So my bf and I have been together for almost 1 year now. I was previously in a long term relationship/marriage. I have a 2 nearly 3 year old son from my previous marriage and my sons dad is involved in our sons life (as he should be). Anyway so he’s ‘around’. He has a new partner and although he hasn’t always been nice about my bf, he knows he’s in the picture. They’ve never met or spoken or anything at all, my bf always ‘keeps out of the way’ whenever my sons dad comes to pick him up or anything. Also, it’s important to add my bf has trust issues which I’ve worked incredibly hard on with him to make sure he knows he can trust me. Anyway, yesterday, out of the blue and very randomly, my ex husband called my bf, bf missed the call and the only way he knew it was my ex was cause he saved the number thinking it was someone else, then went to message him on WhatsApp and saw his profile picture with my son in it. He messaged asking who it was and my ex replied he’d got the wrong number and he blocked my bf on WhatsApp. Anyway, my bf is now very suspicious as to why and how he’s calling him. I can put my hand on my heart and say I’ve never, ever given out my bfs number, to anyone. He doesn’t buy my ex saying he’d dialled a wrong number and it adamant that him having my bfs number has to have come from me or ‘my side’ thing is, my bf is a very private person, my ex and I haven’t always seen eye to eye and he’s never been ‘for’ my new relationship despite knowing extremely little about my bf. I’ve never broken any boundaries and given out or overshared any of my bfs information as I fully appreciate he’s a private person. I’m just unsure what to do now. I haven’t messaged my ex because my thought process is if it was a genuine mistake, if I message he’ll then know he has my bfs number. I’ve told him to feel free to ask him where he got his number etc, because I genuinely have nothing to hide. I’m just unsure how I can make sure this doesn’t have an impact on the trust I’ve worked so so hard to build up with my bf.. any advice would be greatly appreciated please.
18 Replies
Girl, how hard do you have to work to prove yourself trustworthy to this man? Like, the trust issues are his and he came into this relationship with those issues but YOU'VE worked hard to manage it?! Yet, even with all that hard work you still have to go into damage control mode because of someone else's actions (something that was pretty insignificant as well)?!
I really hope you know that's not exactly conducive of a healthy, mutually respectful relationship!
Honestly, take a minute to evaluate your relationship and your BF as a person. I'd even consider speaking to an objective, unbiased professional about this issue.
There's also the possibility your ex isn't just being jealous and weird, maybe he sees something in your Bf he is concerned about. I mean, I don't even know you but I'm worried about you based on what you've written here - your ex has far more insight than I do.
What I can absolutely promise you, this lack of trust and the accusatory behaviour that comes with it will wear you down eventually. It usually escalates to completely illogical heights as well.
Please just think about this anyway.
Red
Flags here your bf is hiding something and you need to listen to what is happening here for the sake of your son.
Do not ruin the relationship with your ex, message him without telling your bf and ask him yourself. Keep your mind open. He probably doesn’t like your bf but he is not saying anything to you because he doesn’t want to cause any trouble and you probably won’t listen.
Your bf is around your son, you need to make sure your son is your priority and your ex is probably a concerned decent dad. Who cares if you did give your ex the number.? Private or not, he may need it for emergencies with your son. It’s not big deal. Someone you know must have given it to him.
Something isn’t right with your bf going by this post. He has issues and you are allow this around your son. Your son deserves better. If you message your ex, don’t even tell your bf a thing. I’d say he was just sussing him out because he has heard some shady stuff about him. He was checking the number with a photo on what’s app to see if it was his. Maybe he’s a drug dealer or maybe your ex knows a girl he’s been with or maybe he’s cheating on you. You need to ask your ex and listen to him and not tell your bf a world. Also your bf privacy excuse, is covering something.
You shouldn’t have to work hard with anyone to get them to trust you. I think your ex knows more about this guy than you realise. Why are you with someone that doesn’t trust you? You should have let that guy go from the day, you realised he had trust issues. This guy is around your son,he’s a role model to him. Who cares what he thinks. You are allowing him to control you with here. You have worked so hard to build him up, says it all. Your bf doesn’t want you to find out who he really is.
