Hoping to help someone in a dv relationship by telling my story.

I see a lot of questions about domestic violence lately, I have even asked about my exes behaviour to on here not knowing truly if it was dv. I also see a lot of judgement in regards to some of the questions, ladies (and gentlemen) please be kind, there is not use kicking someone when they are down.

Ladies who are going through this please know you can leave. Please trust me when I say you get instant empowerment. And I do understand all the concerns - what if this pisses him off more will he finally kill me? What will happen if he gets the kids? Will I actually be able to cope with out him?

Here's a little bit of my story that I am hoping will help someone to leave, or someone to understand. This is a little hard but if this gets through to just one person and hopefully encourage them to reach out

As a child I grew up with a father who abused my mother and one of my siblings, from that they has developed a lot of psychological problems, they believed they was never good enough at school which left a lot of problems with teachers and learning, they blamed themself for our parents divorce, they also had addiction problems. They have came a long way now with life looking up. When I was 6 my mother left my father, she is my inspiration despite everything my father did and all the threats she left, if she could I could.

7 years ago I met my ex, it was almost love at first sight. To start off with he was only ever around when it suited him, he ended up breaking up with me 6 months later. I was heart broken but carried on. We ended up back together a couple of months later and about 9 months after that I was expecting a baby. At 6 weeks pregnant I had a bleeding so we went to the hospital, there it was someone truly opened my eyes. The orderly told me "you promise me not to ever let him treat you like that again" after a hissy fit he threw. Through that I ended up leaving him a couple of weeks later after all if someone who saw 5 seconds of our relationship and could say that, there was something seriously wrong. During that time I had received various threats from burning down my house to getting a hit taken out on me. Stupidly when my child was 6 months old I let him back into my life with promises of change. Things went smoothly, well as smoothly as they went with him. Check ins and regular phone calls was the worst of it, he would always continue to message and call me. If I went out alone I would end up in trouble after some time, he wanted me around him 24/7. I was pregnant 12 months later and left again, he always got worse when I was pregnant.

Through out this time we were separated, yet again, I received one phone call that sent chills down my spine I can remember the exact time and date as well as the words and tone he used, even back ground noises to this date.

That kept me away for 14 more months, through all the "I love you" "I need you" it was enough. Then that dreaded moment "I have changed, I want to be there for you and the kids", I fell for it again. Well with in the next 16 months things stayed the same, phone calls, messages, not allowing people around who didn't have a fear of him. On the day I said I wanted to take my kids to a play group again because I would like to make friends he said "why do you need friends when you have me?" He hated me having friends he didn't know, I eventually lied about what I was doing one day and went to play group had an awesome time and he found out, I got a lecture and just agreed. He didn't like me thinking, if I didn't tell him what I was thinking shit would hit the fan. One day he grabbed me and shoved me around for not talking to him about what I was thinking and looking back now I can't understand how that could make someone so angry. I hate confrontation so like to calm down before bring up anything that was bothering me, it saves a lot of hurtful words in my eyes. Over the last 6 months of our relationship I would be woken up with him on top of me having sex with me, even when I told him I hated it he still did it. I had also started noting things he had said because I couldn't trust my memory anymore and whenever I brought up something or caught him out he would say "that's not what I said you are going crazy".

To everyone I had the perfect partner, my family knew different but through everything not once has anyone of them told me I was an idiot for going back but supported me, same with friends. Now not only through my mothers example but also everyone's support I'm coming back to who i was. After we broke up things did get worse, he had grabbed me and shoved me to the ground twice, held me hostage basically and I just agreed with him that whole time. Everything is/was my fault in his eyes. I have 715 screen shots from texts from him, 35 off Facebook, and had multiple missed calls - in 6 weeks after we broke up he managed this. Over the last few months since then he has stopped as much. Now things are slowly getting on track, I am still petrified of relationships and think I will never find anyone ever again. There are many things I have anxiety with - going shopping and anywhere for that matter in case he is there, if I here a possum outside, delivery men knocking at my front door.

But here are the things I have gained - I'm not scared of what might make him snap, I'm not having to constantly talk and message him, I have the freedom to do anything I want, my children are back to their happy selves, and I am no longer being woken up in the middle of the night for sex. My confidence has taken a massive hit, but it's starting to come back I am now able to talk to people and not worry about their reactions or if they will get angry.

I know my situation isn't as bad as some but I am grateful I left before it got worse. Ladies life is so important, you are so important. You are able to leave but you only will when you are ready. Please don't fear the future once you are free but just take it how it comes, fight for your children hold them close and love them. Talk to lawyers, talk to doctors, talk to domestic violence hotlines, talk to counsellors - don't be afraid they can give you the tools you need to leave, switch off location services on your phone first incase he tracks you. No matter what people think and say you are strong, you always have been and that includes being strong enough to leave. This is not love it is his power, you may still love who he was and who he can be when he is trying to get forgiveness and you to stay, but it is not reason enough to stay.

And for the people who haven't been there please don't judge, until you can understand why these women stay or go back. It is so emotionally and psychologically difficult to keep away, to leave. How hard it is not to believe the "I changed" "I love you" "forgive me". And how these women already feel horrible enough to have this in front of their children. Telling them that over and over again will make them feel worse, even though I understand it is an important thing to know, but please also show support and love, showing them they are worthy, telling them they are enough and they don't have to change to please someone - these things help so much.

I would also like to say that men suffering from domestic violence don't be afraid to speak up, it doesn't make you any less of a man and someone will listen.