use pads now.
Maybe work on how you are reacting to these things when you do find out, yes they are important things to do but no one wants to open up to someone that is not very understanding.
Wow!!! "Wicked step mum"???? I tend to believe that people commenting here on the website have read the page's rules, especially about name calling. Totally uncalled for, and hiding under anonymous even worse. To the OP, it's very nice that you are writing here, it's evident that you care not just about your SD but also about the family. I'm not a step mum myself, but I imagine it mustn't be easy to deal with these problems when you are kind of limited, not just in influence but also in time spent with her. I'd say have a long chat with your husband and bio mum about how can you all help her. It's obvious she is struggling with some sort of trouble and I guess that consistency is key. Maybe take her to a girls day, so you both can have nails and hair done? So she feels pretty and is also a chance to show her that you are there for her? I understand how frustrating lack of hygiene can be, but remember she is still a child and needs patience and guidance. All the best for your family xxxxa
I'm the OP - thankyou for being so kind. Reading the other posts has really been quite upsetting. So thank you for being so understanding & helpful xx
I actually think the most liked responses are kindly worded all be it maybe not what try want to hear, I have written in before and been attacked for potty training my 14 month old (who was fully trained by 18 months) and another one where I couldn't see I was being wrong in some places and my words pointed out an underlining issue to others . Some people were so harsh but others kindly conveyed actually a similar message all we have to go on is what you wrote, and excluding her from time with her family till she sorts herself out is harsh and it needs to be said even though it can sound harsh even if kindly worded , but you asked for advice not advice you would like to hear
Your words sounded as though you didn't beleive the mother and therefore denotes another underlining issue...
Many had simply pointed out she is a child , and needs patience and gentle guidance in a time that can be very distressing- if you didn't have a hard time during this phase that's great but my people were simply pointing out to you that they did too, I found the majority were kindly worded helpful replies, ignore the nasty trolls and try to take the constructive words, even if they are harder to hear- I'm sure there is a lot more than what you were able to write but people can only respond based on what is written. And based on what you wrote your step daughter is facing being excluded from half her family unless she can sort herself out ... Be patient, many of us spill, even as adults- there seem to be a few more issues, I had them from my mum, I still forget to brush y teeth as I am blessed with perfect bright hole less teeth. I don't wear deodorant as I rarely smell so I'm caught off gaurs when I do. And I'm a grown adult. My hormones are going crazy coming off breastfeeding and I have to remind myself to use deodorant!! It's reminded me of when I was 11!!!! But I'm my mothers voice!
Be patient, be kind, dot punish her for this, sift through the few trolls to find the kindly worded constructive criticism - there is plenty of it- good luck xxx
Oh man I can't imagine anything worse than my dad talking to me about my period. Maybe you and her mother could sit her down and have a chat together? My sister inlaw taught me more about periods and period hygiene than my mum did, sometimes girls feel more comfortable talking to someone other than parents about that sort of thing OR if it's more comfortable for her coming from both of you then yeah maybe don't involve her dad? Personally I would have found it very humiliating to have mine involved.
This was really sad to read, your poor step daughter. Please don't give up on her, it's such a confusing time for her. I must admit I'm a grown women with wonderful hygiene but I often have leaks, especially first thing in the morning as I'm getting out of bed. All you can do is guide her, advise her and support her. You are part of her life now so you need to step up, not use her father against her as punishment. Good luck I hope you can resolve this in a positive way.
Me too, even with very expensive night time protection. I remember when I was a teen and my periods seemed to be all over the place. It was awful trying to predict flow and trying to work out how to get comfortable.
I slept ontop of a towel for 3 years so if I had a leak i just had to wash the clothes and towel and my sheets would be intact and no-one would notce the extra clothes drying on the line. But they would notice the sheets! funny how we all deal differently :)
I have re-read this question a few times and I can't believe how quick you have given up on her and I can't believe that her father isn't telling you how wrong and out of line you are.. You are being unreasonable.. You know she would already be feeling I welcomed by you, ashamed and unloved. That's why she doesn't come to you, because she isn't the perfect step daughter that you want her to be.. I bleed though sometimes it's natural and normal..
