I am in one of the most painful situations, I am no longer “in love” or attracted to my husband but I still care for him & still enjoy his company but on a friendship level.
We’ve been together over 20 years & have 2 children and have built a lovely life for most of those years however my feelings started changing a number of years ago and I just haven’t been able to get those feelings or the spark back again despite trying everything possible (counselling, date nights, time away together…etc) I just don’t feel sexually attracted to him. However I haven’t lost my desire or the want/thoughts for sex, just unfortunately not with him. Whenever he tries to initiate intimacy it turns me off terribly. He is a good guy & a great dad but I just don’t feel that romantic connection with him any longer.
I am so devastated this has happened and I am so afraid of breaking up an otherwise happy family. I am continually putting my happiness & feelings aside to save my husband & children any pain but I don’t know how much longer I can sustain that for.
I know it will destroy my husband if I leave but it’s slowly destroying me by staying too. I don’t even know if I could do it on my own as a single parent or even want to do it on my own, I just know I’m desperately yearning for a beautiful attraction & connection with someone. I just wanted to know if anyone has been in this situation before and how did you make what feels an impossible & heartbreaking decision to leave.
Help! I’m not in love or attracted to my husband anymore.
Help! I’m not in love or attracted to my husband anymore.
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
9 Replies
Yes, this was me 18 months ago after 21 years of marriage. I could have written this post, my situation was almost identical. Three kids (teens/tween) beautiful home, dad who is very hands on, seemingly happy family life. But I was slowly dying on the inside. No attraction whatsoever to my husband, sex with him made my skin crawl, yet I desired to experience it with another person (no 3rd party involved, just an overwhelming feeling that he wasn’t “my person) It wasn’t just sex but lots of other mental health issues at his end that were not improving. We were together since I was 19, we moved to rural Victoria after uni, never travelled the world like I should have been doing, had first baby at 25 and life just went on. But life also changes.
I had a really “off” feeling for many years and it was eating me alive. I was fearful of breaking up my family and worried how I’d cope on my own, worried about what other people would think. We had counselling and he knew I was unsettled. Long story short, I just knew I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life with this person. It was suffocating. I chose myself and my happiness over upsetting others such as extended family.
So in January 2022, before the new school year started, I told him I didn’t want to be married anymore and wanted to separate. It was a most unpleasant experience but I don’t regret my decision whatsoever. We talked lots and had an amicable arrangement with “nesting” so we could manage the kids. I got a higher paying job, sold the family home, started dating and having some new experiences and just finding my feet. The kids are OK but it’s certainly not easy. I take things a day at a time, we’re going through all the legal separation stuff now, I’ve moved pretty quickly to get this sorted. I’m renting for now and that’s OK. I’m going to do the travel I’ve always wanted and I’m learning so much about myself and how capable and strong I really am. I know I’ll be OK.
You need to think long and hard about what you want your life to be. Go and talk it through with a counsellor, be very open with your conversations and thoughts and navigate your way through the best you can. I know the decision was right for me. All the best x
Thank you so much for your honest reply & experience, I appreciate it so much. Sounds like a very identical situations/feelings. Mine is the same no 3rd party involved but the overwhelming feelings & thoughts that are eating me alive. And yes it’s not just the sex situation there are other layers the demise in my feelings. It’s just an enormous weight knowing that following my own happiness will hurt others. But thankyou for your words of kindness.
I feel guilty every single day for lots of reasons but I have to move past that. I feel sad we’re not a family unit anymore, my eldest son is at uni and lives with his dad, the younger 2 are with me. So I miss my eldest but he’s an adult now and probably would have moved out of home anyway. I feel guilty that we are both starting again and my ex has certainly made his feelings known about that which makes it worse. But what would be really worse if I didn’t say anything was how poorly my mental health would be, emotionally, physically, everything. Every day I wake up and tell myself that things are going to be OK. I started writing a journal a few months back and it has been incredibly helpful just to write shit down and get my thoughts on a page. Some days I write lots, other days not much but my headspace is much clearer.
I’m enjoying having my own place, I manage my own money, I work very hard to keep things amicable, I’ve kissed a couple of toads and learning more about what I accept and what I walk away from. I’m taking myself up to Noosa next weekend for a few days by myself in the sun, all part of learning that it’s OK to be on my own. I have a few friends who are completely miserable in their marriages but they don’t want to leave their cashed up husbands and mega mansions. I’m much happier in my tiny little weatherboard house, my rules, my decisions, and knowing that I won’t get into my 50’s and 60’s carrying a huge weight of regret (I’m 45).
