My children's dad has a new gf, things are moving quickly and they want to live together.
Here's the problem, she doesn't want to meet me.
I want to meet her because she's going to be spending time with my children (4,7 and 12)
What questions did you ask when you met the gf or what did you say to her?
At some point I intend to meet this woman...
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24 Replies
You say or ask the same things you would when meeting anyone for the first time. You introduce yourself, you make small talk (what do you do for work, if she has her own kids how old, names etc, where shes from...), you be polite and friendly.
You'll build a much better rapport with her by keeping that first interaction casual and easy going. You come in too hot and she'll feel like she's in an FBI interrogation, that's probably what she's already anticipating hence the reason she's reluctant to meet you.
You also don't know what your ex has told her - don't prove him right lol.
Unfortunately we don’t get to interview them. We can only hope our ex’s make a good judgement and we have to be okay that many people will be introduced to our kids (wether that’s friends or otherwise) that we won’t know.
So when you do meet, ‘hi, nice to meet you, my names x’ will be appropriate.
Our kids don't regularly sleepover and spend significant amounts of time with friends, nor do they need to feel like a member of those families for their own mental and emotional wellbeing.
In my opinion, your comment is dismissive and comparing apples with oranges.
Step-parents play a critical role in our kid's lives (depending on dad's access of-course), whether we like it or not.
It's not about being dismissive.
It's about meeting for the first time and respectfully co-parenting.
If OP comes in and gives the new girlfriend the third degree, that starts their relationship off in a pretty hostile place.
Where as if she is pleasant and keeps things chilled, it sets the tone a lot better, Dad's new girlfriend will probably feel a lot more comfortable and will probably be more willing to get to know OP better as well.
I agree with being polite 100 percent, just didn't agree with your comparison.
I won't ever meet my son's new partner because it has nothing to do with me and he has two kid's with her and she had two of her own. If you can't trust your ex that's on you, you don't have to meet someone just because you have kid's involved.
A lot of us don't trust our partner's judgment, that's why we broke up.
It's not on us, who it's on is the poor kids if he makes a bad choice.
So many adults are messed up because of shitty step parents.
At least if you meet, you know what the kids are dealing with and can support them.
If ex treats kids poorly and she leaves him, she might be more inclined to tell you if she knows you.
When my kids have one sleepover I like to meet the parents, this is going to be an ongoing person in your kid's lives.
I don't know how someone can talk about their own kids and say "nothing to do with me" in the same sentence.
Wow that’s very selfish of you unless she is a drug addict or puts your kids at risk but the she wouldn’t be around them at all.
As far as I’m concerned, if someone is around my kids then I want to meet them and know who is spending time with my kids, when I am not.
I couldn’t care less if they are with my ex as long as they are decent people and not hurting my kids, then I want to meet them, if they plan on being in my kids life.
It’s all about the kids and creating a postive, healthy relationship between those parenting and involved in caring for the kids. It’s all that matters.
Sometimes I think a drug addict would do less harm than a passive aggressive jealous second wife who doesn't really want the stepkids around, but acts "nice" on the surface.
So I assume you'd be totally cool with your ex telling you that he insists on meeting your new boyfriend and giving his opinion before your kids meet him then?
I wouldn't need for him to ask, if it became serious, he would meet the bf.
It goes both ways, actually it is more important that I disclose because I have more custody and my children may end up living with the guy.
I can't imagine living with a guy and my ex not meeting them, that's insane!
Respect goes both ways and that's how you have a good coparenting relationship.
What's with the meeting first and giving an opinion lol
Op said neither of those things, you're making stuff up.
I’d be happy for my ex to my meet new boyfriend, if that’s what he wants. After all my new boyfriend would be around his kids. He has every right to be concerned and meeting him would put his mind at ease, knowing who his kids will be spending time with. I would want to my my exes new partner too, if she was going to be around my kids. We are all adults here and ex is an ex and unless they are abusive to the kids or the kids are in danger, there is no reason not to meet their partners. This is just my opinion. More parents need to get along co parenting. It makes like so much easier when people are bitter at each other. It is what it is. What ever has happened is in the past. Leave it in the past as long as no kids are in danger and let them see parents and new partners getting along well or at least meeting.
Makes life easier when people aren’t bitter at each other
I just said hello and we talked about my dog for a little while (dog was there and provided a good distraction from the awkwardness) then that was it. Keep it simple, don't dive into rules or anything like that, see how things go and deal with issues as they arise. Don't get off on the wrong foot.
She actually doesn’t have to meet you, so if she’s scared or worried it won’t go well it’s a good idea for her to say no thanks.
I do understand that your kids are going there and you feel entitled, but he is their parent and it’s his judgement at his house. You will get to hear from the kids and the best thing you can do is be nonjudgmental and positive about her. Start including her in a nice way, she’ll hear the conversations the kids come back with, if it’s good then you’ll probably meet sooner.
My ex husband and i had 5 kids , and his late wife and him have been married for 20 yrs and I've never met her , even tho our kids stayed at both houses when they were little
She's Asian and culturally, it's 'bad luck' to meet the ex wife ( me ). Weather it's true or not, I don't know. But that's is her reason. I've never met her to this day. I didn't feel a need to formally meet her myself , either. As long as their dad was taking care of our kids efficiently , meeting her wasn't a big deal for me.
In a perfect world when children are involved, we would all meet our ex’s new partner and everyone would get along and have an amazing coparenting relationship. Unfortunately we don’t live in that perfect world. You can’t force the issue, but be polite and friendly if you happen to be in the same place at the same time.
Hey stepmother here and my ex has a new wife too.
I have met my exes wife but it is very formal. Hello, goodbye. She does not get along with the kids at times and it did not matter what I said or did, ultimately they just do not care what I think. In fact I think they are worse if I do comment. So I now just focus on supporting my kids.
My partners ex ran away from me. I went to say hello and called out and she actually ran to the car. We have been together over 6 years and she will not meet me lol. I get along with my stepson and maybe she just never wants to meet me..
Ok, so I'm a step child.
My parents separated when I was about 8. My dad remarried when I was 15 but met my SM a few years prior to that.
My mother repartnered years ago as well.
I am now 34.
My mother and step mother still have not met. I doubt they ever will.
What that has meant is that I have had to manoeuvre every single one of my significant life events, usually to my inconvenience so that they would not be there at the same time.
I'm talking my high school graduation, my formal, my 18th birthday, in hospital after having my first baby, birthdays, Christmases, so on and so on....
Maybe put it to your ex this way. You want to meet her for no other reason than for the children's sake. You don't want to meet her to be intimidating or to cause shit in any way - you just want to meet her simply because in the future there's a good chance your path will cross with hers and you want things to be amicable.
If she still doesn't want to meet you after that, maybe just give it some time.
I'm a stepmum & biomum has never wanted to meet me, though I was fully prepared to if she asked.
4 years in, we've never met - she's very careful to avoid me in any public situations like school nights etc (I only go if the kids specifically ask me to).
I think as above, keep it polite & just make small talk like with any stranger.
I don't think you have any right to ask anything personal about her.
And remember, if you tell your ex you want to meet her before she meets the kids, and think that any opinion you have should be heard - then you're also implying your ex has the same input into your new boyfriends.
The OP never mentioned meeting her first, in fact the kids have already met her (I assume if they're talking about living together)..
She also doesn't sound like she has the intention of giving her opinion.
Just a polite hi, nice to meet you, OP just wants to meet, not give her the spanish inquisition.
What is wrong with people?
Is this attitude due to insecurity?
You would think from one mum to another, she would meet and want to put her mind at ease.