Just had my 15th wedding anniversary - not even a HAPPY ANNIVERSARY FB message.
We are like housemates - I don’t have enough $$ to leave and think he really doesn’t love me any more.
I have stopped arguing and begging him to communicate with me. Sex stopped over 11 years ago because I stopped initiating it as he just did the same thing every time and I had maybe 5 orgasms in 7 years of sex. He doesn’t initiate conversations about anything and is really passive aggressive.
He’s a fabulous dad but just has no idea about communication, affection and I’m just stuck.
We tried marriage counselling and the lady fully blamed everything on me - I tried to explain how I was having a miscarriage and how he grabbed our toddler and left - leaving me on my own to lose our baby.
I was devastated and alone.
Unsure what im asking but im pretty sure it’s over. Where do I start?
5 Replies
Start with the financial aspect, that's what stops most from leaving.
Look into what you will get from Centrelink, including do the child support estimate.
How can you increase your income?
Get a job, increase your hours, work on getting a better job? Study options?
You don't have to leave tomorrow.
You also want to get some savings together, if you don't have any, so increasing income will help.
You also need a decent income to rent, if that's the way you go.
Do you own your home?
What would you get for it?
Would 50% allow you to take a breather for a while?
Get another place?
Start thinking like a single mum, independent, making enough to take care of yourself.
Be honest with yourself, what was the counsellor saying that was your fault?
Unless its abusive, most relationships I believe both parties play a part in the demise.
He's clearly not giving you what you need, but are you giving him what he needs?
Sounds like you've stayed for the financial comfort aspect, time to stand on your own two feet, you can do this.
Also, has he explained to you why he left you in that situation?
To protect your other child?
Is he uncomfortable in highly emotionally charged situations?
Did he feel helpless so just shut down?
The fact you wanted a FB message, rather than an intimate moment between the two of you says something about you, I would examine that.
11 years no sex, why have either of you stayed that long?
Why do you have to leave and why don’t you have any money? At least half of all the assets, superannuation etc are yours. Just tell him the relationship has obviously been over for years so you think making a household split is needed now. Work out who moves out and how the finances are split (get you own solicitors advice for this too).
I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. It sounds like it's really tought right now. I'm in a somewhat similar situation in that I've been married 15 years and haven't been sexual for about 9 years. He and I have reached an arrangement that suits us and we are still living together amicably. Neither wants to leave right now. I don't see myself as being in a 'relationship' exactly. We are co parenting and that's a valid option. I don't expect much from him personally and we just support each other to care for the kids. It's actually ok, and we can afford more with a pooled income. It's better than it used to be when I expected romance and affection. He's actually more generous and sweet with me than before. If either of us wanted to re partner that would obviously change things, but I decided our 'family' is what we make of it. If you want to leave, you should totally do it though. No reason to stay if you are really unhappy, it's not good for anyone. But you don't have leave if you don't want to. I know money can be tight and I'm not sure of your situation re kids, ages, work, housing etc. If you are unsure or confused about what to do, can you find some personal counselling (via gp/ mental health plan etc) to work through next steps for you? Whether that's a practical plan about how to leave, or stay or work on changing your relationship. Good luck! I hope you find more fulfilment and happiness! Sending hugs.