My brother is my dads carer and gets paid from Centrelink to look after him, but he doesn’t care for him. The occasional taking him to get his meds, or a quick shop, only to find out that he is also asking my dad every fortnight to borrow money of my dad. I’m at a loss on what to do as my brother and I don’t talk as he is hiding from my sister and myself. I want to dob him in with Centrelink but I feel a little bit of guilt if I do that, but I know it’s the right thing to do as he has no right to be taking money from my dad.
13 Replies
You might need to find out what the full story is. If your brother is doing his shopping and buying meds, paying bills then its ok to ask him for money.
If he's hiding and you don't see him, how do you know what care he is providing?
Do you see your dad often?
If you dob him in, can you take over care?
Be careful what you wish for, your dad might end up with no-one if you don't step up.
Is your dad cognitively okay?
Basically, if your dad hasn't lost his marbles (isn't legally incompetent), he is allowed to give his son money whenever he pleases.
We get told by our father that his son does not look after him in the way a son/carer should. My sister has Power of Attorney and we try our best to make food for dad, pay his bills and take him to appointments. I had to stop working 7 years ago as I am not well with a lot of health issues and the only way I can help my dad is doing weekly shops for him. My sister and I have begged and pleaded with dad to live with one off us, but he refuses as he believes his son will look after him. We are of Macedonian parents and dad is set in his ways that the son is the golden child that would carry his surname. Our brother does not work and has found himself a not nice girlfriend, they have been together since last year October and he moved in with her in November last year. Our brother stopped talking to us in May this year only to find out by our father that he has been trying to convince our dad to sell his property so dad can buy a farm for him, as our brother has said why should he wait for dad to pass and then receive his inheritance? This is so wrong off our brother to try and convince dad to help him now. As I said our brother does not work I honestly can’t remember the last time he has ever worked. We have bailed our brother out a thousand times over with always being asked can I scum some money of us but we have never seen a cent of the thousands of dollars we have given him. We have supported him his wholesale life until I said no more bailing him out. I hope this makes some sense. Basically our brother does not work, he gets paid to be dads carer and has stated that he lives with dad, but will only see him one a week. It is so wrong to be asking our dad for money out of dad’s pension every fortnight because he needs to support his girlfriend and her kids. So yes he is hiding from us as we won’t allow dad to sell his property to buy our low life brother a farm.
What if your dads carers allowance gets cut because he’s in on it. What if the help your brothers providing is the only help your dads getting. What if you have to prosecute your brother for elder abuse or afinancial crime? Just think it through. Should you get involved or not? How much does your dad need/ want you to interfere?
You're actually talking about elder abuse. But, that is usually when money or assets are stolen from a vulnerable older person, or proper care not given, leaving the person without security or the proper hygiene or care.
It could be that your dad gives your brother money because he is grateful he's being cared for. A carer's allowance is rubbish money.
If you do have real concerns and your dad isn't properly cared for, then it's a police matter. But be prepared to step up and take over because caring is an all consuming, difficult task.
It is Elder abuse, my sister and I have begged and pleaded with dad to move in with one of us but he doesn’t want too as that’s been his home with mum for over 37 years. Mum passed a few years ago and up to her last day she regretted that she didn’t kick our brother out as he was horrendous with them and the neighbours. Police were called a couple of times by my sister and my mum, but mum caved in and didn’t press charges. We can do so with my sister to help our dad. Our brother is hiding from us as we were told by our dad that he was asked to sell the house to buy our brother a farm our father is 79 years old and he is starting to be a bit forgetful. My sister has Power of Attorney and spoke to dad again on Friday for him to move in with her and he said he will think about it. The thinking part has been a few years now and I honestly don’t think dad will move in with her. We can’t be with dad 24/7. Our brother gets paid, but every fortnight he will as dad for money from dad’s pension and take him to the bank to pull out money so he can support his girlfriend and her kids. Our brother doesn’t work and hasn’t for so many years.
It’s shit because if your dad favours him and wants to give his money (even if he doesn’t want to, but he chooses to) then that’s on your dad to toughen up. If dad won’t give up the house I hope he won’t sell for a farm. try to meet him with an option he does like. Ie) what if he keeps the house but pays for a cleaner, gardener, and various accessories/ cameras for you to communicate. Show him how doordash works for a place that makes healthy home cooked meals. Something he’s on board with, so he chooses to say no to your brother. Or at least realises what your brother is taking from him.
I'm the poster of this first comment. Your further explanation shows the situation is definitely very concerning & your brother is definitely using the situation to his advantage. But, you can't do anything if he won't listen.
If your sister has invoked POA she might be able to stop your father selling his property. But that will come with consequences.
There could also be financial implications if a pensioner sells his house and gifts the new property to his son, or even keeps it in his name. It also has both pension and aged care home entry (if needed) implications. You'll need to check this. It's complex.
Start providing the care he isn't so you can see where the gaps are. Decide if it's worth the CL pay to do the job yourself. Or get him removed as a carer and pay a third party business to do it.
Without any proof of negligence, all you're doing is whingeing about your brother borrowing money?
My sister has proof of negligence, but is not willing to use it as our father as she is afraid of opening Pandora’s box. As I have stated earlier no matter what hurtful things our brother does to our father, he will always put our brother first no matter what good we do for our father. I am not whinging about my brother borrowing money, what is so concerning is that every fortnight he will take our dad to the bank and tell dad he needs money, so our brother gets a good amount of money from CL, and then take a few hundred of dad so my brother can support his girlfriend and her kids. How is that whining?
I would be talking to your father if he still has mental capacity because really this is his decision. If your dad is happy with the current arrangement do not cause him further distress. That would be my sole focus if I were in your position. What if your brother were no longer able to help him at all... are yourself and your sister able to provide the assistance he needs?
We do provide assistance for our dad, we have tried to talk to him to allow us to organise extra help from hiring cleaners, someone to cut the grass and organise weekly meals but he won’t hear of it. So we are at a loss, we are doing the best we can. My brother in law went past to see my dad not long ago and my brother had walked in and they said hi and all of that, and in conversation he said to my brother in law I’m just bringing dad some food. Well that food consisted of 1 pack of crumpets that’s it. Our dad use to eat meat, chicken as long as I could remember until my brother decided he wants to be a Vegan, therefore turning dad into a vegan, by yelling, screaming at him in eating meat. Dad is so afraid to eat meat if our brother is around. My brother is very toxic and manipulative and we do believe that sometimes he is afraid of him.
Eek that needs intervention. I would be ringing the elder abuse hotline and discussing your concerns.