I have a box full of photos and as my kids are now adults I would like to give them some. There are photos of my ex with the kids. He was abusive and was a monster behind closed doors but the nicest guy out if you were looking in from the outside. I promoted this as well because I was so ashamed of what was really going on, I hid it well which didn't do me any favours when we finally split and he told everyone I was the crazy one. Due to the stress I was under he was believed by most people which made my recovery so much harder, having no one to confide in. Now I see these photos of him portraying the perfect Dad, photos I took myself, and it makes me feel sick. It is such a lie. It was also back when film had to be developed so he would yell at me whenever I spent money on film or developing, while he freely spent on smokes, alcohol and pot. I want to throw the photos away, they just represent so much fakeness that went on to drive me to an extremely low point. But then I think of my kids and I don't want to be seen as petty. I have zero photos of myself with my kids when they were younger because selfies weren't a thing and he never took any of me with them. What do you do with photos of your ex if he was abusive?
24 Replies
You may not have photos as he does but that’s because you were present. Memories mean more and your kids know who was there. Kids are smarter and more resilient than we give them credit for. They may see a photo of them with dad but very well could associate it with all the times he wasn’t available or the kind of parent you are. Kids need the parent that is stable and consistent. They see the parent that was the “fun” parent and it means nothing if they weren’t active or a positive role model. Let them have the pictures… you certainly don’t need the pictures that were taken in what really is a traumatic time.
Put them in the bin. Giving them photos is his job as a father, it’s not yours. The sooner you make that break completely and stop thinking you’re doing it for the kids. Giving them photos of an abusive man at an abusive time is not a gift.
Best comment . So sick of the bleeding heart comments all thru IM to 'do it for the kids'.
How about NO. Let the men run about doing shit for 'their' kids. Why should mum always be responsible.
Bleeding heart mother's that prioritise their kids over all else, including their own feelings, how dare they. Bleeding heart mother's whose love exceeds their hate for their ex, how can they sleep at night?
Yes, let the kids miss out because YOU chose to procreate with a douche. Don't do anything that isn't your responsibility, makw him do it, knowing he won't, just so you can prove to the kids what a douche you gave them as a father. Yeah, you really showed that ex, I'm sure he loses sleep at night knowing how hes failed his kids. Yes, you win, just becareful to not look at your kid's faces in your victory, it may bring down your mood.
My mother had this exact attitude. It sure made her feel vindicated but it came at our expense...
I'm sorry you went through that x
I've always hated the "it's not my job mentality", even in the workplace.
Ugh , the bleeders are back. Stop trying to smooth the slate for your kids with asshole fathers, or its you 'fix - it mums' who the kids will turn against for not protecting their best interests.. Its not forever. Let them choose when they're young adults, not as children. I speak from experience.
Alright, mate. You stay angry at all the bleeding hearts and deadbeat dads, that bitterness is super healthy 🙄
OP - may I suggest tackling this with a bit more emotional maturity lol. You're in possession of the photos, your kids are adults. Asking the kids if they want them is probably the most reasonable thing to do.
My brother and I are no contact with our mother, a relative recently asked us if we'd like to have our mother's wedding album and a bunch of childhood photos of her. I decided to keep them purely to preserve a bit of family history, even though I have absolutely no attachment to them. My brother decided that he didn't want any.
This relative was going to throw them out if we didn't want them but I really appreciated her giving us the choice first.
You speak from hate.
You're still bitter and twisted about your break up and the kids are paying for that.
Maybe your break up is fresh, we were all like that for a while until time and distance gave us clarity, hope you see the light soon.
It's not smoothing the slate, it's filling the gap of the deficits in the other parent to minimise the emotional damage to our kids.
For once put the needs of others above your own.
Oh and to this comment, I'm 51 years old. I'm not talking about my own break up. I've been with my husband for 20 years, I'm talking about my own parents lol. Go you for assuming .
You've answered here as an adult. Mate. Don't ask children if they want pics of a pig , are you for real? Father or not, why get the kids involved? . Wait til they're older. Clearly in your case you were older and supposedly more informed to make your own decisions.
So too, with kids ince theif no longer kids.
My point was proven in your own response.
Know the difference too, between advice and anger. Seems you may still carry a childhood mentality.
Mate.
Once they're *
I don't know what you're trying to say or what your actual point is?!? You can "edit" your comment. No one here is advocating involving children in adult problems, actually quite the opposite. You can't seem to comprehend our point.
We answered the post based on the children being adults, noone said to give them to kids...
I agree that adult kids should be given this option .. Not under 18s. Just seems like that part in the OPs post had been missed. Happens.
Drawing strict boundaries is definitely not bitter, and not unhealthy. It’s the opposite actually. It’s not healthy for you people to think she has role and to pile on telling her she does. OP - seek counselling; not Internet weirdos that don’t know what they’re talking about. Your psychologist would help you work out what you should do with these photos (and anything else to do with him) in no time.
I can't do, not my circus, not my monkeys when it's my own kids and Im partly responsible for the circus.
Ok, well if you’re dealing with an abusive other parent - seek help. If you’re not, don’t comment on something you don’t know about.
I think the fair thing to do is ask your kids if they want the pictures. These photographs are a piece of their history, even though it's painful history old film photos aren't replacable once they're gone so I feel like they deserve the opportunity to make that choice for themselves.
Ones of ex on his own, I would toss but I couldn't physically throw out a photo with my child in it, especially from their childhood.
I’ve kept all the photos because it’s part of my children’s history. They deserve to see that mum and dad were happy together once upon a time. They’re packed away, but still there if they want to have a look.
OP, given your children are now adults, give the photos to them and tell them to do what they want with them. If they choose to toss them, then that is their choice.
OP waited until her kids were adults. She did the right thing and didn't burden their little minds as kids or teens before they're fully ready to understand the relationship between their parents
Have a little ceremony, say I release you as you rip each picture up into tiny pieces and then burn them 🤣
This is what I would like to do. Instead I have put them in a dark shoebox in the depressing corner of the shed and one day will hand it to the kids if they even want them. I am only doing it for my kids, he was an abusive ahole too. But they are certainly not getting dedicated a special place in my home or even in a cupboard. Screw that.