I might get a lot of heat for this, but from following this page and seeing experiences in my own life, ladies, I think we all need WORK.
Every week there are posts about women:
Who can't leave because they can't support themselves, so their poor kids grow up in a toxic/abusive environment.
Men die (you might have good life insurance, so this one might not be an issue).
Men go to prison.
Men cheat.
Men just become aholes.
Men become abusive.
So, this is my advice:
When your kids are at school, you are no longer a stay at home mum.
Study something amazing to set up a career.
Continue on with your career prior to kids, even part time or casual. Keep your head in the game.
It is so hard to find a job these days, so if you can't, even volunteer. For example, working at a lifeline store will give you retail experience, in case you ever need it. Volunteering at the school might make you in the know when a job at the tuck shop becomes available.
Have you ever applied for a job with a ten year gap in the resume and no skills in anything?
If he asks you to marry him and tells you he wants you to be a stay at home wife, decline the proposal or tell him why it is important to you to work.
Working outside the home will also provide:
Increased self-esteem.
Friendships/support, in case you need to leave a DV situation.
A community of women, I've made amazing friends at work.
Your partner will realise that he will need to pull his weight around the house, good for him too.
How many women get on here and don't work and are treated like second class citizens in their home? What did you do all day?
Don' t become fully dependent on a man.
When you leave, you will have a job and won't chase the first man that gives you attention and end up in another abusive relationship because you can't support yourself.
Studies show the brain is a muscle, but we have to use it.
One of the biggest growing homeless groups is women in their 50s left by their partner. The kids are gone, no family Centrelink benefits, you're on your own.
Admittedly you may not leave with all the answers and all the income you need to maintain your lifestyle, but you will have the confidence to find a better paying job, ask for full time, get a second job etc. Working isn't frightening and scary to you.
Toxin men kill your self esteem but if you go to work and rock it each day, you are less likely to put up with that crap and most importantly, believe that crap.
In a perfect world, all women would be educated to a high level and have something to fall back on, but the reality is different, life gets in the way, we all succeed at different things. It is never too late to study, start working, create a business.
Unless you can honestly say today, right now (and there are lucky women who can), if we split up, divided the assets and I invested my funds, I would have enough to live on for life, I suggest you have a back up plan.
I'm not saying housewives are lazy, not at all, it's a thankless job 24/7, but unfortunately, it doesn't pay the bills.
To the mums out there with disabilities and chronic illness, I really, really feel for you and this is not addressed to you.
To the mums with some illness, don't discount everything, there are work from home jobs, contractor jobs and things you can do in the home, try to find something that suits you.
I'm not trying to shame anyone, just trying to empower women, because I find it demoralizing that so many women are stuck in situations that they don't want to be in due to the root of all evil "money". I hate money, it has a lot to answer for.
And let's encourage our daughters to get a great education.
22 Replies
Totally agree.
We’ve got to protect ourselves, and have a plan, and the best way to do that is stay employed and have our own money.
I read somewhere that a woman should never have more children than she could care for alone if she needed to. But realistically, one is hard, two is probably the limit unless you’re really well off. So, anyone past that is really stuck just by default on the way the world works.
My SiL has 5 solo. It's a stretch and when child support isn't in there's some tight weeks but she's doing it. The woman is a warrior.
Your SIL sounds like an amazing woman.
Yes.
After watching my grandmother leave a marriage with nothing. After watching my mother treated like a doormat, and her husband dump her with nothing.
I knew early on I would never rely on a man for financial security and don't regret working at all.
I'm with you 100% in theory. I think it's really important that anyone in a relationship (but particularly women/mothers) maintain their independence.
I was a stay at home mum for 14 years, getting back into the workforce was fucking hard! I was just lucky my boss saw some potential in my absolute nothing of a resume. I took that chance and ran with it!
2 years of sporadic casual shifts and a ton of hard work, I've worked my way up to management.
Had my boss overlooked me though, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I'd still be unemployed and broke.
I think it is worth noting though, that there are a lot of multifaceted complexities surrounding this issue. It's usually not a simple as just going out and getting a job or doing some study. Abuse, coercion and this whole dysfunctional, toxic mess is usually in full swing by that point - that is what makes it so difficult for women to leave unhealthy/abusive relationships.
You've also got to remember that a lot of women have been conditioned and have had their self worth shattered from a very young age. I personally know so many well educated women in well paying jobs who jump from one toxic, abusive relationship to the next. So it's not always a lack of knowledge or resources that keeps women "stuck" so to speak.
Whilst I do agree, let's empower our girls and women, let's encourage education and financial independence. We also need the government to step up and get some more supports in place to help this current generation of women because that's what's going to help break this cycle.
We also need more mental health services. We need to normalise therapy, we need to recognise and treat childhood trauma more effectively. Addiction and substance abuse plays into all this as well...
As I said, very complex.
Yep totally agree. I have had to sacrifice a lot but I've always wanted to work and have a career whilst being a mum. Bloody hard work and you are always thinking that you are not doing enough but Im in my 40s and know that I have something to fall back on.
A friend is literally stuck and it's heartbreaking as I'm powerless to help her situation.
