Is leaving the house and living separate seen as breaking up? I’ll try and make this short. I moved to be with my partner. Uprooted my teenage daughter from her school her friends and family and her support network to be here. She isn’t happy. After six months she is miserable and wants to go back. I want to support her and take her back and live separately but he think she is spoilt brat and that this is me leaving him and breaking up. When we talk it goes round in circles he doesn’t understand my side. Am I being unreasonable or selfish? I was selfish moving her away, she tried we tried, she isn’t happy which in turn effects my happiness. I want to try and make it work and live separately but he is hell bent that me moving out is leaving and he won’t make the effort because it is too hard. I don’t know what to do and need some advice please
9 Replies
In general terms, I think we really need to normalise living separately in relationships!
So many people would be better off for it, because if we're being honest most issues that arise in relationships are a direct result of incompatible cohabitation.
We need to throw away those traditional expectations say we have to live together to be "together".
However... That needs to be a mutual decicion. This hasn't been decided upon mutually here, you've kinda made that decision alone.
I get it though, in your situation, your daughter is obviously going to come first. She at a really imperative stage in her life and your partner is very dismissive of her needs and the sacrifice she made for you and your partner to be able to live together in the first place. Frankly, I'm not sure I'd want to continue a relationship with someone who would throw that back in her face by calling her a spoilt brat when she's miserable as hell.
But I guess he is within his rights to end the relationship if you move back, not everyone wants to do the long distance thing and that's fair. He's also within his rights to want that typical live in relationship and draw that boundary with you.
So you guys are really at a stalemate. You probably just need to do what's in your best interests and go from there whatever that looks like
Leaving doesn't have to mean breaking up but I think in this situation it may be for the best. He is being unreasonable and not considering how you and your daughter feel. Apply that to every situation in your future together.
Why did you and your daughter move to be with him? Does he have children? Why didn’t he move in with you and your daughter? As another commenter said, it needs to be a joint discussion and decision, for both moving in together and living separately but staying together. Can you compromise and move together to live halfway between both areas, so your daughter is closer to friends and family?
Child trumps partner every time. Your child is your responsibility. Your man is not.
She's had no choice and has given it her best shot for you.
You and your partner have choices, and in hindsight moving wasn't the best choice. That's ok, but you have the power to make another choice and improve. If he doesn't value your daughter and your feelings/priorities, then he's not the man for you.
Whether you moved to him or not. He doesn't have your back, it's all about him. And that's a hard no from me.
Listen to your gut and make the best choice for you and your daughter. Don't make the choice with him in the considerations. If he got run over by a bus tomorrow, would you move?
I also agree with the other poster who said co-inhabiting should not be the defining indicator of a relationship. Even CL and the ATO recognise relationships that are carried out from two locations...
Look after your girl Mumma. She's your priority. Never choose the man.
Other posters have answered this well. All I can add is -
Why can't he move?
Why do you and your daughter have to make all the compromise? A true partner would consider alternatives, not refuse to see your side, and understand your relationship with your daughter, and her mental health, trump's his comfort. His reaction is all about him.
Think about that.
Yeah I can see his side, and yours. You might want to make it work still. He might see that, hey, we tried, if it doesn’t work then it doesn’t work, might as well break up. And you’ll be ok if that’s what he chooses, because on some level you know you’ve tried this and it’s not working. You’ll find something that does work.
How long were you together prior to moving?
Were you completely established with your daughter?
Is he trying to undermine independence?
Calling her a brat is immature, he should admire she gave up her network for your happiness.
Personally I would go back to your network before its too late.
So he's calling a child a spoiled brat for being miserable after you uprooted her whole life and took her away from her entire support system; and he's saying if you go back then it's over because he can't be bothered to make the effort?
Girl pack your shit and RUN.
This man is a selfish jerk and obviously thinks the entire universe revolves around him.
I would consider moving out AND moving away a break up.
Not everyone wants a long distance relationship.