At what point do you put yourself and your mental health over a friend?
I feel like an absolute asshole about this but I have had to put distance between myself and a friend.
She is in an unhappy marriage which she told she she wants to leave. They have no kids or house/property together. She told me about her unhappiness 18 months ago and I have tried so hard to be supportive. I have sent her information on financial support, job services (she doesn't work a they excepted to have kids but after 9 years of marriage, it hasn't eventuated) and mental health services. We've had daily conversations and coffees.
Ive tried to support and encourage her every single day. I've literally given it everything because she keeps saying things like "what's the point of even living?" And "there is no point to me being here anymore" etc and every single thing I've provided, suggested or sent her has been dismissed/ignored.
And I think I've burnt myself out. I don't think I can face the prospect of more years giving my energy to this. And it makes me sound...callous. I work full time, I have 3 kids. I'm also a carer. But this friend, I've given her everything and every time we talk, everything is so awful, every single thing sucks, everything and everyone is crap and the World is crap. And I cannot live like this. She literally emotionally bankrupted me.
How would you handle this situation?
6 Replies
Oh, you are not the asshole!
You absolutely need to put yourself first and your friend is an energy suck.
She’s had plenty of chances to change her life and has taken none of them. People like her enjoy being miserable and the attention from people trying to help them.
Your definitely not an arsehole.
I would be doing the same and distancing myself from the situation.
You have done all you can to help her. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. You need to look after yourself and your family. Sending lots of love xxx.
It's a very real thing, I've been there before.
It's exhausting trying to help someone who won't help themselves.
It sounds like she may actually have a bit of depession going on, and that may be either a cause or a symptom of an unhappy marriage.
There's nothing wrong with distancing yourself, except you will feel guilty, though you shouldn't.
You've given her all the information as well as support, so if she still won't help herself or take steps to move forward, you've done all you can.
Leaving a marriage is a massive step and a lot of people take a long time to actually do it; or just settle in their rut and never leave, because they're afraid of what's on the other side.
Also, some people simply love being miserable, and love the drama that comes along with it 🤷♀️
If there is no drama, they go looking for it, or make it up in their head.
I call them emotional vampires because they just suck the life out of people around them.
It's strange she doesn't work without kids, even if she wanted to be a SAHM why wouldn't she have a job before that? Is she in a controlling relationship where he's making her stay home or is she staying unemployed by choice? Having no purpose can really affect your mental health so this could be a major cause of her mental health. It would be unfair for her to blame her relationship if it's completely her choice to not work.
I also completely understand cutting her off it is emotionally draining hearing how miserable someone is when they don't want to help themselves. I would give her one last chance just in case she's stuck in a rut and feels she can't get out. Tell her the options she has eg. Study, get a job, stay with your mum, see a psych and then underneath each one outline how she can do it or services that could help her do it. Then finish off by saying that you're willing to help if she wants to get the ball rolling with any of these options but unfortunately due to your own stress that you're dealing with you can't be contacted for any other reason right now.
Unemployed by choice, which I couldn't get my head around for a while. I kept suggesting part time work and volunteering but everything has been turned down. I'm in the mindset of working and getting the rewards that go along with having a job - career, superannuation, mental stimulation and just self esteem. It literally feel like pushing a boulder uphill trying to get her to engage with life and work.
I do like your suggestion though. It might be the way to go...
I am you. I have had to cut down contact and be strict with myself about not answering the phone calls when I am doing family life things or working. I offered what I could and had to have some honest converststion with the person involved. I though I was going to lose them to their own choice. They made many decisions and one was the last straw and luckily was caught and medical help and life is looking up for them. It's a long road and I still only spend what emotional support I can give and no more and I have been honest about that to the person.