My mum is coming to stay for a week (hasn’t seen her grandkids for a year or me for 6 months). My generous Husband has said yes to the wife of his good friend from uni to stay at the same time with us. Her son has been selected for a sport team and stays with his team at holiday accommodation and she wants to come to watch the games. I am really annoyed because my mum lives far away and time is so precious with her, I don’t want to have to worry about another adult in our home. He says it’s not a big deal, the lady can sleep in his office (limited space). He thinks it’s no extra work but it is for me.. clean sheets, towel, mattress to organise, being polite, making small talk etc. Making sure the house is clean and organised (it isn’t at the moment). I was so looking forward to the school holidays to have a few days before my mum arrives to clean up, make her room nice and relax a bit. Now I’m just stressed, annoyed at him for saying yes to another house guest without even asking me first.
He said he mentioned to his friend about my mum being here at the same time, asking if she minds!! What about if my mum or I mind sharing our space? Nope, didn’t cross his mind. I feel upset, resentful and just don’t want this to happen.
Am I being mean and unreasonable?
The flights are booked and apparently i don’t have a say at all. I have met this lady a few times years ago and she’s a nice person, it’s not personal and normally it would be ok. Just not at the same time as mum.
Any ideas on how to handle this?
Am I being unreasonable about not wanting extra house guest?
Am I being unreasonable about not wanting extra house guest?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
44 Replies
Book a hotel for you and your mum
I thought about this but then my kids would miss out on seeing their grand mother as much and I’d be driving back and forward to make sure they spend enough quality time together. Plus it’s an extra expense and mess for me as the kids would be home with their dad and me not there to organise everything.
It’s my home, why should I have to leave it to get to enjoy this time with my mum?
If someone told me their mum was visiting, I wouldn't stay, that's special family time.
I wonder if she knows?
Are you friends on FB?
Could you make a big announcement about how excited you are to have your mum coming, such a special time etc.
Hopefully she will be out all day at the event.
Yes she knows and her husband does too. I asked my husband why does she even want to stay with us and he said ‘ti save money’.
I definitely would not impose like that but none of them seem to see it that way.
My husband asked if ‘she minded’ that my mum would be here. He didn’t ask me if I mind??? He’d already said yes to them before telling me.
So annoying..
I understand, it's hard to relax when you have someone in your home you don't know well.
Plus you just want to spend time with your kids and mum.
Husband won't back down because it would be a difficult conversation to have, men are whimps at that kind of stuff.
Exactly.. he likes to be Mr Nice Guy and he is a very nice person but it feels like I’m not being put first. It’s not even a consideration that this is incredibly inconvenient for me. Makes me sad and resentful. No he probably won’t back down. I don’t see why she can’t stay at a cheap motel. It’s really rude in my opinion.
Not FB friends- hardly know her at all. It’s the mornings, showers, sleeping arrangements, sharing bathroom with my 3 kids, dinners etc. all of it is stressful. My husband will be working the entire time as well so it will be all on me.
No way, that's her Mum, family!
Tell your husband it's his guest and you don't have time, so he's looking after her. Making beds, entertaining, feeding her. Cleaning up after her. Remind him it's a partnership and he looks after his own guests.
Honestly, she's just looking for free accomodation so won't be around much anyway.
Sounds good in theory but he will ask me where everything is, I’ll have to clean all the extra spaces in preparation. I just don’t have the time or energy for this.
You need to look up weaponised incompetence.
It's where a person (usually a husband) deliberately fails or makes a task difficult - by asking stupid questions, getting it wrong, forgetting, having a tanty etc. so it's easier for you to do it yourself. Don't give in! Tell him he can set up her room the night before & clean up if he wants his office back, or explain why it's not done when she arrives. Point out he's not helping host your guest, so..... As long as you'll comply, he doesn't care. He'll take all the kudos and thanks, too.
Either way, be polite but don't go out of your way or change your routine to make her comfortable. Excuse yourself and say you've got your mum visiting and take your kids out. She's just a CF looking for free accommodation and doesn't give two hoots what you do anyway.
Interesting, I’ve never heard that term. I’ll look it up. What’s a CF by the way?
