I have a 5yo autistic/adhd daughter. She has started school this year, and I’m a single mum with 100% care. I work shift work and rely on family to help care for her whilst I’m working, aside from that I don’t get a break at all. I’m definitely on my way to burning out if I’m not already there. She has OT, speech and psychologist involved through ndis.
I can’t help but feel as though im failing at being her mum. I try my hardest to set boundaries without yelling and getting frustrated with her but it is getting increasingly difficult. Her behaviour at the moment is very challenging, a lot of hostility, and explosive reactions. I almost dread waking up most mornings as I know it will be another day of trying not to lose my s**t until bedtime. We have recently moved house and she is at that age where she has realised that her dad isn’t around which I think are contributing to her change in behaviour, but I don’t know how to help her. I feel like every single day I’m losing my fun loving kid and I don’t know how to get her back.
She had 2 really bad days with my family whilst I was working, they have put it down to the fact that I’m not towing the line in the parenting department and have excluded us from a family event this weekend. I’m so lost and feel so alone. Does anyone have any tips or advice please
This is a place where women from different backgrounds, cultures and beliefs come together to support one another judgement free.
2 Replies
1. Go easier on yourself. My ASD son is ten, and daughter (in a difficult phase) is seven, and I fail daily. But I'm here, and they are safe and loved and that's what matters.
2. Don't listen to judgement. People who don't live the parental responsibility, on top of trying to stay afloat financially, with little support, don't understand.
3. Your family are toxic leaving you out and putting you down. It's not on you - that's their failing.
The only thing that helped me stop both mine & my husband's parents from judging & telling us to smack / discipline hard as the only answer was education on his needs and how his brain works so he needs support to understand, not judgement and fear. I mean, they still judged but it was much better.
It did take a couple of years for my son's therapies to kick in (no behavioural issues, just social cues & noise etc.) but he manages quite well now & is great unless he has a bad day when it's more difficult to regulate his emotions.
Are your therapists helping you with behavioural support?? The Psychologist could definitely advise in this area and develop a Behaviour Support Plan which would give you guidance on triggers (may even be sensory, time of day etc.) and how to manage them. If you are not getting adequate support with this then they either step up or change your therapist. They can do way more than play therapy. Make sure all of your therapists are not treating NDIS like the easy bucks.
If the therapists are giving you things to try, please try them and remember it needs to be consistent change over time to make a difference.
You need to make your emotional regulation a priority as she will react to that. So start by recognising your own warning signs that you are becoming upset e.g. breathing, hot face, raised heart rate etc. As soon as you do, exit the situation until you are calm. Teach your daughter about pausing until you can both speak softly. If you cannot, then you are not calm. You would be a great candidate for coregulating and I hope to God that your therapists are taking you through this or else again... change therapists.
Hugs 💗 slow down, pause and breathe. You've got this x