I do agree, but it's more difficult than just get a job. A lot of women have had abuse from birth to marriage. They've no support, no independence and no opportunity or confidence to get it. Some are generationally, culturally, or religiously, conditioned to the primary caregiver role.
Imo we need change on a societal level. Where 50/50 child care, career opportunities, flexible hours, house work, life admin etc. between parents are normalised. Where men get to share parental leave (and women allow it), schools call dads, not just mums if kids are sick, after school activities, etc. Where it's unacceptable for a woman to be conditioned to give up work because of child care costs gobbling up HER wage, rather than it being a shared cost across both salaries. Where single parents get real support to work. It's changing but not fast enough.
I learned all this by shock. I took my son to playgroup. The mums were intent on shaming my age and career (they were mostly all very young, were nicer to the sahm older mum) and were smug that they were young SAHMs who'd be free to pursue careers by 40. They didn't see that I'd established a career and had Super, independence, equality. I was shocked they literally did not think about their vulnerability and dependency, and how it's not that easy to start a career later with zero quals. Never worked, had supported their husbands through study into fabulous careers, I'm betting no life insurance either. I was sad for their naivety. 7 years on, most are still at home. The only one who was desperate for a good career is working a menial job around the kids. While her husband goes from strength to strength. I was shocked they judged me for working on myself before having kids, like I'd done something wrong. I don't judge them, but it makes me very sad we're still teaching our kids this (those mothers are anyway). The one take away for me is teach both my son & daughter about equality in relationships. And accept nothing less!
Think you missed the point of her post entirely .
Fiercely Agree
There will always be exceptional cases but there's quite a few excuses here, however, most women (even those with low self-esteem) managed to work prior to meeting their husband.
I have low self-esteem, low confidence, anxiety, depression, but have still had to work and support myself.
I am all for independence, education, opportunities, experience, it is so so so important. It is also really difficult after or through young kids or abuse. They’re not excuses, it’s a complex issue.
I also see all these voices saying let’s help women but gee if we helped men to learn to be functioning humans and parents, and we helped women learn the absolute life-changing importance of hitching up to these as our partners, then wouldn’t that solve a lot of the problem.
Yeah, you do make a great point.
I absolutely love these discussions, so many intelligent women with so many ideas, changing you point of view, or adding to it.
Thanks for responding to my comment.
Geez I can’t even
Not articulate enough? Maybe a job might help.
Not OP
Me either. Judgemental and rude bunch.
I agree if they aren't already financially independent. I'm 42 and had my kids young, got stuck in a bad relationship and money was a huge issue as to why i didn't leave. I did work but could never work full time. Even when my kids were older and could work full time I had to work crap jobs because of a lack of qualifications. I am now at TAFE studying Community Services and Youth Work which will open the door to some great jobs that will keep me going for the next 20+ years as the focus is now building my retirement and having something to leave my kids.
Yess!! We need to give girls, especially in more complex situations and low socioeconomic backgrounds, a way out. And this needs to start from primary school. As the saying goes "you cannot be, what you cannot see". You see the patterns forming from such an early age and you see the intergenerational trauma cycle continue on and on.
OP: I should have added to the mums with kids that have illnesses/conditions, I totally feel for you and understand.
As a mum with a child with physical disabilities, I was also unable to work for quite a few years and she still has a million appointments at the hospital now (hard to juggle).
My life was on hold and it was terrible.
I seriously hope, like me, things change for the better for all of you x
Yes! I agree.
I used to be a stay at home mum, for 14 years, 4 kids and emotionally beaten down and made to feel worthless.
3 years ago I made the decision to change my life.
I started a course, nearly quit so many times because I thought I was stupid and useless and could never do it. But I pushed through... after handing in a few assessments I was told by my assessor I had written some of the best assessments she had ever read, I aced every assignment and at the end of my course my Tafe chose me to write a success story on.
That's when I started to believe in myself again.
Once my course and work placement was done I started looking for work. Got the first job I applied for. Started earning my own money and believing in myself more.
2 years ago I decided to leave my marriage, it was not good for me or the kids and I believed in myself enough to know that I could make it my own.
I moved 800 km back to my family, sadly I had to leave my job but within 4 days of moving I had a job interview, 2 weeks later I was starting my new job.
Been working nearly 2 years at my job now, I was able to save up for a bond relatively quickly and even amongst the rental crisis I got the first house I applied for. I even manage to put money away in a savings account and have a large chunk saved, that's my house deposit for when I decide to buy a house.
I got 4 kids and work full-time, I rely on myself and I can't not tell you how amazing that feels. Some days are hard because I'm so tired.
If anybody would have said to me 5 years ago that I would be where I am right now I would have laughed but now I know I am capable of anything.
It feels great doesn't it.
I am a single mum, work ft and started post grad study.
I've just finishing my Grad Dip and it went so well I've been offered a masters place.
Not sure if I'll accept, but I'm considering it.
I think I just need a break from study for a while.
Congratulations, you sound amazing.
Wow, what an achievement! You sound like a truly inspirational woman, congratulations to you as well xx
I have thought about doing further studies to advance in my career but at the moment I'm happy where I am, maybe I'll revisit that in a few years.