I’m not ok.
I did everything right, 15 years ago I left DV relationship. Believing my son needed his father I encouraged the relationship, every phone call, booking every interstate flight for school holiday visits even though each bone in my body didn’t want too I made sure he had a relationship. I was the one.
I spent 15 years pretending he was a good man for our son, defending him year after year when birthday cards never arrived.
I raised him, I provided for him, guided him, cared for him when sick, taught him right from wrong.
Now at 16, he tells him I’m crazy, a lier, a horrible mother and convinced him to leave, move interstate to live with him and alienate me.
It’s been 5 months, his father ignores the lawyers letters, refusing to acknowledge the joint parental responsibility, approaching the school and asking them to give no information.
My son, now willingly withholds all from me, talks to other family members except for me.
“So called” extended family visit him, don’t tell me, they take photos…. I find out from my daughter. His little sister.
Justifiable because “Mums crazy you know”.
The last picture i have seen of him is the back of his head in the school newsletter.
It hurts, the pain inside me is indescribable. My sweet little boy is gone. Instead I am being treated the way his father treats me, punishing me. For what? Trying to be a good mum?
The legal system is a joke, there is no punishment. No consequences for alienation of a parent, without thousands of dollars in legal fees.
But in the end at 16, he can choose. He chooses him. And I’m not ok.
Once again I find my self crying to sleep. Patiently waiting for the day my friends tell me will come, when he realises I was just doing my best. I can give him a hug and a kiss and make his favourite meal. Just to be his mum again.
I truly hope I am the only mum of a teen who is having to go through this. It’s the worst. But it I’m not alone, im sending the biggest hugs because right now I also need one
8 Replies
You're not alone, there's thousands of parents that have been through it or are going through it. I have been through it with my son who is now 24 and I have a relationship with him now. His Dad is very controlling. I wanted to kill myself but had other kids who I couldn't leave alone. Look up Amanda Sillars on fb, she has a few fb pages and support groups, one is eeny meeny miny moe and the other I think is parental alienation Australia. There are other groups but are mainly aimed at men that have been alienated but Amanda Sillars groups are for anyone. It is so hard and I wish I was able to do it at the time but you need to focus on the children that are still with you, if they have the same parent don't let them go to him, and don't trust anyone that is still in contact with him. That's how they get away with this they create a smear campaign and act like they are an amazing parent, "look at me,I'm still letting child talk to xyz, so the problem is not me" it is also done to make you crazy. Alienation can also happen at any age, if they have been the more dominant one and you have been more submissive then its more common. That's why a lot of women who have been severely abused through relationships can become victim to this as well when they finally break free because the children are so accustomed to doing and believing whatever the dominant parent does and says.
Thank you for your kind words. You are 100% correct he is the dominant parent and never in my wildest dreams did I think this would happen. I believe his father has been slowly chipping away, changing his mindset over the last 12months. The final blow was so quick, here one day and gone the next.
I have reached out to the support groups you mentioned x
I suggest you connect with womens dv services in your area, specifically about the legal side of things. There IS consequences for parental alienation and coercion and it doesn't have to cost a dime; but, it is worth paying the initial consultation fee with a female lawyer who specialises in dv/family law.
Biggest of hugs to you and I wish you all the best mumma x
Thank you for your kind comment.
I have a lovely female lawyer, and yes she has briefly explained that there are consequences. I have another meeting early next month and will definitely be revisiting the topic and seeing if we can afford to pursue it.
At the moment the estimated cost to take to court is around 20k as his father is refusing to respond to all attempts to contact him. Due to our sons age by the time it goes through that process he would almost be 18 and I’d be down 20k :(
What are the consequences for parental alienation? At 16 years old the child can choose where they want to live and you can't do a thing
My daughter was alienated from me from the age of 7, it started off slowly, I’d see her less and less, then one day she just didn’t come home. In February, she (now 16) called me to tell me she didn’t want to live with the alienating (grand)parent any more due to her toxic attitude. Don’t give up. I do encourage you to join the facebook group Mums in Distress. It’s a great support group for alienated Mums. They even do Mothers Day zoom calls to make sure everyone is coping. They can also link you to other support groups that may be able to help you.
Thank you all so much for the kind words, and advice.
I am so sad that others are going through this. It’s the worst feeling in the world.
Love and hugs to everyone to everyone who has responded x
Hello Anonymous. I’m following up on your situation to see how it went. I am in the exact situation a year later.