All the very best, you are much stronger than you think.
All of this resonates so much with me on those feelings of guilt, they are all the types of things that go through my mind as well. I am the same age too & I think the older I get the stronger these feelings are becoming & I’m worried of reaching my 50’s & 60’s still feeling stuck where I am.
You are so right though, continuing to stay & not speak up causes so much distress to your own mental & emotional health. I wake up each day with such a sadness in me & I shed a lot of tears because of the torture of it all. It’s interesting we think those things (money, beautiful home, etc) may be enough to stay but at the end of the day I think I’d be happier in a little home of my own being free from these feelings & my kids seeing a happier mum. Thank you so much for your lovely words x
I 100% believe love is a choice
You chose to think outside the marriage or chose to think inside the marriage
I feel you want to think outside of the marriage by your post (no judgement but lets be honest)
If you chose to think inside the marriage you could do the travel and holidays with your best friend
I made vows
In sickness, in health, in good times and in bad, I chose him because that ditsy in love feeling will always dwindle and you’ll find yourself in a similar situation again and again
And a best friend is everything
It sounds utterly heartbreaking and I’m so sorry this has happened to you both but, like someone else said, you already know the answer. It’s not healthy for you or him for you to keep benching your reality. He must sense it in many ways too. Do yourself both a favour and do the hard but brave thing. It sucks and it’s unfair it happened to you both but it has. Maybe you’re meant to both move on and find better?!
Oh my goodness
This is me!
We’ve been married for 16 years but together for 26 years.
We have 4 children
I haven’t wanted to be with him intimately for 11 years.
The thought of even kissing him makes me feel uneasy
We haven’t slept in the same bed in many years.
He now works away and is back every few weeks
The thing is it’s not even really a friendship at this stage
Just 2 people who are parents together.
We are such very different people and apart from the kids have nothing in common
When he’s here I feel uncomfortable and guilty for not showing my kids what a beautiful relationship and marriage look like.
He knows how I feel but has the hope that things will change. They won’t.
Initially I kept it going for the kids but in hindsight it would have been better to let it go while they were younger (my Mum did the same thing 😐) and now I feel stuck.
I’m sending love to all of you going through this situation.
It’s tricky and hurts your heart big time.
I left my husband of 16 years last year, there were other circumstances involved as well, anger and he hadn’t touched me in around 4 years. The kids had even picked up on things including one child saying ‘mum you need to divorce dad’
I can tell you from my prospective the grass isn’t greener on the other side in regards intimacy although I’m holding myself back a lot due to my own confidence however our home life is a lot happier.
I still care for my ex but I’m no longer in love with him, we work great as coparents. The separation has been extremely hard on him because he felt like it came out of nowhere, he has now finally sort help for his issues.
Thank you to everyone who has replied here & on Facebook. I appreciate you sharing all your advice & experiences.
I would like to add for the comments of you choose to love. I have been choosing to love, I am not neglecting him or constantly rejecting him, I still care immensely & treat him with kindness. It’s my inner feelings & that is what is eating me alive & causing me so much pain.
Yes 100% I am not always willing to be intimate with him due to me feeling this way, so yes I am rejecting him at times but more often than not when he does initiate it I have gone along with it which is a completely unhealthy for me to engage in sexual activity that I am not into.
He is a good guy & yes having a friend who you share your life with is important but I’m missing & yearning that passion that I hear others talk about that they still feel for their husbands & unfortunately I don’t feel that. I’m not even sure what it is that I find attractive/sexy, I just know it when I feel it.
I’m very aware of the whole peri menopause stage but I’ve had all that checked & everything is as “normal” I haven’t lost my desire (that is infact well & truly intact)
I would never cheat, just the thoughts alone are enough for me to feel absolutely terrible & broken. But I can’t help that I yearn to experience that passion, deep attraction & connection with someone that just isn’t there with my husband.
I have definitely tried to talk to him & express how I feel with kindness & care, hence counselling & trying new things to re-spark something but at the end of the day it’s very hard to tell someone you’re not into them sexually anymore.
I guess it’s a decision of how important the sexual side of a relationship is for me & do I continue to stay for all the other good reasons & forgo the sexual side which would mean rejecting him in that area or I continue to engage in intimacy against my will as to not reject him.
Reading all your responses has definitely given me a lot to think about & consider from a different perspective. Thank you.