My partner enjoys going to a certain pub. He use to be there 6/7 days a week and half the time he’s write himself off and drive home.
Over the years a few negative things have happened there that has caused MAJOR issues within our relationship. These are around the types of people there, his mental health and the effects of alcohol and his mentality when he’s there.
We broke up 8 months ago but when we got back together I asked that he no longer went there and he agreed in a heartbeat and insisted we work us out.
Fast forward and he was there tonight after work with work friends. This is about the 5th time since agreeing he wouldn’t.
I’ve lost it (I have the other times too) and told him I’m done, I feel disrespected etc. He said he doesn’t go all the time and I will never stop him from going if he wants to go and that I’m a head case and controlling.
I bend over backwards at every request for this man, I love him so damn much but he will treat me like rubbish half the time.
I refuse to go back to that situation we were in when he was there daily nor do we need the drama that comes with it.
I feel being ok with him going occasionally will just lead to him back there all the time again.
I thought I was putting in boundaries but am I being controlling?
Is it ok he goes once a month or so?
What do you do when your boundaries have been crossed like this? Are they even acceptable boundaries?
Is enough, enough and it’s time for me to walk?
He’s absolutely an avoidant personality type so talking is incredibly difficult.
8 Replies
People often misunderstand what it means to implement boundaries. Sometimes that means that the line between boundaries and control are very blurred! Boundaries are not telling another person what they can or can't do, they are about drawing a line for yourself personally.
To explain.
Example A. "You can't go to the pub anymore because it triggers me and if you want to be in a relationship with me that's the rule".
That is control. That is not healthy dynamic in a relationship and it will create pushback eventually, resentment will build because the person who's had these "boundaries" imposed on them will feel controlled.
Example B. "I'm willing to give this relationship another go but I do need to know that I am out if you choose to fall back into old habits at the pub because it had a really negative impact on our relationship and i can't go through that again".
That is setting a personal boundary. That is clearly communicating your line in the sand but he's still free do do as he pleases, it just means there's a consequence
I know that sounds like semantics but this is really about knowing what you can tolerate rather than stopping him from doing something destructive.
I think these are really reasonable expectations, but he is not the right guy for you. Time to call it quits on this relationship.
You are not being controlling. HE agreed after HIS choices, behaviour and lack of personal boundaries and care for you and your relationship (and care for kids) led you to have to make a rule which he has now decided to break. You got back together which was a mistake (which is fine as that’s how we learn) as he now thinks he can be on good behaviour for a while and then slide back and you’ll stay. Accept that but don’t make the same mistake again or you’ll wake up at 50, 60 etc wondering what happened. Don’t waste any more of your life on a guy that doesn’t respect you. There’s good men out there so cut your losses and kick him to the curb
No you are not being controlling. What he is doing is dangerous and he could himself but more likely he will kill an innocent person.
The conditions of you getting back together have been broken. I would leave, as it doesn't sound like he wants to change
I see what he's saying - tbh it is controlling and super unhealthy in a relationship. Boundaries aren't about telling the other person what they can and can't do with the threat of if you don't listen to me ill leave, sorry but that's 100% control. It sounds like you have a bit of trauma from your relationship with him surrounding his drinking behaviour - I would look into some sort of therapy or personal healing journey to undertake to work on your past trauma- that puts you in a healthier place in life as a whole and then you'll be able to implement healthy Boundaries in your relationship.
Food for thought - if the man in your life said you aren't allowed to go hang out with your best friend or wear the colour red because it triggers him and if you do he'll leave you. Everyone will be saying you're in a controlling dv situation.
If in doubt always flip it round to yourself and see how you would feel if it was said to you.
I would say reading this that the issues go beyond the pub. It sounds to me like you love him. I would seek professional help, and see where it leads. ❤️
Wow I could have written this. Alcoholics won't ever stop until they find their why, unfortunately. The nightly abuse, eggshells, the smell and not being able to have a decent conversation is now my norm. If I wasn't so famn gutless I would have left already.
Go. And stay away. We can do better. We will always come second to alcohol.
You have expectations due to his past behaviour and that’s perfectly fine. You say he treats you like rubbish half the time. Girl run! Sounds like he deflects onto you!