Hi Mummies..
I have lots of questions within this question! Hope you can all help!
So I would like to ask the million dollar question.. what strategies do you all use for getting your children to listen, follow instructions the FIRST time and show respect to things all the time?
My children are almost 8, 6, 4. The first issue is the phone. I find as soon as someone rings which doesn't seem to be often, or I have to make a phone call, they decide to fight, or come and all ask questions at the same time, or worse run a loud muck. I'm not saying I'm entitled to hours on the phone, but I feel like I should be able to have a conversation without having to go into hiding.. I often find myself having to go outside and then flap about like a lunatic waving my hand for them to move away.. I would like them to learn to be patient and to come and say excuse me mum and then me acknowledge to them that I have heard them and then they wait patiently.. just not sure how I go about teaching them this. I have told them numerous times when I'm off how disappointed I am in them, how rude they were, how I shouldn't have to go outside and have taken away TV time or early to bed, which clearly isn't working.
Second issue, whenever friends or family come over they go absolutely crazy. They are loud, attention seeking and run around jumping all over furniture. I'm embarrassed and don't know how to get them to stop. As soon as people leave they are so well behaved and return to if you will 'normal'. I understand they want the guests attention but I don't know how to get them to listen to me and do the right thing when I know they know how. The same thing goes if we go out to functions, dinner or anywhere. They go crazy! They are excellent in their sporting commitments, they listen to their coaches and get along with team mates and other adults. It just seems to be in restricted places - church, dinner, weddings, christenings, shops etc...
Third issue is, how do I get them to listen to me the first time and follow instructions. I only want to ask once and I want them to do it. I don't want to have to keep coming in and asking over and over again. They have excellent manners and always say please and thankyou.
Recently they have all started fighting non stop. They are at each other non stop. One will snatch something, then that person will yet and hit the other then that one retaliates and then that one hits back again. Its becoming so disheartening to watch and go through and its so stressful.
At school they are fantastic. Their reports are brilliant and teachers always comment on how kind, caring and helpful they are.
At home they are dealing with a sick parent, but in saying that, this behaviour has been going on well before they were sick, so I don't think the behaviour can be put down to that.
I hate yelling, and prefer not to do it. I'm against smacking, hitting, shoving etc. I want our family home to be harmonious and calming. I want no one to have to yell, and everyone to help one another.
Please help with what ever strategies you have used to get your children to listen, follow instructions and rules the first time.
Many thanks in advance x
3 Replies
On the listening the first time I'll tell you what method we use where I work with kids with behavioural issue. Firstly make sure you have the child's attention before you ask them to do something, so get eye contact and tell them exactly what you want them to do in a clear voice. If they don't go do it in 3-5 seconds repeat the instruction with 'I told you to...' Then take them by the hand to do what you asked. If your not prepared to follow through don't ask in the first place. Initially it will take some time but soon they'll get the idea that your not accepting their behaviour and go do straight away. Make sure you praise them a lot when they do things the first time you asked.
As to restaurants I'd make sure you take something for the kids to do while they are in the restaurant. Wether that's colouring books or technology that's up to you. Before you go into the restaurant tell them the rules in a clear firm voice while maintaining eye contact. Tell them they can do whatever activity but they need to remain in their seats and use their inside voices. If one of them starts to get out if control nip it in the bud by getting eye contact and reminding him/her of the rules. Make sure to start with it's a quick visit drink and starter and leave as soon as the kids have finished eating so the kids don't have time to misbehave. Once behaviour is established then you can worry about longer meals. If my kid with severe autism can do it your kids can too :)
First of all, I think you need to lower your expectations a little bit. I think it's unreasonable to expect kids to be in control of their impulses and know what's expected of them at all times. Their brains are still developing and things like being quiet and respectful are things they can do for only a limited time.
What you can do is set your expectations with them when these certain occasions occur. If you need to make a phone call, talk to them first. Make sure they're listening (get their attention, get down on their level) and explain "I'm about to make a call. I need you guys to stay in the living room and play for a few minutes. Be nice to each other and play quietly. Now, before I go make this call, does anyone need anything?" Look after their needs then go make your call. If they interrupt, excuse yourself briefly from the call and reiterate your expectations. It might take a few times for them to get the idea bit they'll get there. Understand it won't happen instantly and you'll need to do this each time for a while but they'll get there.
When you are trying to get them to listen and perform an action without having to nag, there are a few things you need to do. Be aware that what they are doing at the time is just as important to them as your projects are to you. Don't expect them to drop everything instantly. Get their attention first, make sure they're listening. Ask them could they please do xyz for you. If they look like they are quite engrossed in their activity then say "could you please finish up there and then xyz for me?" Don't just walk in and tell them to do xyz, chances are they won't even notice you've said it. Tell them once (ensuring they've heard and understood) then walk away. Give them time to organise themselves. If you don't see it being done within 30 mins, then go back and ask if they need help getting started.
Make sure you're spending plenty of time with them as a group and one on one. It's normal for kids to act up a bit when there are guest or new people about and seek attention. It sounds like things at home are a bit busy and stressful, and perhaps you're spread a bit thin. Again when you know you're having visitors, you can set your expectations with them. If they act up, remind them gently what the expectations are.
Most of all, remember they are kids and need opportunities to be silly, run around and expend physical energy too so give them plenty of chances. You might find that helps a lot. They sound like lovely kids and you a fantastic mother xxx