So I need to vent a bit and I guess I’m hoping for some different perspectives on things.
So my bf and I have been together a year. I have a 2 year old son from my previous marriage. My ex husband and I are in quite regular contact due to our son.
My bf has always struggled with the contact I have with my ex, he comes from a totally different background and his children’s mum and him don’t get on and things seem more toxic, so I’m guessing he doesn’t like the contact I have with my ex because he doesn’t understand it.
Anyway, a few weeks ago we had an incident where my ex called my bf (don’t even know how he’d have got his number or anything, certainly wasn’t from me) well my bf has it in his head I must be sharing his details with my ex and that’s how he got it etc. he’s very paranoid about it all and really annoyed as he thinking I’m going around blurting his business out. When in reality I’m really not. All I can think is my ex husband had a phone contract for me, he was paying it all and all in his name but for my use. Thinking he must have got it from there, anyway..
So, Saturday we had a lovely day, me and my bf whilst my son was with his dad this weekend. We went down to the beach and had a lovely day. My bf went out that evening to help his brother. He didn’t end up coming home. I didn’t hear anything from him at all and he ended up telling me the next morning he’d been on coke. He apologised and said it wouldn’t happen again. Anyway, I was so annoyed with him and wanted to talk face to face, well he didn’t get home till late, so I think that made it worse for me as I’d then had all day wanting to sort it out and just going over everything in my head. When he got in, he was acting like nothing had happened. I was clearly not happy, but he was basically trying to brush it off and make light. I think because he’d texted me about it, in his head we’d sorted things out.
Well we ended up arguing, and he turned around and brought up the situation about my ex calling him again, basically saying what right do I have to question him when I’m giving out his business etc. things got quite heated, I ended up going for a walk to cool off and come home and we kind of had a few words and a hug and we’ll I guess it’s kind of been swept under the carpet.
Today I’ve woke up, things are pretty much ‘normal’ ish, but I’m just stuck wondering what to do. I feel so drained. When things are good and in general every day life we’re actually really happy together. It’s just when something comes up or something happens (as it often does in life) that things all get a bit sour.
Part of me thinks this isn’t going to work and we need to end things now. Another part is holding on tightly to all the good stuff and the other part just doesn’t know what to do.
Just looking for other perspectives I think, and just a general rant really. Thanks for reading.
24 Replies
In your post last time, I think most of us said he must have things to hide to be so paranoid (he calls it "private") to look up whatsapp etc.
So it seems we were right, one thing has come out since the last post, he does cocaine.
I actually don't have one person in my circle who casually has a night out on cocaine, do you?
Is that consistent with your lifestyle?
I'm sure this is just scratching the surface, there will be more secrets.
Have you asked your ex about this guy yet? I bet he knows more.
Go with your gut, there is something amiss about this guy.
Thank you for your reply. No, in my ‘usual’ circle I don’t have anyone that does cocaine. I know he used to do it and occasionally does when he’s very stressed, this is actually the second incident of him going ‘awol’ and it ended up being because he was on coke. I haven’t spoken to my ex about him no, in all honesty I don’t think my ex knows anything about him, I think it’s the opposite actually in the respect that he wants to find out about him. Admittedly I’ve kept most of my bfs past secret as I know he’d be heavily judged and in my opinion as it doesn’t affect my son, it doesn’t need to be public knowledge. That being said, we both have very different backgrounds and pasts and although it’s not something I’d have probably gotten into had I of known sooner, I met him and fell in love with the person he is now. I just feel so in my head about it all. I do really love him, although he can be totally draining, I do really love him 🤦🏻♀️
He doesn’t just take it when he is stressed so get that out of your head first and foremost. It’s an excuse! Your the mum here living with this jerk, you should be stressed not him. You have a toddler to think of. Your ex knows something. How did he get his number? Who cares if he has his number? I’d want my exes partner to have my number if my kids were in her care or around her. Your partner reacts like this because honestly he’s prob the dirty cheating guilty one here. So many red flags and you need to open your eyes, don’t believe his lies and think of your son. If you have your son, that’s all you need right now. Not a lying cocaine using jealous partner.
If you are with someone who drains you then you need to show him the door. The only thing that should drain you, is an active toddler.
Yeah he doesn’t get on it when he’s stressed. Do some research, going awol is part of the abuse cycle. He goes out and forgets about you while you stay home in emotional turmoil, waiting and worrying, so he can come home with no consequences and move on.
Do not buy into this being more stressful for him than it is for you. Who is the one now reeling and exhausted, trying to work out what happened and what to do moving forward? Who is the one that seems like nothing at all happened.
See the pattern here, you shouldn’t have let him back after his first awol. Now he’s had a second, then there will be a 3rd and so on and this is how you get trapped in a toxic, narcissistic relationship. This is only the beginning. He has shown you who he is. He has shown you that he isn’t a responsible person, by the way he acts over your ex. You don’t have to justify speaking to you ex about your son. Your ex can have his number, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that and if he didn’t want him knowing it, then there is responsible ways to ask your ex to kindly please keep the number private or delete it. What we do know here that having his number isn’t actually the issue, the issue is your partners narcissistic mental state. Wait until he becomes like this about your son because he will, if you stay.
You sound so vulnerable, the "but I love him" mentality puts you and your son in a really dangerous situation.
I think you ex is probably right to be concerned for his son.
Imagine the tables were turned and he was with a "private" drug abuser, how would you feel?
And please don't kid yourself, everything you do, every choice you make as a single mum, ultimately affects your son.