Sounds like you should have stayed with your ex. Boyfriend sounds like a jerk!
Girl that’s a no from me.
No one needs the drama ! It is time to leave - move on.
This is a him problem don’t let him make you the problem!
It's probably a good idea that they exchange numbers.
Since there's kids involved, your new partner may need to get in touch with their father in case of emergencies and other details.
Same with day care, if your partners an emergency contact and neither you or your ex are available to pick up the children, the next emergency contact maybe your partner who then might need to call their father.
All three of you need to meet each other, especially if your partner has met the children. If your new partner if going to be someone who is long term, he will have a role in the childrens upbringing and that includes dad.
If however, your new partner can't get over the jealousy, paranoia or hang ups with phone numbers, then I think you're in for a lot more drama. If he can't see that, like wtf is wrong with him?
You're a family. He needs to realise Dad is there forever. He needs to know that you will have active contact with him and he will need to learn to communicate with Dad, too.
I'd walk away, he sounds more trouble than anything.
Wow, you're twisting yourself like a pretzel trying to keep this guy happy.
Why?
And as you son gets older, he's going to witness it.
His issues are his alone, sounds like he shouldn't be in a relationship and should be seeing a psychologist.
Also, doing the maths, you didn't wait long to get into a new relationship.
I think you need to be single and build up your self-esteem for a while, get stronger, so you aren't running circles around these men to keep them.
This one has issues, throw him back, he's not a keeper.
Did you cheat on your husband with him? He is NEVER going to trust you. He knows what’s coming. He’ll never ever believe differently you might as well give up.
Maybe your ex just put some things together and was checking if that’s the same guy you cheated with back then?
I mean; there is no way your ex called him by accident. No way. There’s more going on here but I think you actually already know what it is.
Just maybe he is cheating on her and that’s why he has the issues. It’s usually the case, when they know what they get up to.
lol what you are an overthinking 😂
I never cheated on my husband with this guy or anyone actually. The marriage ended for other reasons, not infidelity.
Sounds like the ex’s new partner might know your bf! My money is on, your boyfriend is a jealous cheater and throws the shade off on to you. So you don’t suspect a thing. There you trying to fix him. He needs to fix himself and you are investing way too much into helping him. I don’t think he is so innocent. There also is no problem your ex having his number. This man is around your son. Tell him to grow up and you need to stop trying to fix him. Focus on your son and forget this jealous bf. He’s manipulating and controlling you, you just don’t realise what’s happening here.
Sounds like your ex is jealous as well as your new man. Tell them both to grow up, live your life how you want to you have nothing to prove to anyone including your innocence or how trustworthy you are. Life with someone like this is just so draining, constantly having to watch who you're talking to or how long you are because he might blame you for things you're not doing. Save yourself the headache and be free.
I would be way more concerned about you having to tip toe around your bf’s trust issues. This is a red flag and look at the stress it’s causing you. He needs to either decide to trust you or not and that decision is on HIM. It’s not your job to be the meat in the sandwich between these 2 man-children. Tell them to both grow up and be there for you not creating unnecessary drama and issues out of nothing
That relationship seriously sounds way too exhausting. You’re boyfriend has big issues he needs to sort out, it’s not up to you to keep proving to him you’re trustworthy. Seriously this whole phone number thing doesn’t have to be a big deal, he’s making it a big deal. I’d seriously think about the relationship you’re in and if you want to continue having to prove yourself for the rest of your life. Coz I can tell you now…. That’s not a healthy relationship
Your ex (child's father) and BF should have met by now.
I would want to know the other person that is spending time with my child.
I think they need to meet. It is definitely in the best interests of your child to have all parental figures on the same page or at least being able to all contact each other (including ex's gf), in case of emergencies.
Maybe if they get to know each other your BF may realise that he doesn't need to have trust issues about you and ex
I would say the red flag is the new bf not the ex. I have never had to ‘work hard’ to gain the trust of my husband.
Your ex is going to be in your life, you need a man that trusts you. Not makes you feel paranoid around your ex. Your child depends on the relationship you have with your ex, I would be saying goodbye to the new bf.