I have an ex husband who sees our kids once a month overnight. He is not a nice man and is psychologically abusive towards me and others, but not the kids. He’s got a very high IQ and likely autistic and a genius programmer.
We have been separated for 11yrs and I have 100% of the care on paper. During this time he constantly threatens to take the kids off me. He says I’m a bad mum. He’s says I don’t feed them properly (we eat well), that I make up their allergies (why would I?!), he wants to know what the child support is spent on, he claims I have mental illness (I have an invisible physical disability), he says the kids don’t need medication and so makes no effort to give it regularly, and that my discipline is not tough enough (my kids are neurodivergent), and much more. In the past he has hacked my email and facebook.
So, I have spent all these years feeling intimidated and give in to his demands as I absolutely do not want to go to court. I hide from him on Facebook and in the community (he doesn't live locally but has relatives here). When I make decisions or things happen I feel like he is looking over my shoulder.
I really want to get back online openly and live our lives like we want to. What would you do if you were me? Is it likely that my fear of losing the kids would happen? Would we end up in court over these issues?
7 Replies
If he was truely concerned about the safety and health of the children he would have had you in mediation and attempted to take you to court long before now, and would have the children more than one night a week. Given you’ve been separated for 11 years, your children are old enough to start taking on some responsibility for their own medication. Do they have a phone or iPad they take with them? Set a reminder alarm for when they need to take it. I would suggest you get some counseling for yourself, to help you gain confidence in yourself as a person, in general, and as a mum. They should also be able to help you with strategies to deal with your ex and ignore his crap.
Change the care to 100 percent to reflect the arrangement and then stop the once a months as well. Rein him in. He can only have the children if he a. Sets a regular care plan and sticks to it. One night a month is bullshit pick and choosing.
And b. He must give their meds. No discussion on if it’s real or not, that’s not your problem, he must give the meds or he can’t have them.
If he hacks you, have him charged,
. If he abused you, have him charged. You’re so close to being done with him you just need that final push, because you’re not going to be properly well until you have 0 to do with him.
I would stop all contact other than by email, so you have a record of the things he's saying. Tell him it's email only and you won't be answering his calls or reading messages.
Sure the kids can continue to go, if they want to, and as long as he doesn't abuse them.
Write him an email stating what their allergies are, what their meds are for and when to take the meds - so he can't say he wasn't told.
Start a proper paper trail.
If he asks what you spend the money on, reply "raising your children" and that's it.
Abd if he gets abusive with you, speak to the DV hotline for advice., take out an order if need be.
He doesn't get to control your life or question you any more.
If you have 100% on paper un assuming that means no visitation has been stipulated. If he isn't medicated properly, that's medical neglect. If not send the kids
How old are the kids and do they still want a relationship with him?
If he was going to take you to court, he would have done it by now. If he actually had anything on you he’d have used it by now.
Take your kids to professionals and document their diagnosis and medication. He will sound crazy and bitter in court if he goes against the professionals. He won’t get them, so don’t stress. It’s all threats. Take an avo on him and stop communicating with him. Use a communication book only or have someone else do it.