I have been with my husband for 9 years (married 6) with 2 young kids.
I have always felt that our relationship has lacked desire and passion. We’ve always had irregular sex but is good enough when we would do it even if it is very vanilla.
We have lacked intimacy such as kissing, cuddling, holding hands for as long as I can remember. I would say our strongest assets has always been friendship. I am now wondering if that is enough. I have always felt like something was missing but after an abusive relationship I was happy just to have a nice guy.
We are currently trying therapy, I am a “burnt out Pursuer” and he is the “withdrawer”
I just feel done with our relationship after trying so hard for 18 months with no reciprocation. He is trying so hard now but I feel it is just too little too late. I cringe when he touches me or if I can tell he’s putting the moves on me.
How do I get past this feeling of “ick” when I cannot even look back on the desire or passion in the early days because it wasn’t there.
People say I should just be grateful. He is a wonderful Dad and we have a beautiful home that I do not want to lose but couldn’t afford to keep it by myself. I also want to be happy and set that example for my kids.
Any kind advice is very welcome!
How to fix it when desire/passion was never there
How to fix it when desire/passion was never there
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
4 Replies
Some women are addicted to the highs and lows of dysfunctional relationships and get bored when they are treated well and have a healthy relationship.
Some women fall into the arms of the next "nice guy" that comes along after an abusive relationship because they can't be alone. They don't do the work on themselves and rush in, it's not called a rebound for nothing. Then they use the nice guy like a pair of crutches and when they are strong and can walk again, guess what they want to do with the crutches?
And so the cycle continues throughout their lives, always seeking that "high".
I believe friendship is a great basis for a long-term relationship and love is a verb.
I would suggest individual therapy for yourself first to see if you can examine where you fit into the above scenarios and your reason for dissatisfaction.
But for the love of god, don't stay for the perks of the "nice guy" (house/parenting skills), he deserves so much better.
I'd take sex off the table for now, and learn non-sexual intimacy.
Hold hands walking around, snuggle on the couch, quick kiss on the cheek or forehead in the kitchen etc.
If you want a cuddle, take it. If he's sitting on the couch staring at his phone / tv, go sit on him.
Get back to appreciating him for who he is, and get over this slump.
This is what happens when you settle. If the desire wasn't there to start with my did you marry and have children with this man? This is a very common issue with women. We ignore the inner voice, and just put up with things we don't like until we just can't anymore. A certain amount of importance needs to be given to chemistry and sexual intimacy. Because if it's not there, then at some point it won't matter what else is because of the nature of the human mind and plain old curiosity. We choose poorly and wonder why we are dissatisfied. By accepting the lack of intimacy, you have given default permission for it to continue.
Sex is only a tiny part of a relationship
Fast forward
Do you want to be next to your best friend when the desire for sex might dwindle, what do you have left? It’s the what’s left you need to look at