I am curious to know what other mums do in this situation. First of all I will point out we are currently waiting to see a paediatrician in the next 2 months. I am wondering how to provide consequences my 5 year old daughter in a few situations. She refuses every morning to get dressed, brush teeth etc It takes me 30 mins alone and that’s only if I do it for her. Everything involves a drawn out process of me telling/asking her over and over again to let me brush her teeth, get her dressed etc. she flat out refuses to do anything for herself and me saying oh well we will go like that results in screaming hitting and hurting me. How do I provide consequences for this behaviour? If I try time out she literally kicks the wall and screams the house down, throws everything around her. If I say no to anything she wants she screams and hits me. And it goes on from there. We are late almost everyday for school because she just flat out refuses everything. Be kind please I am exhausted and I just want my little girl to be happy. She will be 6 in a few months and I’m just so unsure on how to approach this behaviour. At the moment she just walks all over me. Today we were driving and said it was my other daughters turn to pick a song and they would take turns. My 5 and a half year old screamed and yelled at me and threw everything in her reach at me while I was driving(they play with toys in the backseat) It’s just so hard I have been trying different approaches and nothing is working.
8 Replies
Does she gets dressed if you do it for her? Do it all for her if that what it takes. If not I am not sure what else you can do. When my son would be like this, not wanting to go to school, I’d take his hand and drag out in his jocks and tell him that’s how he will have to go then. Once he knew I was serious, he started getting dressed and ready for school. He knew I was serious. It’s so exhausting. Hopefully you get a diagnosis that helps. Take the toys and anything from the back seat now. Don’t give her things she likes, no tests or technology, until she changes her behaviour. If that doesn’t work, she must have underlying issues.
No treats
If she hits you, hit her back. Get everything out from the back of the car, is she in a car seat? If she ever becomes unsafe in the car again just pull over until she stops. Make sure she's getting enough sleep and try and make mornings as simple as possible. Maybe skip brushing teeth in the mornings and wait until she's past this phase then re introduce it into the routine. Get her hair cut very short so its easier to manage. Praise your other child for getting ready.
Hitting children is not safe and only teaches them to hit. If she is lashing out, something more is going on and she needs more help to regulate her emotions. Agree with lots of sleep and making morning simpler, this can really help to get to success in a calm way.
This was me and it turned out this is anxiety in kids. They can’t voice it, so they refuse to get ready to go (they don’t even know that’s what they’re doing, it’s just sensory/ demand overload) and when pushed they strike out and that’s a fight or flight response because they’ve been pushed past their coping level (way back at the first refusal).
To make it easier - try to work out why she can’t get ready/ doesn’t want to go. Bigger picture.
Make the morning easy, get everything ready the night before. Don’t force anything. Feed them first. It helps them cope with food in their tummy. Treat them - a warm milk/milo, prepare breaky and bring them to it. Start them off nicely and build your connection;
And don’t lose it if they do. Remember you coregulate her. When she loses it, you keep your cool. Don’t threaten going as she is. Just put her shoes and clothes in the car and take her in her blanket, don’t punish her. She’ll get ready better for other people/once you’re in public anyway - you’re her safe space. Just find your own calm for now, you both need for you to be the calm one.
Mine was exactly the same and unfortunately it took 12 years before someone suggested she may have anxiety and could be on the spectrum. She definitely is and after reading up on it so much fell in to place and I felt awful recalling every fight induced by not brushing hair or teeth etc.
Have a chat with her and see if she can come up with an idea to make some of these things easier for you both. I find talking to my child about how to make all these situations easier made her feel heard. Down to picking what vegetables we had for dinner or a quick rinse of the mouth in place of brushing for a night. Also go the softest brush you can, sensitive soft brush is the only one my kid uses as other irk her. She can't handle hair in a hair brush so I need to clean it frequently etc.
Good luck.
I had this issue with my son who was diagnosed with ADHD.
I done up a “to do”chart with basic things on it.
Make bed
Get dressed
Have breakfast
Brush teeth
Do dishwasher
He also had a night time one that had different tasks.
Everything must be done of a morning before he is allowed to use his IPAD or XBOX (2 of the things he loves the most).
Completion of each task earned a star and I had rewards at certain tally of stars of things he enjoyed (like a family movie night, he picked dinner, snacks and movie) I had to be persistent but it worked and I would find that all of it would be done before I woke up of a morning.
I experienced lots of this with both my kids and we've only just now at 15 yrs found out my daughter is autistic and has adhd. You can see a few parents with neurodiverse kids recognising the signs in their response to you. Look into assessment. My daughter is only now getting the help she needs after 2 years of terrible depression and anxiety and autistic burn out. Early help will make a big difference to you kid. Hugs. Hang in their mama. We know it's super hard. She's not being naughty.