Problem is he won’t know where things are like sheets and blankets. I know I’ll be asked so that’s why I usually think ahead and do it all anyway.
Assume 'close friend'. Put a set of sheets and a towel on the desk in the study. It'll take 5 minutes. After that "you'll work out out honey".
Further to that. If he doesn't know where sheets and towels are kept there's shit seriously going wrong in the household. Time for some adulting 101. After mum goes home of course.
You won't have to feed the guest. The money she's saving could be used to feed herself.
If your husband doesn’t know we’re you keep your blankets and sheets. The house guest is only a symptom of your problems not the cause!
CF means cheeky f*cker. It's a tongue in cheek term on other forums I'm on for people who are a bit cheeky and take advantage of situations in their favour - like asking for free accomodation from people they barely know, even though she's been informed family are staying and can afford to pay for it.
Although close friend someone else mentioned sounds much nicer. I feel bad now and should have gone with that!!
Wesponised incompetence just means partners who fail deliberately or don't try because they don't want to be bothered & know you'll pick up the slack so why bother trying? I don't think it's a deliberate act most of the time, just becomes normal behaviour.... because it works.
I agree with put the sheets towels out for your husband to sort. If he complains he doesn't know how to make a bed then stand and instruct. Might be a pain but he'll learn!
He DOES know where sheets are, but see what happens when he acts like he doesn't? Literally weaponised incompetence! Demand better 🙄
There’s two sides. I get that your hubby is putting jobs on you while saying it’s not jobs. That’s irritating. If he invites her; he’s hosting her. On the other hand, he’s saving his mate hundreds on accommodation. And these kindnesses are what form connections and make the world go round. You’d hope someone would do the same for you too.
But you need to decide what you can cope with and draw your line. I understand completely because I had a distant friend message me to ask if I’m working school holidays or has them off, then asked if I’ll have her kids. I didn’t book holidays to look after other people’s kids! I get it!
If you know her, could you message her to touch base and say look the room is there but you won’t be much of a host as your mums visiting and you don’t get much time together and you have activities planned with her. Set it out clearly that you’re not going to be around, she’s can stay for cheap accom as your husband offered.
I get what you are saying but if I couldn’t t afford to stay in my own accommodation I wouldn’t go at all. Not all the parents are going. That’s why the team stays at their own motel. I would not expect someone to put me up for a week for free when they have their own life, kids, family staying. I guess my values are different.
I wouldn’t expect either, but when your husbands mate says “I have the spare room and it’s no bother at all” then hey why spend a thousand dollars. It’s not about their values, your husband made the offer and has even gone back and said ‘yep I’ve checked it, is this all ok with you’. Thats what they know. You need to communicate with her if that’s not the case, don’t embarrass her or blame her, that’s unfair.
No I won’t be trying to embarrass anyone or blame them. I just know I would never in a million years impose on someone when they have their mother staying at the same time. I would realise myself that this could be too much for the host and do my own thing.
No, not her fault at all and my husband would not have said any of this (he could’ve guessed and definitely would know had he asked me which he did not). He is totally at fault here but can’t see it sadly.
Plus we don’t have a second spare room - lucky to have one at all.
She is not staying in the spare room the first 2 nights before my mum arrives as I’ll still be getting it ready and not spending my precious time washing another set of bedding. We don’t have that many sheets and blankets to spare and I’m not buying more. - he can set up his messy office for her.
Not my arrangement so I’m not doing that part.
However, I’ll tell him this but the day before (or morning knowing him - last minute) he’ll ask me where the clean sheets, spare pillow and doona are located.
This is why I end up doing it all myself. I get tired from work and kids and go to bed early - no energy for last minute late at night washing sheets.
If you can’t cope with it, make the decision to cancel it. Contact her directly and just let her know it’s not a good time, if your husband won’t.
This poor women thinks she is welcome! What a shock she is in for! This isn’t her fault. She doesn’t know you resent her. Your husband has extended a welcoming offer. Nothing to do with values if she accepts a lovely offer!