You do really love him but you need to love yourself more and make sure your own self-worth is not caught up in his approval. That's what narcissists do! One day you will be searching for any little snippet of praise from him to feel good about yourself... they train you to do this! You will also be wondering where the guy from the beginning went who was so exciting and adored you only to realise it was all grooming and that guy never existed. Once they trap you, they no longer need to put in the effort.
That confusion you are feeling was deliberately created by him. He has shifted your boundaries on what you are willing to accept. So you know it's not right but are so muddled from all the gaslighting that you no longer trust yourself.
If you cannot love yourself more then leave him for your son who I know you love more. He is not the one. <3
This is so weird. Of course your ex (child's other parent) wants to know about him/know him. BF is a huge part of your child life. BF lives with exs 2 year old son.
Get these two to meet ASAP. If BF is still being a dick then get rid of him.
For me he would have been gone at the first Cocaine AWOL episode. Your son doesn't need some a person like that in his life and neither do your.
It is also going to effect your child
You posted this last time and Mumma you need to get rid of him. No wonder you ex rang his number, he was trying to suss out if it’s the same person ( drug dealer or someone that someone else had his number ) your ex is decent and obvious worried about his son.
You need to put your son first here now and get rid of this guy once and for all. You are allowing this man to be in your sons life. It’s only been a year. He’s a jerk and no way a father figure to be in your sons life. No wonder life with his ex is toxic.
I really hope you get rid of him for your own good and the sake of your son. Be comes first always. His safety comes first always. This coke head was prob hooking up with other girls when he didn’t come home. Don’t be naive.
Speak to your ex, ask him what he knows about him, listen to him and tell your ex that you won’t have this jerk around his son anymore.
Stand up for yourself! Stand up for your son and get him out of your life.
You sound smart , so you know what you need to do. Things are good when it suits him and is good for him, take note of that.
Chuck him. He doesn’t understand respectful relationships?! Are you kidding yourself. When things are bad he brings out the shit he’s been holding against you and it’s all your fault, then he goes out, forgets you exist, gets on coke, and comes home and doesn’t want to hear about it. He’s not over it, he’s Controlling. You know how you feel drained? That’s because he’s wearing you down, until this is your norm. This is NOT good, you’re cherry-picking and doing that will lead you into a shit relationship.
Speak to the mother of his kids. Seems like toxic is where he’s comfortable
She probably won’t speak to her because he has fed this poor girls head with a story about his ex to suit his toxicity, so they don’t speak.
Some of our comments might sound harsh but this isn’t aimed to put you down or anything, so please don’t take our direct approach wrong. It’s just that we can see this very clearly for what it is. Some of us have also lived it, so we just want the best for you and your son. Stand strong and don’t ever settle for less than you and your little boy deserve.
He is toxic and he is jealous. And a drug user.
Don’t let him give you grief because you and your ex are amicable. He is manipulating the fact you and your ex are able to be grown ups in your split into a negative. That is not a negative, that is something to be applauded!!
This isn’t leading anywhere but pain.. you can choose to step off now or later… save yourself the drama!
There is something that really stands out here. The fact that you and your ex are amicable and get on well for your son. You need to be really proud of yourself for this. Please don’t let anyone ever change this relationship between the 2 of you. You are both thinking of your son and nothing else. reading this part, tells me alot of positive and intelligent things about you. You partner on the other hand, isn’t worth keeping around. Sorry if this isn’t what you wanted to hear but I think you already know that deep down.
Agree. Not everyone is like you, you have to be extra careful now who you let in. That’s enough strikes for this fool, keep your standards high and you’ll get what you deserve. If you don’t tell this one to jog on, you and your kid, and your coparenting relationship by the sounds of it, will pay the price. He’s threatened enough of your sanity already, time to get yourself back.
Of course it’s not going to work. End it now. Put your child’s welfare first and get rid of this toxic guy!
From your post it sounds like you know what is the right thing to do...end it now before you get in too deep. Put simply, do you really want your son to be around a drug user?
Last time you asked you were told to fuck BF and his issues off.
Story is still the same.
He brings NOTHING positive to your life. Fuck him off.
Girl, this guy has chronic trust and control issues. Apparently he also has a proclivity for casually doing COCAINE!
My perspective is that your bf is a flaming douche lord who has zero place in your life. The good aspects do not outweigh all this negativity.
As a parent, you have a responsibility to make sure you're not bringing idiots into your world. Anyone who gets in the way of you having a healthy co-parenting relationship has to go. You're doing your son a disservice if you tolerate this kind of immaturity and disregard of your son's best interests from any man!
My husband and I always had a very amicable relationship with his ex wife and we put kids first. People thought it was weird but we'd go to bday parties at each other's houses for the kids. We helped her find a new job. We had a very good relationship by putting kids first.
Until she met her bf who didn't like that. Who hated the kids and completely alienated the mum. He hated that we tried our best for the kids and did everything to undermine that. The children are older now. And it breaks my heart that it's been 7 years since they've even been in the same room with their mum. No communication from her at all.
You don't want this. Kids come first always. You and your ex have put your child first. The "boyfriend" needs to get the hell out of this picture l.
Don't just walk, RUN. This is controlling behaviour. I have a toxic ex, my partner does not (thank god), I am grateful only one of us has to deal with that when trying to coordinate kids things.
Your bf did not come home, then came home and twisted it all so the argument was no longer about his behaviour... very clever and extremely manipulative. Expect this to continue throughout your relationship.
It may only be good when he decides to put in the effort to wear his mask. This is still early days, over time he will put in even less effort and this is what you will get. Especially if he feels you won't leave. Please never have children with this man.
He's either very paranoid or he is wearing you down so you are easy to control. Run 🏃♀️