My child has become friends with a girl at school that is from a very different background.
They are in year 6. This girl has multiple siblings (11 siblings in a crammed house), dads in prison, knows that mums current partner is cheating on her, has an underage older sister who is pregnant, knows about drugs, talks about bashing bullies.
My child doesn't have many friends so she clings to whoever will pay her attention. She's become friends with this girl and I invited her over for a sleepover.
The girl said a lot of shocking things.
The mum didn't contact me at all about the sleepover. Like it's fine, different families different backgrounds. It was all quite shocking to me though.
I can't protect my kid from everything but I can't be ok with the friendship and I don't know what to do.
My child wants a sleepover at the girls house and I have already said that won't happen, they can be friends at school but I don't even want that tbh.
The girl wasn't rude to me, she was well behaved but she spoke about really disturbing things non stop.
7 Replies
You have a fair idea that there's a lack of care or supervision at her house so its a no brainer to not let your child stay there.
Although, I have let my kids be friends with kids from rough families because I want my kids to learn that it doesn't matter where people come from you can still get along with people and be their friend. They also need to learn how to stick up for themselves and not be scared to say no when they think something isn't right. Its also good for the friend to see that their homelife isn't necessarily normal and that they can strive for a different life if they want to. I grew up in housing commission though so literally half my friends were like your daughters friend so I guess I have a different perspective. Most of the kids I grew up with were great, compared to the kids I went to school with who were from a higher class area and were just horrible, very bitchy and judgemental, I felt bullied and out of place. I want my kids to be as grounded as I was so I don't discourage these friendships.
I wrote the post. Thank you for your reply, it is very insightful. This is the type of advice and perspective I am looking for.
Im not of a high class by any means, I struggle weekly to pay my bills but I had not encountered my kids be friends with someone of a background of prison, drugs, etc and Im just learning as a mum on what to do. So thank you for replying.
You're protecting your daughter and that's only a natural thing to want to do! But if your daughter is still going to be friends with her at school it won't stop the influence she has on her, I would still be letting the friend come to your house so you can inconspicuously keep an eye on the dynamics, like is the friend being controlling of your daughter or are they equal players? Use it as a learning experience on how to say no to our friends, if someone asks you to join in something that is wrong then you walk away. Also a good chance to pipe in when you hear the friend talking about beating people up or whatever to express your own opinion on that. Like, "Oh they beat someone up? That's terrible. I hope that person is OK, they must have been so scared". That puts a perspective on it that she might not have even heard before and she might think twice before bragging about it again in your home. It also shows your daughter a way to voice her own opinion. If you feel your daughter is getting dragged into the friends scene and she's not putting up much of a fight then that's when you would step in and end that friendship. Hard to do when they go to school but with high school next year it will be much easier, there will be more kids and the friend will go off with her own group.
Def wouldn't let her stay at her house, but the rest, what would be important to me is how she treats your daughter? Is she a good friend? Does she have a good heart? Does she push your daughter to do bad things? It's important to teach our kids how we should be treated and what we shouldn't accept in a friendship etc. unfortunately, bitchy mean girls come from all backgrounds. If this girl is a good friend to your daughter and your daughter is happy, maybe they were meant to find each other?
Growing up i came from one of the "rough" families in our small town, i always made to feel as though i wasnt good enough to be friends the kids who came from "normal" families. I wouldnt be included in birthday parties orplay dates on the weekend, i had a small group of friends (3) and even there parents were very iffy of letting me hang around with them after school which then caused me to not be included as much at school as they would be talking about all the fun stuff they got to do outside of school. It broke me all the time to the point i would just expect it constantly. It wasnt that i was a bad kid it was just that my parents were into drugs and my dad had been to Jail a couple of times (over drugs). My siblings were the same my mum would try to throw us a birthday party and no one would show up.
Now as a parent with my own children it i would never tell my child not to be friends with someone based on there family as i know first hand that just because the family are rough doesnt mean that the child chooses to live that way or is going to grow up to be the same as there parents. I was one the children who learnt from my parents mistakes and knew that i would do anything and everything to make sure my kids dont grow up the same way i did.
My daughter became friends with a girl in grade prep, very different upbringings, most people in this small town shunned that girl. I took a different approach, I had faith in how we were raising her, I encouraged my daughter to continue being friends with her explaining that some kids don’t have a cozy life, while reminding her that when said child is being ‘naughty’ that she’s not to participate or encourage. They’re now in year 7, this child lives with her Nanna and sings praises about my child being her grand daughters positive influence. My kid pulls her head in at any chance but not every time. Some kids need that good friend, the one that guides them in the right direction. Have faith in how your raising your daughter and use this as a learning opportunity
I was ‘that child’ in a similar context when I was younger. Trust me, the kid knows what you think of her and her family. She knows they are different and it’s a constant inner story.
Unless she is actively harming your child, ask yourself how preventing a friendship which could be one of the only healthy relationships she has in her life, would harm this child?