Fibromyalgia

I have been suffering from fibro for the last 3 years. From
Birth I was abused, raped, molested and raised by a sadistic mother who would literally take me away in a room to physically assault me for her pleasure. I had a near death experience at 4 years old due to my mother smothering me with her body and many more traumatic events such as being drowned in a bath, sexually assaulted not only as a little girl but as a teenager as well and not just from my
Stepfather but from other males too. Majority of my adult life when I had a family
Of my
Own, I was alienated, dismissed, was never able to express my emotions as it hurt more addressing what I was feeling to my partner than the actual issue itself so I learned after some time that it was unsafe for me
To try and resolve issues which lead to me internalizing my emotions. I am now 34 years old, and am having repressed memories of my childhood coming to the surface. It was my 2nd repressed memory of rape that was so traumatic to experience and so confusing cause of the impact
It had on me during the flashback, I dissociated pretty badly,
To the point of not being responsive, it was in that moment of the flashback that this back pain hit me, it felt like someone put a knife in my back and the pain never left since that flash back, it grew worse, to where the pain has now spread over my entire body, I feel beaten and incredibly bruised, some days it’s painful
For my
Skin to be touched, I have muscle spasms and hot electric sensations from head to toe along with consistent aching. I also had endometriosis , Adenomyosis which lead to a hysterectomy. This pain is a deep aching pain it’s not surface it’s soo imbedded and deep, I also have hip bursitis ontop of all this. I can’t help but feel like everything I went through, the abuse, internalizing my emotions, constantly going above and beyond for everyone else emotionally but having no one to hold me when I’m not okay over the years has caused actual physical pain, like all the emotions I have internalised has now taken a severe effect on my body. I’m so angry, so angry that I entered this world innocently, but was filled with the poison of others, not only did I suffer as a child due to the actions of others, as an adult I am still paying a heavy price for their abuse, I can no longer have children cause my womb became diseased, I am being tortured and beaten everyday because of fibromyalgia, fibromyalgia that I feel was caused by the abuse of others. So now I am a person with a tired soul, who literally sees no future other than a world full of pain, and no one wants to live in pain, no medications help, none, there is no treatment, no cure, so now I’m left with a heavy decision, actually I’m backed into a corner with no way out other than to organise a ticket to heaven. I haven’t made a decision yet, and I don’t want to go to heaven early, I really don’t, it’s not what I want, but I feel like I’m
Left with no choice, I just don’t want to be in pain anymore, I can feel my soul getting tired which is not an exaggeration, I am so tired.

My advice to those reading this. Don’t ignore your emotions, don’t internalise your pain, deal with your feelings, please, internalising emotions is so detrimental to your physical body, it’s toxic to hold all this pain in. I know it’s scary to remember memories you’ve suppressed but they’re coming up so they can get out of your body. Put yourself first, be there for you, be gentle on yourself, don’t put yourself last trying to make sure everyone else is okay, make sure you’re okay first.

Keep being you, you’re beautiful just the way you are. Don’t dim your light cause people around you say you’re “too much”. Don’t internalise that, don’t look for ways to see if there is something wrong you. I did that, and now I don’t have quality of life anymore.