I’m a single mum of a 6yo who is autistic and suspected adhd, she has just started school this year and I knew the transition would be tough but it’s tougher in ways I didn’t expect and honestly I’m at the point where I’m burnt out. She is randomly hitting kids in her class room and is being incredibly rude and mean to them. This behaviour has started showing at home as well, I get hit, yelled at and called names all over seemingly nothing, and today she even bit me for no apparent reason, she is verbal and can usually verbalise her needs so i don’t know what her issue is. She has also started severely misbehaving at swimming, she defies what her teacher says and has even spat water in her face. Consequences never seem to work as she finds them funny or will make them fun anyway and I’m so lost on what to do. I’m over everything being challenging and never just having a nice calm easy day.
Edit: I guess the part that is burning me out is that nothing seems to work from a discipline aspect, the school doesn’t know what to do about her behaviour and have classed it as extremely serious. I don’t know how to handle it either as she honestly doesn’t care for punishments, bribes have never worked and a lot of other things I’ve tried haven’t work either and I’m exhausted by it all.
9 Replies
What did she do last year? Is this all new this year? If so I’d say it’s defiance due to overwhelm and probably just go-to behaviours now that she’s exhausted. Try this weekend just to relax, I data she needs connection and love. No swimming, no demands, just calm nice time together with lots of positive attention and praise for lovely hands off behaviour. If she goes to hit, pretend she didn’t but act surprised and verbalise in a fun way like ‘oh gosh I thought you were going to hit me but noooo you wouldn’t hit! You use your words and mummy helps you, hey?’ Or a second time a bit more firmly, “oh if you hit mummy then I won’t want to play with you anymore. You must not hit. Tell me the problem and I will help you.’ Then praise and also verbalise that you can both enjoy playing together, and want to play with her more.
If she’s loudly defiant and enjoying it, pack away and or remove her from the situation then when calm speak to her about it. For instructional tasks like swim lessons try a now/then. Now listen to your swim teacher, then we will get ice cream. So when she’s removed, use that - remember you must listen to your swim teacher so that we can get an ice cream afterwards. Are you ready to listen? And if no, take her home. Not in trouble. I wouldn’t be pushing her right now, she sounds like she’s already on a short fuse and she’s still young enough to need help to bring that back down.
She has always had challenging behaviour, and it kind of comes in waves but for the most part it has just been at home which has been somewhat manageable. I have given her a break from her activities but it makes no difference and I can’t completely pull her out of swimming as she absolutely no fear around water. Most of the time I deflect or redirect the hitting as I can tell when she is getting escalated but lately there is seemingly no cause what so ever and it happens so quick I don’t even have time to redirect. And in terms of the now/then she literally doesn’t care and will still misbehave and then escalate further when she realises her behaviour means she misses out on whatever she was going to get. That’s the part that’s burning me out I have tried so many different things and nothing seems to be working and everything is currently a challenge. She has never cared about consequences, bribery or incentives, if it’s not what she feels like doing it just doesn’t happen.
For this reason she can’t miss out completely as a consequence, she must always have the opportunity of fixing her behaviour and then she can partake for the time that’s left. And don’t take away something that you need her to do for your own well-being.
She sounds completely oppositional (ODD or PDA - pathological demand avoidance) so if you haven’t already, have a google of those and find out some strategies specific for her.
Definitely go back to your paediatrician for a review now that she is in school. Is she medicated? She will need a review or perhaps time to consider it as she is not coping at all in any place she goes, right now. And speak to her support teacher and HOSES as they should have a tonne of ideas and support as well.
Okay I’ll start working on that. She does have a paediatrician appointment in about a month where we are hoping to explore an adhd diagnosis, but she is currently not medicated.
She does sound majorly impulsive - wants what she wants when she wants it, no forethought, no ability to consider a payoff in the future. That’s definitely a trait of ADHD. You need support for yourself, support at school, the paediatrician appointment, it will all fall into place soon, but it does take time. Keep on doing what you’re doing and give her lots of love, she’s struggling with it too.
It sounds like she needs a shorter school day for awhile.
The long school day with just being at home is a huge transition for our kids.
Maybe start with picking her up at morning tea.
Does she have a teachers aid at school? How many hours and what hours do they work?
Does she have an OT/psychologist who can do a school visit and help the school strategise?
She has had a couple of days of school and these caused great anxiety so I have thought about the shorter day but feel this will make it worse. She has an OT that comes to the school, and has a psychologist outside of school and also another therapist that has visited the school to get things in place. She doesn’t have an aid as of yet as the school is still in the process of organising funding for her.
Regardless of funding, she needs support and the school needs to put that in place!
Are you in NSW? It took many months when we moved to NSW for the school to sort funding. It was horrible.
In SA the funding was sorted before the school year started.
I found the NSW system sucked