Hi IMs,
I’m looking for positive experiences of overcoming resentment in your relationship.
I am so resentful towards my partner because he has had anxiety and depression for years and has refused to get help and I am on the end of his meltdowns, negative thoughts, controlling behaviours, and memory difficulties, 24/7.
He is booked in to see a psychologist and GP regularly to start soon but I’m not getting past the resentment of years of emotional turbulence I’ve endured and previous false promises to get on top of his health (I’m unsure if it will even happen this time). I also feel like I’m grieving the relationship that I’d hoped to have (I left a psychological DV relationship prior to this one).
Any advice on accepting his mental illness and moving past my resentment?
15 Replies
So he chooses not to help himself, you’re his punching bag, he’s ok with this, you want to find a way to be ok with this?
Naturally, your mind is telling you not to like or trust this man, but you want to find a way to get over that and be ok with it.
Logically, you know the answer to make it stop is to leave him, but you don’t want to do that.
Time to start asking yourself why you’d want to overrule logic and sense to keep yourself somewhere that’s not good for you. What’s the pay off? It’s the part of your mind that wants to stay that is broken and needs to be worked on here.
The only reasonable boundary is he gets himself help or you end the relationship. If he isn’t getting help then his behaviour is just abuse with an excuse!
That’s how abuse always comes. And the victim always, always imagines how good it would be if things were different and that part was fixed. It’s what keeps them hanging in, ‘I don’t want to leave’ (plus being codependent and just squashed into being completely scared of the impossibility of leaving).
My ex was this. 14 yrs of it I put up with bcoz he 'didn't know what was wrong' . Nothing ever got done about it so I left , it was the only way to keep my own sanity intact. That was 20 yrs ago. By all accounts on the grapevine, he's still the same . No progress whatsoever. You cant heal when you're still in the eye of the storm. Distancing yourself by cutting him off and TIME are your only saving grace. Do them .
You are choosing to stay with someone who doesn’t choose to help himself. You are choosing this one life that you get, living like this and will continue to live into your old age together. I am really sorry but if this was me, I would put my life first for once and live my life, my way. We only get one go at this life and sadly you are wasting it under his control and around his moods. This isn’t fair at all on you but you are choosing to accepting this way of life by staying there. You know he won’t get help. I suggest you move out and live apart if you want to stay with him. Just a suggestion because you need to live your life free of this. He won’t get help and maybe if you lived apart, he would get help. You are just there for him to lay his moods out on daily and you don’t deserve this. Who would want to live this one amazing and beautiful life that we are given, to live this way everyday. Life is so precious. How many years have you lived like this already? You can never get this time back in life, just remember that. It’s time for you to live now. Stop thinking of him now, who won’t help himself and start thinking of yourself and living for you.
You will never get past this because you say he won’t get help. There is your answer sadly. It’s not what you were wanting to hear but if he won’t help himself and you choose to stay, you are his punching bag for life! The only advice for moving forward is leave and don’t look back.
You aren’t accepting his mental illness, you are accepting his mental abuse. There is a difference. Mental illness is no excuse for mental abuse. What about your mental health. Stop putting him first and start putting your self first and break this cycle. It’s mental abuse.
By what you’ve written, I don’t believe you are in love with him and he probably feels this and his behaviour than probably becomes more irrational, controlling & negative. I do think you should leave and move on, maybe than he can focus on himself and get the help he needs, or maybe he won’t but at least it won’t have to be your problem anymore
I feel so sad for you because I can see here that you are trying to get past the resent and I don’t think that you realise, how serious this is and you are actually living in a domestic mental abuse relationship. Maybe you are so used to this, that you don’t actually realise. This isn’t something that you can get just get past. You are manipulated and abused.Please seek some professional help for yourself and know that you don’t have to put up with this or live like this.
I’m assuming that because you have posted on this page, that you have children. By staying in this relationship you are teaching your children that it’s okay to treat a partner like this if you have mental health conditions. Until he is willing to get help for himself he is not going to change. The best way to put boundaries in place is to live separately. You can still love someone and support while living separately. You need to think about what living in these conditions is doing to your children. Go to your GP and get a mental health care plan to get some counseling for yourself. Speak to 1800 respect. They will be able to help you with setting boundaries. Maybe separation will be the kick in the bum he needs to get help for himself. Then maybe down the track a bit, you’ll be able to rebuild your relationship.
Leave him! You sound like you’re only staying with him for the kids. In everything you have written , not one thing is positive, you even mention his slow processing speed- like people can control how fast their mind processes things. I’d probably be depressed too if I was put down constantly. Move on, I’m sure you will both be happier alone .
You need to leave him. U will both be better off if u aren’t in this shitty relationship
This relationship will not improve! Leave! Just leave, especially when you are at the point of resentment
This reads as you are most likely in a DV relationship and there's some kind of pay off for him in not addressing his problems e.g. maintaining control by blaming his mental health issues.
The only boundary I would draw would be he absolutely needs to get help and work on improving or I'm out. If you go to leave and he suddenly improves then you have your answer. He's being manipulative. There are plenty of people with MH issues that do not use them as an excuse to continue harming those people they love, instead they seek help to learn how to regulate.
You are not responsible for his problems, you are not his mother and you deserve to be treated with respect.
I have depression and anxiety and don’t treat my husband like that. Medication helps a lot. If he’s not willing to seek help then what more can you do. Your mental health and happiness is a priority too. If he sticks with getting help maybe it would help for you to speak to someone too.