Hi I need advice please. My son-in-law is a big drinker probably an alcoholic. He is also very controlling. My daughter and granddaughter come a poor second to his drinking and his mates. I have tried to speak to my daughter about it but I think she is in denial and too proud to admit that he has a problem. He doesn’t give her much support around the house or with the baby preferring to spend time with mates. He is putting a lot of stress on her. I don’t think she likes conflict as he can get very nasty verbally so she just takes on more and more and let’s him off the hook at home saying he is always tired and stressed from work. I know if I say to much I run the risk of losing my daughter and granddaughter. Do I need to stay quite and just be there for them when she eventually works it out for herself? It’s very hard to see this happening and not say anything.
5 Replies
My dad was a "functioning" alcoholic. The impact it has is long lasting and can be the beginning of a generation long addiction. He drank every day, right after work, some times on his lunch break... weekends was him drinking by the BBQ, watching to football.
Yes, say something. Ask you daughter, how would she feel if their future partner treated them the same.
I look at my brother, who is 40, and see he's continued the cycle, drinking every day, with controlling outbursts that border physical.
You need to wait for her to see things for herself, the more you interfere now the more you will put a wedge between you
You need to give her the information on healthy and unhealthy relationships. Let people who’ve been there explain it. Give her the links and the contacts. There are information checklists etc.
If you haven’t been in it before you just don’t know, and it’s embarrassing to admit how bad it is, and you hope you can work it out behind closed doors and it’ll change - she needs to understand the cycle and that she can’t make it work through giving and loving and forgiving and hoping on her side. Make sure she knows you’re concerned for her and your grandkids and you’re there for her.
Maybe go
Our for the day with her and treat her to lunch or something. Let her know that you will always be there for her but you understand that it’s her life and it’s her choices but she doesn’t have to put up with his behaviour. Don’t attack him though just support her, tell her you love her and you never want to lose her. Tell her she always has a place to come to if she needs to come home at anytime. Start it off with you seem under a bit of stress is there anything that I can do to help.
My husband is a recovering addict, my mum was ALWAYS there for me, she never interfered just let me know she was there and there ways always a home for me if I needed. My husband has been clean for nearly 8 years, and she forgave all that he did and is proud of how far he has come. As a mother myself I realise now how HARD that must have been for her! Just be there for her, try not to judge, and give her breaks when you can.