Advice on sisterhood.
I have a small but supportive network of friends (which I value dearly) that I have established since moving towns for my child to start school.
My narc ex made it very difficult to go out, work or socialise but I would try and do coffee once/term etc.
Since leaving my ex, he has deliberately made friends with the partners/husbands of my female friends; one friend in particular which I would regularly confide in for support.
He has told them lies and flipped the version of events to tarnish my name to make me look like the ungrateful wife.
These are people he didn’t highly respect or regard due to their career choices. Now he is chummy with them.
He was the one who cheated. He was the one who controlled, manipulated, was physical with the children.
My ex often tells me “my friend” has told him things I’ve said. Some is true but it was while we were having our issues, me confiding and seeking sisterhood support and before he moved out.
Since ex moved out, I have tried not to discuss him or our issues to my friend.
I deliberately avoid confrontation and I suppose I am part to blame as I am also avoiding speaking to her as I’ve lost my trust in her since my ex has made a friendship with them.
I feel lost, alone, sad. He has tarnished my name to many other people in my life.
I’m so embarrassed by his actions that I keep it to myself and I don’t correct people with the real version of events that occurred during our marriage.
I am trying my absolute hardest to keep it together but how when your sisterhood/friendships are threatened?
Do I say goodbye to another friendship?
Like I mentioned, I avoid confrontation. I dont know if I could confront her or ask why she would tell him what I told her in confidence.
Do I expect too much from people expecting them to keep information to themselves?
Do I expect too much from the sisterhood code that friends come before exes?
I know where my values are but are they unrealistic?
9 Replies
Organise to meet up with her for coffee, explain this to her and how you don’t be to bring him up and if she could just understand not to believe everything he tells her. You value your friendship with her and don’t want to lose it and it you become distant it’s because you need to. Tell her, he’s told you things that she’s said but you don’t want to enter into any thing. If she tells him then cut her off for good. There’s more friends out there waiting to be met.
Speak to her nicely. Tell her then you need to move on in life without her in it but tell her first and give her the opportunity to explain. He’s prob lying to you. He is a manipulator, so he’s manipulated your friends. They should know you better.
Get it out there with her and chances are your friendships ended anyway. It happens all the time with relationships end. Make a new life and friends now.
Tell her then if she can’t explain it block her off. He’s prob lying to you.
I would step out of her friendship and I would be honest to her. Let her know exactly what he’s done and that he won’t leave you alone - and let her know he tells you that she’s broken your confidence and told him things and your mental health just can’t take it.
Cut him off too - why is he in your ear at all. Fuck him off and just do you.
Nope, cut her out. I would not trust her at all. I've been through the exact same thing and I've cut all people out that have fallen for his crap to the point I trust nobody that even slightly knows him lol. Ex and his family also did the same thing he is doing "infiltrating" when they get close to people they wouldn't normally to get any dirt on you they can. Classic narc move, I would tell them all what he said about them previously then cut them out.
This, my lovely lady is when you find out who your true friends are x
When someone tells me something in confidence, it stays with me.
Even if they didn't specifically tell me they were telling me in confidence, if it seems personal or sensitive I keep it to myself.
I never thought that was a difficult concept until I realised that a lot of people don't operate that way. Now, I'm very careful about who I trust.
If anything, your ex has actually done you a favour here because now you know your friend is shifty! This isn't him manipulating your friend or turning her against you, he has merely been the person she's shown her true colours to.
Could be that your friend has told her husband what you've said thinking he wouldn't repeat it and then he's repeated it to your ex.
It's not terribly hard to be fooled by a false sisterhood.
I mean, when times are good it looks exactly like you'd expect.
This right now is showing you the 'sister' isn't true to you. Yes you say goodbye to this one and hold your head high knowing they deserve the narc 'bestie' they've chosen.