Mum comes first! Try and find a way to accommodate both but if it can't happen the friend will have to find somewhere else. Mums should always come first! And I do understand it from both ways, I live rural and have to travel for medical appointments, even births, also sport etc. I also have interstate family that I don't see very often and they always need to come first. I would not want to stay with someone that had family visiting them, no way. Put your family first if you have to, the Mum should understand and there would be other parents that have to miss out.
Thanks for your reply. We really don’t have the space, a mattress in a messy office and sharing a bathroom with kids.
Unfortunately my husband said it’s too late to change anything and I have to deal with it, I am being unfriendly and not nice as they need the free accommodation. It’s really making my anxiety bad and I’ll have to take time off work to deal with this situation and all the cleaning. Not fun and has ruined my holidays before they’ve started.
Find her or her husband's phone number or Facebook and contact them directly explaining that you are sorry for the inconvenience but she simply cannot stay. You do not have to give any more detail than this. Keep it simple.
"hi ........, I apologise for the inconvenience this may cause you but we cannot host your stay. Kind regards, ............"
If you would like to add something more, just say 'due to unforseen circumstances' or 'for reasons I would rather not get into'
If they are decent people, they will understand. If they arnt, then you don't want them around you or your kids anyway.
Hope this helps 🙂
Thanks for the friendly advice, nice that some people have good suggestions on here.
Unfortunately I am too gutless to do that. I really wish I could. It would cause an argument with my husband and I don’t want that.
I’m sure his friends would be ok with a no, they asked if it was ok so it’s not their fault at all (although I wouldn’t do this to someone if they had their mum staying). My husband is the one at fault here not them. He shouldn’t have offered without asking me and if I said no he it’s not convenient he should respect that.
He doesn’t - that’s the problem.
I’m re-thinking this relationship tbh.
I don’t want to live in this way without being respected anymore
All the more reason to do this exact thing. If your husband tries to argue with you, walk away, go for a drive, anything that will remove yourself from the argument, for a few days if you have to, until he understands that this is non negotiable for you. Show him you will take action and stand up for yourself and your own feelings if he cannot. Don't let him walk all over you. You could even explain to this woman what you have explained to us, and her and her partner may pull your husband up on it.
There is no valid reason for your husband to argue with you if they would be okay with you saying no
I know exactly what he would think and say. He would be embarrassed that his wife is mean. He would think it’s not nice to not help them and save the cost of a motel and he already agreed so it would be going against what he said earlier. We stayed at their house (one time over 15 years ago before they had kids and we had a young child), therefore we ‘owe’ them.
It would cause them inconvenience of last minute having to cancel coming or find a motel.
It’s all about perception and other people.
Not about my feelings or making me anxious with the huge inconvenience.
Sadly, no simple answer but thanks for trying.
So yes, it’s right that you should be rethinking your relationship. He’s more concerned with how he looks to others than the stress of his partner and in his home. A simple no, plans have changed, sorry for the muck around is all it should take: he is the problem here.
Thanks, I appreciate your comment.
I think partners should be putting each other first. I don’t feel I am his top priority and this proves it.
Very disappointing and I may not be around for this to happen again.
He should have spoken about this with you before saying yes. I would be really annoyed if my husband did this. The only people we allow to stay without consulting the other is our adult kids.
Thanks, it’s good to know I’m not the only one. The issue is more the lack of communication and last minute thing as my plans were made based on my mum coming. This impacts on me in more ways than my husband and others realise.
I came home from a shitty day at work once, looking forward to having the house to myself for the weekend only to find my brother in law and his suit cases chilling in my lounge room.
I played gracious host (because it wasn't my BIL's fault that my hubby was an ass) but inside I was absolutely ropeable! I still get a bit salty thinking about it and this happened years ago 😂
I made it very clear to my hubby that it was the first and last time I would be so chilled about him offering up our shared space without at least mentioning it to me, because I wouldn't do that to him.
My issue is the lack of communication and consideration. I don't think your irritation is unwarranted at all!
Are you hoping that you’re unwanted guest is on this page and is reading this and they’ll text your husband and say. Thanks so much for the offer but I’ve found somewhere else to stay that weekend.
The reason they’re looking for free accomodation is because they’re spending so much on their children’s education. They’re probably robbing Peter to pay Paul. I personally don’t get why you’d spend 50-60k per year on an overly expensive education but that’s not my choice. Kids sports are important and no not every parent is going, however parents who wish to be there will try and be there for them, your husband extended the offer. Leave the linen in the office and tell him it’s there.
