Fibromyalgia and CSA + CA

Trigger warning ⛔️

Hey guys, I have been in so much pain all over my body especially my mid back around my ribs, bloating, I feel like I have been severely beaten on a daily basis. I had endometriosis and Adenomyosis which was so bad I had to get a hysterectomy at 34 years old. I haven’t dealt with this loss and very numb to it when I think about it. I wanted more children, 1 more. I am blessed, I had the opportunity to have 3 beautiful boys. I mean it when I say the only pain relief that helps is Endone. I am so over it, im constantly sick, in pain, and bed ridden. Anxiety is through the roof and on top of all this im having severe flashbacks to my childhood of memories I wasn’t even aware of. It feels real, I can feel it, smell it, see the surroundings like it’s all happening again. I have had a near death experience at four years old, I was suffocated, I have been drowned in the bath repeatedly, I have been raped by my step father 5 years old and im sure there has been more times that I can’t remember. I have been suffocated at 4 with a pillow, and I remember hearing my Nan who has passed telling me what to do, she said when my mum lifts the pillow you need to jump off the bed and run as fast as you can to the next door neighbours, I did and I believe if I didn’t have my Nan there in spirit telling me what to do I would have died that day. I have been thrown down the stairs. My mum and step dad made me watch porn from 3years old and upwards. They would have sex in the bed beside me. I ran away from home at 13 and was drugged and gang raped by 10 men on a school oval, I was also imprisoned for 3 weeks being raped by a 27 year old and his uncle, I escaped, the police came to the school to ask me about it as it has been captured on camera but I said it wasn’t me cause they threatened to kill my family. now at 35 more memories are trying to come up, I’m in pain, I’m scared, I just don’t think I can live like this anymore. My soul is sooo tired. I don’t even know what I’m asking, I have no support. I just want to go home, if this is my life then god should take me back home cause there is no way I’m taking myself there. It’s one thing to experience emotional pain but a whole other ball game to experience physical pain. I can’t stand, sit, lay down, take a bath, no where is comfortable. I don’t even know who I am anymore. A burden is what I feel I am. I messed up human with no quality of life. I’m sick of being there for everyone else and when I need someone no one is anywhere to be found. I need help before my body shuts down. There is only so much more I can take. Thank you for listening