Ever since I was a little girl I've always known I wanted kids but never be a full time stay at home mum. I've always needed to be busy and thrive off working and pressure. My first child I went back to work weekends that was fine. After that her dad and I split and when I re-partnered and had more children circumstances changed and me working wasn't an option due to partners work and no family/friend support so I've now been a stay at home mum for 5 years. Don't get me wrong I love my kids whole heartedly but I hate being home all the time. I need to feel challenged and independent and use my brain for more then cleaning,cooking and playing. I am studying so i can change career so its an option for me to work but in the meantime how the hell are you meant to accept being everything you never wanted to be? I've been trying to do this for 5 years. But its just not enough. I knoe this post will likely attract the haters and I honestly dont care. I just need others opinions on how to deal with this so I can stop feeling resentment and so much anger. Its affecting my marriage and I'm finding myself more and more angry about it and I need to fix it but at a complete loss.
How do you get over being everything you never wanted to be?
How do you get over being everything you never wanted to be?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Self Care, Parenthood Guilt
3 Replies
last year I had to give up a career I absolutely loved and thrived on to stay home to look after a disabled relative. The first 6 months were a huge adjustment mentally. It's very lonely, and boring and unlike your situation nothing is likely to change for at least 10 years.
I make the most of it, you one day will be able to do what you want, so you don't have to get over it! It's like any goal you are content because you are working towards that goal.
While you work towards it you find things keep you occupied, get out with the kids more, leave hubby with the kids one night a week and join a kindy/ school council etc or raise funds for a charity. There are heaps of challenging things you can add to your week :)
Oh I am so the same. I started crying the other day, demanding if my partner had noticed my intelligence slipping away and asking if I had received some horrible head injury because I can't seem to comprehend anything beyond Elmo's intelligence level (ok, ok... I'm being melodramatic!). I swear though its because I'm always at home with two toddlers! My brain is turning to mush! I need adult time! I need brain stimulation! The wiggles is just not providing that and Duplo is getting old! I need to be working, at least a few days a week. If that's going to bring on haters, too bad! I love my kids! I love them so much and I know I will cry in the car between day care drop off and walking into work that first day. I know I'll ring day care every day to check on them. I know there will be this horrible mummy guilt at the end of my work days. But I also know I will make a BETTER mum if I get that chance to work, to be away from that every day, all day routine that's making me feel so horribly restless and frustrated and maybe even restricted.
I totally take my hat off to mums who love being a stay at home mum, who thrive at it and seem to be total guns at it!...But its just not me. As woman of today we are lucky! We have a choice to be working mums, career mums or stay at homes mums...and we should all respect each others choices whatever that may be! Good luck in all your life directions lovely Mumma! xx
It's really hard. I was a straight A student all through school. I excelled at absolutely everything. Sport, art, music.. you name it. One of those annoying kids that just found school and life so easy. I started uni and in my second year, fell pregnant. It challenged me to my absolute core, because my fundamental belief is that babies should be with a parent full time until at LEAST three (it's only my own preference, not meaning to offend). I loved being a SAHM at first.. and of course, I still love it now. But I have three kids. Two are in school. One has just turned 2. I started a business from home after my second, which brought in quite a bit of money and challenged me artistically, but when I had my third it was all just too much. So I stopped and now am a full time SAHM again. It is lonely, isolating, boring, lacking all stimulation. My husband, even though he wants me home with the kids too, doesn't really appreciate anything I do around the home and feels I have it really easy. I'm a pretty upbeat person. I've never been 'depressed'... but my life occasionally makes me feel that way. It has nothing to do with the fact that I don't LOVE my children. I dedicate my entire life to them. I sacrificed so much to be with them. But I think I just have to snap myself out of it, every now and then. Don't be so negative. These moments, in the grand scheme of things, I believe will be fleeting. Even if it spans 5-10 years, you'll look back on it when you're old and grey and you'll be thankful you had this time with them. It's the pressures of society that make me feel down. It's taken me a while to realise. Women are suppose to be 'it all', now. The word 'success' is associated more with your career or wealth, than with how you raise your children, nowadays. Being a SAHM is not seen in a positive light anymore. I've learnt to completely own my choice to be with my children. It IS what I want and no amount of societal pressure is going to change my opinion. Beyonce Knowles said recently 'Women can have it all... but just not all at once".. in relation to her choosing to be a SAHM. If I work, my family life suffers. My children suffer. The house falls apart. I get stressed out. We eat shitty dinners. I yell more. My husband is more stressed because he's picking up the pieces and he works nearly 60 hours some weeks as it is. But, If I don't work, I feel utterly useless. Dependant on my husband. Lacking any real sense of self. Like I'm being left behind in this fast paced, career orientated world. Positive reinforcement is all that will help you. Focus only on the positive reasons that being a SAHM is truly a wonderful and nourishing place for you and most importantly, your children, right now. Force yourself to change your thoughts. It's all that has worked for me.