Wow. It's a mothers and a fathers responsibility. How about your husband step aside from his 'high powered' job and take some time to teach his daughter basic hygiene issues. I grew up having a step mother and step father and they always made me feel at home. Perhaps she is scared of you. I can't believe you would stop her visits as she can't get her hygiene right? Unbelieveable
I don't know if it's the way you worded this but I just get a negative evil step mum vibe from you. I pray she doesn't feel the tension and negativity that you have given off on this post. She needs guidance encouragement and understanding. She is hormonal confused embarrassed and clearly lacking some life skills. But she needs to be postivly reminded on her health. Possibly have her MOTHER or FATHER take her to the child health nurse to explain it all to her. And if you think she has blood on her sheets don't embarass her by forcing her to confess to you. Quietly change her sheets when she's at school for her and leave some fresh pads or tampons on her bedside table. This will show her that you care but you understand she wants some privacy. If she's smelly like she hasn't put deodorant on buy her some new deodorant and perfume for her. This puberty thing is all new to her and living in two seperate homes is hard. Give the girl a break and suck it up
Hello this sounds really tricky. When I was 13 I got my first period. I was so embarrassed about it that I hid it from my mother for all my teenage years. I just couldn't speak openly about it. I was also afraid to tell her I wanted to shave my legs. Again I was just too embarrassed and couldnt openly ask her. There was no reason I couldnt go to her but I couldn't help it. It had a lot to do with my mental health which was shocking through my teenage years. Horrible depression, self harming, overdosing on panadol, or any other household medicine i could find, awfully low self esteem and self image issues. I remember i stopped washing my hair for no logical reason...I couldnt ask my mum for pads as I was scared so I horded them, stealing them from my mum and didn't change them enough. I was jealous of my friend whos mum used to just buy them for her every shopping trip and leave them on her bed. So just as a suggestion, make sure she always has a stockpile of them. And perhaps get some books aimed at her age about puberty, periods, anything else that may be helpful so she can look through them on her own.
As frustrating as it is try being as gental as you can in your approach to the topic or she will withdraw from you her father and her mother. Who knows whats going through her mind, and if she feels like she is always getting in trouble and everyone is frusted with her and think she is ridiculous and useless, it could make the matter so much worse. Keep in mind that to a 13 year old girl, talking about her periods to her dad would be excruciatingly embarrassing! So yes, you, her step mum are the next best thing when she is away from her mum. She is your responsibility when in your care because you married her dad... you said you have a good relationship with her so make sure you are a safe person for her to go to. Be caring in the way you talk about the issue. Maybe have a girly day, just you and her if possible and see if you can gently get her to open up to you as to why she is having troubles with changing her pads and lying about cleaning her teeth etc... Make sure she feels like she can trust you. It seems from what you have written, she has mum dad and step mum all talking about her problem behind her back and all watching for her to stuff up and she might feel anxious, ridiculed, judged and llike shes disgusting and even more embarrassed, that's why she would be hiding her clothes, I did it too with my blood stained knickers! Also see if her mum and dad would be ok if she visited a psychologist and doctor just in case there are more complex problems going on. Please dont make her feel unwelcome. She needs guidance and love. Not to be made feel gross and a nuisance. Im kinda just trying to give some insight to how she may feel. And that it could be more than just simply being lazy. I hope you find a solution and its not something like the mental health issues I had as a teen (they ended in me attempting suicide before anyone knew and I got treatment). It would be hard to be a step mum because you wouldn't know when your over stepping the boundaries on what her own mum expects of you so maybe have a chat with her mum too about what shes happy with when it comes to supporting the girl through these issues. Good luck xxx
I'm the original poster - thank you for your words. You were very kind & right on the mark. We always have sanitary items available, but apparently not at her mothers. It's a tricky situation alright & being currently 34 weeks pregnant I'm struggling with a lot at the moment so I appreciate your kindness. Xx
Poor kid!
I was a late bed wetter. I can imagine the embarrassment she feels. Let her know it's ok to have accidents and how she should deal with them.
I knew to strip my bed and put the sheets in the laundry. When I was old enough I knew to put them in the machine and turn it on. Teach her these skills. Perhaps set up a soaking bucket in the laundry that she can throw underwear into. Tell her nicely what it's for.
Have a girls day out. Go shopping, buy her toiletries, shower gels, nice soaps, shampoo etc. get your nails done and let her choose a lip gloss. If she feels better about herself she is more likely to take care of herself.
Also talk to her about her period - if it's leaking on the bed it may be very heavy and she needs help managing it. Do you know for sure she's not changing often enough?
Help her feel good about herself and to trust that you love her regardless of her slip ups.
Such good advice
I'm 30 and I still have leakage if I have a lay in after being woken ... Once my body wakes I have to be out of bed in 5 minutes on the toilet or I leak!!! I also leak in the day on occasion! That poor little girl.... I'm blessed with a bright white smile but god for it I wasn't if people knew my dental hygiene they'd be shocked!!!! But thankfully my parents were patient!! And yes you are this girls parent , your remark sounded so snide to the mother "she says" ( but obviously she's lying as it's such a simple thing to fix even though you've had no success yourself, I know I'm coming across harsh I'm just trying to get you to see a bigger picture here and show you just cos you never struggled in that area others do! I'm also fortunate enough to be considered daily good lookin by most people but I really have to make a serious conscious effor for hygiene, sorry that just me , my husband still loves me and my parents always always showed loved and compassi, I got there (almost ) in the end :p
"It's very frustrating for us and makes the visit a negative experience as we are constantly dealing with these issues...
we don't want her coming to stay, I don't think this is something a step parent should have to teach a child, it's the mothers responsibility....My husband is frustrated & feels awful that I have to continually deal with it"
Those are some quotes out of your post I.M.
