Prior to having a baby hubby and I wanted 4 kids. This was reassessed once having a bubs mainly for the reasons that we didn't want to take too much time from our gorgeous daughter and our relationship.
Hubby went on a path of feeling insecure about our relationship recently and started wanting a bubs straight away rather than waiting a year more. I finally agreed to it as I initially wanted children closer in age (our daughter is 15 months now). The reason for delaying was due to my concerns about work but I feel like I can overcome these issues I foresaw before.
Now hubby has decided that he doesn't want any more children. I know it is a phase at present so am not worried. But if he continues to feel the same way in a few months time I don't know how I would feel. So I guess if your hubby changed his mind about wanting more children would it be a deal breaker?
We have always said we wanted more and I am 27 so have time to have more. This would have always been a deal breaker before I was married and had kids but now I need to think of her. I will always resent him if we didn't have anymore because I always wanted them to have someone (a sibling) in their life like I did. We also don't have any other children from past relationships etc.
What are your thoughts? Is it a deal breaker?
7 Replies
Oh and his reasons for not having kids are because it is too hard and he wants more time to enjoy the things he likes. Utterly selfish but at least honest!
but the "things he likes" are his wife and child (says so in the first paragraph). I don't think its selfish, I think it is lovely that the reasons are because they "didn't want to take too much time from our gorgeous daughter and our relationship". we aren't having a third child because we think it would be too hard on us. I don't think that is selfish. having a bunch of kids doesn't make you a less selfish person.
Just seen this bit (I posted the longer message) - I don't think it is 'utterly selfish' - it would be more selfish to bring a child into the world that he doesn't really want. There is nothing wrong with wanting to maintain a bit of balance to still enjoy life.
How's his mental health? Maybe he is suffering from depression?
I don't think it would be a deal breaker for me as I don't think anyone can really tell how many kids you want until you've had your first! I'd also appreciate a partner who said hey I changed my mind rather than went on to have four kids then told you he didn't want them.
Also I think the sibling thing doesn't always work out anyway (I know plenty of siblings who hate each other and never talk).
I think though it's a good time to re-evaluate your relationship as a couple and make sure your on the same path in general and make a decision based on that.
so he wants to have only 1 child so that he wanted to focus his time on the people he loves most... his daughter and yourself. No not a deal breaker for me. seems like maybe he has a lot of insight into how hard 2 kids might be on your relationship. trust me, its haaaard, and it does place a lot of stress on people. I cant imagine what 4 would be like.
It wouldn't be for me. I could happily stay married to my husband regardless of whether or not we had children. I understand that children are very important to some people but I envisage that my husband will be the person to truly journey through life with me, and therefore he would be much more important. If he decided he didn’t want kids, I could live with that.
I would suggest that you need to talk to your husband about the reasons why he has changed his mind. Depending on the reasons why, you might be able to work together towards having a second child.
You need to be prepared for the fact that he won't change his mind though. Only you can decide if it'll be a deal breaker. You have to consider that breaking up with him just because he doesn't want any more kids will mean breaking up the family you currently have. What happens if you leave him and don't meet anyone to have a second child with? It might end up being for nothing.
I’m not an only child so I can’t truly comment on what it’s like to be one but remember that there are other avenues for your daughter to have companions in life – siblings aren’t her only option.
Have an honest discussion with your husband and perhaps consider talking to a professional to see if YOUR feelings for wanting a second child can be overcome.
Wishing you luck.