Ask him to hire a cleaner to come in and clean the bathrooms and floors etc. If your house is cluttered and messy that’s on both of you. You do sound overwhelmed but it is not this ladies fault. It’s your husbands fault for extending the offer. You both sound like you lack the ability to communicate effectively.
If I was this woman and I saw this post, if I was spiteful and resentful I’d be like “your wife obviously has a problem with me staying with you” attach screen shot after screen shot of this thread. Husband and you argue, he then tells you that your mother is not welcome in your house. That he doesn’t want her there. Big fight and everyone is upset. Especially you, as you say you’ve waited for over a year for this have known your mum was coming for a while now and you planned on cleaning like no tomorrow instead of doing it in a timely manner right before she got there and now someone else is coming 2 days earlier And you’re freaking out about how you’re gonna get it all cleaned and up to standard.
Strange take.
She has already said that this isn't the other woman's fault and has very clearly stated that she is upset with her husband.
If you're this other woman, just pay for your own accommodation if watching your child play a few games is that important to you. Or get one of the other parents who are going to film them for you.
OP very clearly does not want another guest in her house at this time and has very clearly and calmly expressed why. She should not be villainised because she has anxiety and feelings.
I’m definitely not the other woman in need of free accomodation. I’m heading away to accomodation I’ve booked for myself twice in the next month, nothing beyond my means and no kids in private school. I could not afford the $$ of private schooling tbh but I can afford my own accomodation.
Firstly, the mess is mostly my husband’s as he’s a hoarder and has started this big sorting out of tools and things into plastic boxes. He’s not finished the job, it’s a great idea, but he gets busy with work and doesn’t finish jobs.
So, it’s actually not all ‘on both of us’.
I said I have a clean organised when and that’s the spare room for my mum.
No not hoping she’ll read it at all.
I have communicated my feelings extremely clearly but thanks for the insult. Very mature on an advice site.
Don’t let anxiety cloud the reality.
The extra guest will be doing the sports things, make your self unavailable to the guest.
Put the sheets on the corner of the bed, let her sort her self.
She isn’t QC don’t stress about what she thinks of the house she is probably thankful she gets to support her child in the sport.
Here is a tip for someone who both sides of family are interstate, We work full time.
We know our visitors will arrive from Sep- May (thats our birthdays)
We have started this week pottering around getting house ready. Once its on top of, pick a room every week and focus on that room.
Keep kitchen and the room the front door is in tidy. If someone is coming, random box for bathroom, clear stuff into box in cupboard.
Cluttered mind is cluttered house.
One step at a time.
Say to hubby, can you get yard sorted please, we don’t want our guest to see the yard like that. Make him look at it from some else's view point.
Yes absolutely love the idea of cleaning as you go.. that was my plan for the spare room, all planned out by the days I have available (it gets used for other things so can’t do too far in advance). Other areas, not my property so can’t do the sorting for him or I would have by now.
Yard work has started - kids and I are helping too. Team effort as we all want to be outside more.
You actually can. You can chuck his shit into the boxes and have them moved out to the garage, and he can start over. You can tell him to prioritise finishing it or it all goes in the bin on bin day. You can chuck it all in his car. Start advertising it on Marketplace. He'll get the hint, or you'll at least be rid of it all.
Throwing out or selling items that belong to a partner or ex partner without their permission is illegal.
I’d be PISSED!!!! First of all, how dare he not speak to you about it first!!! And I’m like you, I don’t like people staying at my house! Period! It’s exhausting being fake/polite/constant tidying and cleaning/keeping the kids in line….. u can’t relax in your own home and it’s not ok. Like others have said, make him do all the work. Stand up for yourself and tell him HE is doing it all. Making up the room/bed etc. I know you said he’d just ask you anyway… well, start showing him where all the things are!!!! Sheets, towels, mattress. He is an adult, he should know how to do all that. Seems to me you’ve done it all yourself this whole time. Time to take a stand and show him how to be an adult.
Nope, sorry! He can go tell her she can't stay!