I know you are so frustrated and maybe you haven't bonded with your step daughter enough to love her as your own. I don't know what your relationship with her is like. I am trying not to make assumptions so feel free to clarify.
Heres a hypothetical situation... Imagine your own biological child was going through a really difficult patch that needed extra attention. I want you to imagine how you would feel sending them to their father's knowing these are the things the step-mum would feel about your child. I'm really sorry everyone is tearing shreds off you but I guess a lot of woman felt a strong sisterly urge to stand up for your step daughter. Just try really hard to put your frustration aside and be there for this little girl.
What was something we are told over and over again when toilet training toddlers? Don't yell at them for accidents, don't ridicule them because it can make the experience traumatizing for them, make them nervous etc...practice the same approach. :)
"She bleeds through onto sheets and clothes and will hide her clothes and when asked if they are soiled she blantantly lies about it...." this is because she is embarrassed. remember when you were a teenager and how confusing awkward and often humiliating the beginning of puberty was? Go back to that place and try and be a little more understanding. :)
A lot of woman have suggested taking her to a doctor, psychologist, child-health nurse, woman's health clinic etc...I think this is a great idea. And perhaps get your husband to suggest it to your stepdaughter's mother too. As you know your step-daughter has some issues feeling comfortable to go to you or her dad about these personal issues, so maybe if your plan is for you and your husband speak to the professional privately, outlining the history of her hygiene issues and the current ones, explaining what you have tried so far to help her, and then your daughter can speak to the professional privately and then once you've all had a little say the professional can give you and your husband some helpful advise and suggestions on what direction to take that will be actively helpful.
It may even take a few visits for your step-daughter to open up. But doing something like that would possibly be a lot more productive than just staying on her case. As others have also said there may be much bigger issues causing these problems. Good luck! There is a solution! Stay understanding xx
Thank you. I feel like I have been unfairly attacked by many of the other responders but I felt yours was fair. I do want to point out I also used to leak when on my period as a young girl and I have explained this to her and said there is nothing wrong with this, it's completely normal & natural to have accidents. I also explained we would rather her come to us when it happens as we are happy to help but what we won't tolerate is lying.
The fact here is her mother is a very unhygienic person herself and I know these issues are not dealt with at home despite us talking with her mother. I will also let everyone know I have taken her on days out to have nails done, hair done etc but nothing seems to sink in. We have taken her to doctors with urinary tract infections that have been left for weeks at her mothers, we take her to doctors & dentists when in our care as she doesn't get that at home. I did say we had a good relationship otherwise but lots of you seem to think I'm evil & unfair. If I didn't care why would I bother posting? I am frustrated yes, my husband is also frustrated. He's a very hands on dad and is very involved with all our children. We love & care for them equally and only want the best for them. We know it's difficult having her to & fro from house to house but she's been doing this all her life so it's nothing new. But we also want to instil good hygiene practices and feel these need to be met at least while at our home but feel like we are getting nowhere despite trying different tactics.
I was simply reaching out for any advice that may have helped or assisted us but I'm actually sorry I did. I only managed to make myself look like an evil stepmother who makes her stepdaughter ashamed, disgusting and unwelcome.
Thankyou to the writers who understood my predicament and offered helpful & constructive advice.
It sounds as a step mother you care. Do you have much of a relationship with the bio mother? I'm asking as it sounds like you don't as you are very quick to judge her. Maybe try giving her call and discuss things with her. Maybe the mother dose leave her plenty of pads and offers lots of advice but the daughter is not listening and is just saying her mum doesn't so the teen will not get in trouble. Maybe the mother just like you is feeling frustrated and unsure what she can do next.
I'm asking because when I was having trouble with of my children and my ex and his wife were having the same issue, I was so grateful that his wife my daughters step mother reached out with no judgement, to talk and share ideas with me. It was nice to know she was on my side as to prior to this she acted like she had a dislike towards me. Now we can discuss anything about DD together without the judgement. Good Luck
I understand this, as my son would go to his fathers toilet trained And come home back to where we started. Partly because his dad decided it was easier to put nappies on him apparently so toilet training took forever!
I read the mother has bad hiegien herself so this would make the whole situation harder because you have your step daughter for such a short time, any progress you make will be thrown out the window once she is home and poorly influenced..you could try the books idea. Like buy as many books about periods, self care, puberty, anything aimed at her age group, google some titles. Then she can take them home..any good influence and care is worth a try. And stockpile pads and tampons maybe add some razors for her to shave her legs, deoderant, perfumes, some pretyy soap and moisterizer etc... and make a package for her to take home. It should be her mums responsibility to do this at her home but if she's failing to do so you and dad could totally have her back :) this is one of the difficult parts about co-parenting. Not everyone is on the same page. Hope something works out.