So my husband had what I would call an emotional affair. He has been calling and texting a female work colleague for about a month, which escalated to VERY inappropriate conversations. Lines were definitely crossed, including them saying how hot the other is, how they’d like to do this and that to them, asking for nudes (unsure if actually sent), 40min conversations at 2am etc etc.
I only found out because I was suspicious of his behavior - hiding his phone etc and managed to grab it and read a few messages. I kept this to myself for a few days, mostly in shock to be honest. Then confronted him. He had deleted all messages and at first denied anything inappropriate until I said I’d seen some so I already knew. Then he told me “everything” and swears back and blue that nothing physical ever happened and never would have, that it was just feel-good flirting and he would never cross “that” line. He is apologetic and wants to remain married, and has cut all contact with the other girl (apparently).
I am still shocked and bewildered to be honest.
This was completely out of character for him, we have been together 25 years, married for 11, and we have two kids, and I’ve never once even been slightly suspicious or jealous.
I feel like he’s now this whole new person that I don’t know. Like he is “tainted” and has tainted our relationship. I’m not happy at all and can’t sleep at all.
He has offered to go to counseling, but I feel like there hasn't been enough of a fall out to reflect what I’m actually feeling. It’s like we’re pretending things are normal. I often cry at really unexpected times when I’m alone.
I hate that he’s done this, I have flashes of him hiding in the bathroom on the phone to her, or texting her and lying to me and I’m just not ok with any of it.
Would you leave because of an emotional affair?
Would you leave because of an emotional affair?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
8 Replies
Simply, yes. Trust is lost and can never be fixed.
He cheated on you!!! It does not matter whether he actually performed the sexual act. I think if you had not of caught him that's exactly what would have happened. He's also already screwed her mentally many times. He has broken your trust and there is no way you have to pretend everything is okay or normal. Is there somewhere you can go for a few days to get some space from this e.g. parents. I feel like he will be constantly in your ear trying to convince you it was nothing and wearing you down...
Those kinds of messages aren't an emotional affair. It's a lead in for a physical one. He's obviously looking for one and those convos were trying to get it. If he hasn't already cheated, he will. People don't send messages like those without intent.
My friend has gone through a similar situation as you. He lied to her face & went to counselling for years to keep her happy. It was only by chance he got caught physically cheating recently (10 years on) and it came out that it was multiple women on a single solo trip. She is shocked because she trusted him. I believe he's been cheating all along.
The trust is gone in your relationship. Take some time out to process before making your decision. But do not believe he won't do it again. He'll just be more careful.
Yes this is a form of cheating.
Does it mean your relationship is over? Not necessarily. There is no excuse for cheating, but it can also lead to a stronger relationship.
In my case. With 5kids involved, we chose to fight and seek help to find where things went wrong. We discovered a lot about ourselves and each other. I don't excuse my partners need to dip himself in another woman, he made a shocking selfish chose to cheat, instead of talking to me about me emotionally shutting him out after having our last daughter, he sort comfort in some one else. But in the end, we found out why things broke down, and learned how to communicate and support each other. In my case, his affair, saved us. Still not excuse for it though.
That's not an emotional affair. It's crossed the line. I wouldn't view my relationship the same way. I'd never trust him properly again and would only be half happy if I stayed. I'd be miserable breaking up my family too though. He was really selfish and I'm sorry you are going through this ☹️
Yes. Because he’s out. What he physically did, or how far he went this time, is beside the point. What he did was went outside the marriage and went behind your back and hooked up with someone else and gave them something that should only be inside your marriage; and someone can either do that, or not.
And if he can do it, he’ll do it again.
Lesson learned the hard way.
So from now on, yes, he’d be out the door. Done and save yourself the heartache of going through this. What he’s done is enough and he well-knew it when he was doing it.
They work together. He hasn't stopped contact. He's just moved to snapchat.
Cheating is cheating.
From the other side....I was your husband. I did this same thing after being with my now ex husband for 17 years.
I always despised people who cheated.
I remember sending these messages, and thinking, why am I doing this, do I hate my husband? Then when he went onto my computer and found out, I was terrified, I didn't want him to leave, I didn't want us to be over. It was a horrible few days, weeks, months, but we couldn't get past it and split. He stayed in the house for another few months until his work took him to another state, I couldn't stand him being there, and once he was gone it took me a while, but I realised I just didn't love him anymore, and I had been so unhappy for such a long time but I kept telling myself it was just a phase, I'd get over it and I'd be happy again, I'm just stressed out. But no, I had fallen out of love quite a while ago and I wasn't attracted to him, I could finally see it all. We were just room mates at this point.
All those things about him that I couldn't stand anymore, were all things I just looked past while we were married.
I have to live with what I did, and I tell you what I lost over 30kgs in 2 months while it was happening because I felt so guilty. It's not a feeling I ever want again, and I learned my lesson to listen to how I'm actually feeling.
None of this may be the case for you and your partner, but all I'm trying to say is, even if you could get past it - and its such a betrayal, there's no respect for your partner when you do something like that to them - can he get past it? Is he done and this is his subconscious telling him so?