Beyond exhaustion

Life has caught up to me. I have/had so much on my plate I've just broken.

I've always worn make-up it's been my mask. No matter how I'm feeling I have something on my face. I've been like that since the day I discovered it.
Well now it's there to hide my bags. My black rings. My tired, discoloured skin.
No one knows how dark I am under the mask and the smile. Yes I'm fake but it's the only way I have known how to act for many years now. From child assault, to eating disorders, to DV, the list goes on.

I'm a full time mum. I have been since the second I found out I was pregnant and knew I had to leave my narcissistic partner. I left 13 weeks in.
My daughter is hearing impaired and has ASD/ADHD/ODD. She is also a trauma baby. She's A LOT of work. She is in year 3 but sitting at a great 1 level. She is progressing but not as quick as her peers.
Her behaviour is out of control at home. She yells. Always says no. Refuse to do anything I ask her to do. We are always late to school/work. Mornings are absolutely s***.

I work full time. I have to, to pay the rent.
I have currently (the last 2 years) been in court with another narcissist. It's been so exhausting. My social worker said I'm being system abused. It's taken a real toll on my mental health. Suicide has been in the pitchure at one point. So I turned to alcohol. But I knew I had to stop for my child. Rocking up to school/work hung over or drunk wasn't a good look every day. Again hiding behind the mask I wear.

I have a court contest in 5 weeks. It's playing on my mind. He wants a 5 year order on me and 0 on him. He has a police order right now that is about to end. He took one out on me for letting his employer know he had an order on him (school teacher). Tunrs out he was already being looked into. He got nasty and told the courts I was stalking him. Guess me letting the school know was just the cherry on the cake. So here we are.
He found my daughters dad and ask him tp be suspended to court to "support him, against my abuse". He has agreed. I'm so dirty about this as I don't ask him for child support or anything. I don't even talk to him. Yet he travels 11 hours to come to the court cases.
My daughter is confused why he doesn't come to see her, nor ask.

My barrister has told me I should ask for that child support now.
So I am. It's a lot mentally to think about and come to terms with that that is what I am going to do to give my daughter some savings.

In the midst of all this. I have been harassed at work by a man. He is a married man and keeps asking me for sex. Said he would like us to be a distraction for each other while i go thorugh court and he goes through married issues. I have clearly said no. Which I am proud of cause for me that is hard. He WONT stop asking. So I have made a formal report to management. I feel so silly. Like how did I attact another man like that.

On top of all this I am running in-between appointments for my daughter. I'm trying to get more funding on the NDIS but getting no where.

I also have health issues. PTSD, endometriosis, burcitus in my hips, back issues, and getting a diagnosis for ADHD my self
I don't have friends where I live. No one to vent to.

I'm so exhausted my body aches. My speech is slured. When I call my mum (she's interstate) she said I sound awful. She can hardly understand me.

Juggling a house, bills, work, a child, appointments and just day to day life is a lot I'm noticing for one person to do.

I don't know how to keep going. I just don't. I'm so angry so frustrated. I don't think I want to keep going.
I'm always snapping at my child. I'm a B****. And I hate it. I hate who I've become.
I have no life. I cook clean and go to work. That's it. My child is starting to hate me.
I'm hoping her new psychologist can help us.
Can I keep going? Is it possible?
How do I find an outlet? A hobbies? Something for me? How do I start to shine again and no be such a fake, awful person.
I use to run. Boy I loved to run. But now with the pain of my hips and all these different hormones my OBGYN is trialling I can't seem to manage it any more.
Because right now I can't even see into the next hour.
I go into the office and every one says to me, you are looking so nice today. You look beautiful today. I love what you are wearing. Boy you look happy today
Because of my mask no one has any idea. And I sit at my desk and my mind takes over.
I go to bed and hope some nights I don't wake up.
I feel like I am ruining my child's childhood. I'm robbing her of so much for being so tired. I feel like she deserves so much more than what I am giving her.