Last year I was interested In Doing an ancestry DNA as my Aunty had done one and it was pretty cool some of the stuff they were talking about so I thought why not do one to make a long story short I have figured out I don’t share dna with my dad… but I do share DNA with my mothers high school friend , what do I do now, it would absolutely break my fathers heart and would give my sister great satisfaction to use it against me when father passes away to cut me out of their life’s and the will,
I am keeping this a secret as I don’t want my dad to find out as I feel it would break him completely and he is having chemo and don’t think he has the energy for it, I don’t want to confront my mum as I fee as she would use this to hurt my dad - after a messy divorce, my husband thinks I should just keep it a secret untill the day comes that my dad passed away to save him heart break , at the end of the day he is my dad and the only one I have ever known but I feel like I would like to know my real father as I know he has no other kids, and now I have to background check any one my children date incase they are related to me,
I suppose I just wanted to get it off my chest as I feel like it is consuming me .
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DNA
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17 Replies
Your poor dad, this is awful. Chances are he may already know but I wouldn’t mention it incase he doesn’t. He needs to live these days fighting his cancer and focusing on his health.
Your family are awful for doing this to you. I’d cut them off or keep this to yourself until the time is right. Just focus on your dad and being there for him, he needs you now more than ever. Don’t let it change anything.
I’d prob never speak to my mother again if this was me but you need to keep this private until the time is right. Seek professional help.
Your dad probably already knows. Going through chemo he’s probably got a different perspective on his relationship and life in general. It’s probably a good time to get it out, dealt with, and move on. I wouldn’t save it. And I wouldn’t want to bring it out after he’s gone, you already know your sister will say nasty things, wouldn’t you feel whole knowing your dad knew this and knowing exactly what he said to you about it and about his feelings for you afterwards.
I’d probably bring it up by saying you’ve had the dna test and the results have shocked you and does he want to know or does he already know.
It’s not worth the risk, if he doesn’t know then this could be detrimental to his already failing health. Best to let things lay as they are and at the end of the day, he is her dad. Nothing is worth upsetting him or having to feel the need to explain or feel guilt at this awful time in his life. Best to cherish the days that they have together and leave it be. Now isn’t the time.
I don’t know him but I’m sure OP will pick her time with care, but she shouldn’t avoid it it’s a conversation she shouldn’t miss out on having.
You're doing the right thing, don't tell him or anyone anything until after he passes. Reach out to your bio father after your Dad passes away. Sorry you're going through this, this must be such a shock and having to keep it all to yourself must be so hard but that's 100% the right thing to do for now.
I don't know how it works as I haven't done it before but I'm just wondering if you want to keep the results private for now, can anyone see you in their database? Like if your sister did the same test wouldn't you come up as a half sister on your mother's side? Is there a way to make it private until later?
If he doesn’t know this is a lot for him to go through during this current battle.
If he does know he choose to love you anyway!
If it were me I’d sit on it. You can explore a relationship with your bio dad separately and privately.
Are you sure these tests are even 100% accurate? I would take it with a pinch of salt and carry on being there for your dad. He needs you now, more than ever. There will be a time one day to bring this up with your mum but not now.
Yes they are accurate
Put yourself in his shoes, would u want to know if you were him? He’s done nothing wrong, your mother on the other hand …
Just based on what you've written, I also wouldn't tell your dad. If he knows he's chosen to protect you (neither right nor wrong, just the choice) and love you regardless. If he didn't know there is absolutely no reason for him to know now. It will change nothing.
With your description of your family, I wouldn't tell them until after he passes, and after the will is executed. What you do after that is all your choice.
I'm glad in the short term you could at least come and vent here, I know it's not much relief but just being able to acknowledge something like this in a controlled way might get you through.
Don't say a word until your father has passed away, and keep it between you, and your mother + your biological father.
Genetics doesn't make a parent, he is your das in every other way.
No need to hurt him. He’s your dad.
How do you know the high school friend is genetically your dad ? Was he on the Ancestory website ?
Probably. All that generation seem to be attracted to that database.
My father passed away from Cancer. There is no way I would have broken this news to him while he was undergoing Chemo. If he went into remission then maybe.. but while he is actually fighting and fragile. No way. I could not live with my conscience if this news in any way stopped his recovery and I would always wonder if it contributed. He is and always will be your dad and the man who raised you. Look after him now so you can have time to work on this later. His health needs to be the focus and I think this is something you can do for him.
I would reach out to bio dad once your father passes or is stable health wise.
Your family sounds complicated and I would just keep it to yourself. If you really need to, maybe track down the other party and ask discreet questions with the comment about medical history etc. Then go separate ways.
This biological father may have known about you the entire time and your dad became your legal father because he was married to your mother and your biological father wipe his hands of you.
I wouldn't discuss it with your mother of siblings if that's their attitude and emotional maturity.
Your dad is fighting for his life and when he does pass away, he will with some semblance of peace, as much as it maybe.