I apologise if this is way too long..
I posted some time ago about my mum and how I felt as though she resented having me and always treated me different. I am now 40 and have my own children. Nothing has changed since I was little.
It wasn’t until I posted on here that many commenters pointed out that I was the scape goat. I wasn’t quite sure the true meaning of that word in a family setting until I googled it and BAM it smacked me right in the face. Every word hit me hard. I was relieved to know this was actually a thing in families and it wasn’t that she resented having me or hated me, as I’ve always felt but I was the family scapegoat.
This is where I don’t know what to do anymore. Why is it me? How does a parent choose which child to use as a scapegoat? What causes a parent to be like this to a child?
I am a good distance from her but speak to her often and spent a few days away with her and my children recently but ever since, I feel hurt and anger because she treats my daughter the same, she picks her and lifts my son up. Buys things for my son on the side and not my daughter. Tells me children things about me that aren’t positive. Has never told me that I am a good mum or doing a good job. I can’t remember any positive things she has ever said to me or said about me to others.
I’ve heard always her talk about my siblings in positive ways. I just don’t understand why she has always chose me to be like this to, for as long as I can remember.
I have again limited contact for my own mental health and that of my kids. I just don’t know what makes a parent choose a child as a scapegoat? Can someone please help me to understand this. It’s been chewing me up since we spent time with her. I’ve been down about it and feel worthless.
How do I react to her? How do others deal with this apart from no contact? Is this a common thing for every family?
Thanks for being so patient and reading this. I don’t have anyone who understands this.The worst part is my mum would do anything to help anyone or give someone her last $1 , She is so good to everyone but then there is me. I just don’t understand why, it’s always been me.
8 Replies
I think, the simplified answer, is that it is a response to their unhealthy/toxic nature. This is how they function, someone is always less it’s how they show that someone is more. Like mean girls at school they get people close to them by putting them against each other, and then she can only give her ‘love’ to one or the other.
There’s ideas that the favourite fits whatever traits she needs ie) easy, agreeable, conforming, people pleaser, athletic star, etc and so the scapegoat is the one with traits that are ‘difficult’. They take the blame as the cause of the problems.
Thank you 🙏🏼
There can be so many reasons but rest assured none of them are because of who you are, it's all to do with her. Have you tried being honest with her about the way she treats you? It could be she doesn't realise she's even doing it, she could have done it so long it's become a habit. She could also turn it around on you but don't get dragged into it. You don't deserve to be treated like that and neither do your kids. I think it is kind of common it's just subtle in most families and really bad in others. For example my Mum for as long as I remember has only told people negative things about me or treats me like the joke of the family where as she will only tell people the positives of my sister. We could be doing the same thing or my life could be going great and my sisters not so much but she will still make it look like I'm having a hard time and my sister isn't. She's always treated my kids a bit different to my sisters and because of that they have a better relationship with her so she uses that as a reason why they're treated differently, even though that was the initial cause of them feeling distant in the first place. That I think is really common too you always hear of people saying that certain kids or grandkids Keep in contact and not others and it's usually their own fault for treating them differently. Kids aren't going to go out of their way to contact you if you didn't pay much attention to them when they were younger and treated cousins/siblings a lot
better. They see that and know where they stand with you.
Thank you for this, I appreciate your words 🙏🏼
Your mum is behaving in a toxic way towards you as an healthy coping mechanism. It’s not anything you did, and it’s quite probably a subconscious choice on her part.
She’s not going to stop doing it though, because a person with insight and a normal amount of empathy wouldn’t do it.
You do need to cut contact, because she will damage your children otherwise.
You will never truly understand why she is so toxic, but you can learn to accept that she is, that it’s not your fault, Rut she won’t change and that it’s best not to continue the relationship.
If this was a person you met at work or in your kids playground you would not continue to seek a relationship with them. Just because she gave birth to you doesn’t mean she is someone you should keep in your life.
Thanks for this 🙏🏼
I know this will be very hard but I think for your own health and well-being it might be time to cut ties and write her a long message as to why . Wether she’s your mum or not at some point you need to do what is best for yourself and your children and if that means walking away then so be it
It’s not you. I am so sorry. You didn’t cause this. And you can’t cure it. But you can try to educate yourself and support yourself and your family and children to identify this type of relationship and how unhealthy it is. You can not heal what you did not cause. That’s your Mums journey. You can guide and empathize with her lack of understanding and have bounds on the type and amount of contact you have. I’m so sorry.