I can't decide whether to have a second child. I have a 3 year old who I love a crazy amount but I find parenthood difficult. I'm a free-spirited low-energy introvert, I like quiet cups of tea with the odd bit of spontaneity. I find the *constantness* of being physically and emotionally needed very difficult. My partner has wanted another since the day our daughter was born. I have tried and tried to get enthusiastic about the idea for his sake and I'm just not. If I could magically have another 2 year old tomorrow I would mayyyybe consider it but the thought of another pregnancy and baby makes me want to run away to Mexico. Especially the thought of having two kids wanting me at the same time.
I love my partner and daughter and would pretty much do anything for them. My partner is trying to be supportive and tells me all he wants is me to be happy and that all our daughter needs is a happy mum. But I know he'd be disappointed to not have another.
For the record, I do *not* think it is selfish to have one child and I don't think onlies are disadvantaged. I am mainly struggling because my partner and I have different wants. Also, there is kind of a part of me that feels someone is "missing" from our family. I'm just not sure if that is enough to survive the sleepless nights and lack of personal adult life outside of being "mum".
So my question is - has anyone ever had a second child despite being ambivalent about it? How did that go? Or have you chosen to have an only and had to work through similar feelings?
3 Replies
Oh I could have written this myself! But I have 3 y/o twins and had a horrific pregnancy/premature birth and ended up with PTSD and pnd. So I'm terrified. But like you if I could skip ahead then I'd be fine! I do feel that another child would complete us but I need to think realistically and I don't know if our relationship could handle if things went bad again.
I change my mind constantly but for the moment I'm thinking we won't go back for at least another few years and re assess then. Sorry I'm no help, but just so you know you aren't alone :)
Personally I would not have a second. Yeah you might get through it, you might get excited about having a second but you also may not get excited about it and you may resent the new baby etc. it's an awful place to be knowing that your parent doesn't want you or just is going through the motions.
I had very similar feelings. I have had a second, and part of my reasoning was that perhaps the second child would be a playmate for the first, and take the pressure off me to CONSTANTLY be entertaining my daughter. She was, and still is, so demanding of my attention. Nearly three years later, I have absolutely no regrets. The second child was a completely different pregnancy, birth, and baby to my first. Thank goodness. And although they have their arguments etc they are good company for each other. They are currently 2y10m and 5y6m and my feelings about parenting are exactly the same as they always were. I love them to pieces but I don't particularly enjoy parenthood. My feelings would have been the same whether I had the second or not, so for me it was more about having company for my first child and giving her another little person to annoy instead of me haha. Glad I did it, our second little miss is a delight.