The background,
Long story short; my ex cheated on me when I was pregnant and when our son was a new born (found this out after our relationship break down) a year ago he left me for this home wrecker (she was married and she knew he was with me) and hardly has anything to do with his son. When I was pregnant he never wanted to feel him kick and was unsupportive of me during my pregnancy and hardly wanted to hold our son once he was born.
Since he left he's played mind games and has used me to cheat on her ( she cheated on him so he used me to cheat on her on two seperate occasions and through our whole relationship he used me to try make her jealous to try and get back with her, she is his ex from years ago). Since being with her he has even less to do with his son, maybe seeing him once a month if he's lucky and usually it's only becuse i pester him about when he will see his son. He missed his sons first birthday and so did his family. No one called or even sent a card. I tried to call and contact him but he did not answer or reply. I tried mediation and he failed to show ( because i filed for a property settlement as this was after I found out he was using me I wanted to be done with the games this is also why he didn't show for his bday). He never ask about him yet he will send me messages about financial stuff. Ignored my messages or when his son has been sick. My son knows his fsther a a person but not that he is his dad.
My question is, should I give up trying and cut him out of his sons life until he can man up and put the effort in. I'm at my wits end. I do have conditions on him when he sees his son as he has said he's suicidal and do not feel he should be left alone in his fathers care. I have tried to organise for alternative arrangements but he does not seem interested.
Also how do I go about cutting him out as I feel like I would feel guilty. I do feel it is best for my son as my ex is not a strong role model and can not commit to routien visits.
5 Replies
Don't feel guilty! This man is toxic to your son. A real Dad doesn't come in and out of his child's life when it pleases him. My sons biological father left me when I was 8 weeks pregnant, spat on me during the pregnancy and made threats to me when our son was born that he would take him from me and never give him back. I have never left him alone with our son for that reason and on our sons first birthday his family stayed outside and excluded themselves. I asked his Dad to change his nappy once and his Nan turned around and said 'why? You're his Mum!' I replied with 'and HE's his Dad! I'm not the only parent!' From then on I realised if I didn't make the effort to organise things, his Dad wasn't going to make an effort. Everything was always my fault so I gave up and it's been three more years and his Dad hasn't bothered to see him, not ONCE! It's best for my boy and I raised him on my own until I met my current partner. I never missed a single special thing and his Dad has missed everything. While his Dad was never there, I have been there for every single thing and that's something I'm so proud of. I can say I did it and hopefully my son will appreciate everything I did on my own for him when he grows up. It wasn't my choice for it to be this way, it was his Fathers and it'll be his fault if our son one day wants nothing to do with him. My son sees my current partner as his Dad, calls him Dad and doesn't even know his real Father, wouldn't recognise him if he walked past us in the street. It'll be me who has to explain to my son if he asks wiestikns one day but then I'll tell him the truth. His real Dad never bothered but the man he sees as his Dad was always there. Your son will feel constantly let down if his Dad comes in and out of his life all the time as he grows up. Your son will gain trust issues from that because he'll never be able to rely on one of the people he's meant to be able to rely on to be there. That's all you can do, it's not your fault!
I think you're wrong take a step back from the situation yes and let them do the effort making but you have no right to dictate what family that kid sees or doesn't see after all they may not be you're family but they are you're sons family if you like it or not it was youre choice to have a child with this man
He doesn't see him anyway. The only reason why he sees him is because I ask him to see him he has never asked off his own back if he can see him nor has his family. It was my choice to have a child with him but he said he only had our son to make her jealous.
I'm not deciding who is in my sons life but I don't think I should be the one to make all the effort. The onky effort.
if his father and his fathers family dont give two shits.. then cut them off... i was in the same position, exactly! my then partner was back n forth with me and his ex, i loved him n put up with it hoping he woukd stop, in the end i woke up! he was a terrible father.. was barely there for my pregnancy.. i too asked him to feel baby kicking and he said "he already knows what it feels like" ... well not on me he didnt.. he was referring to his ex, they have a child. this man drank heavily, was abusive and was in and out so much that i had to end it.. mind games started or rather got worse and i decided enough was enough. mediation was set up, he didnt bother. I cut him off. changed my number and took over his (to stop myself from calling him when our child was sick etc) i cancelled his phone account and he was forced to get a new number. i dont regret it one bit. im a mother who is trying to keep the toxicity out of our lives.. the negativity and the bullshit.. its been three months no contact... honestly its been hard because i think of him everyday abd wish he was here raising our child but i did whats best.. some of you may not agree and thats fine... i have never felt freer and my baby and i are well, healthy and living a calm happy life.. no games.. no shit... if he really wanted to see our child he would get his act together n set up mediation.. im done trying and you sound like you are too. Cut him off. he will find a way if he really gives a shit.. actions speak louder than words.
what do you mean she has no right to dictate.. shes his mother .. smh.
the kids obviously not old enough to make up his own mind?