I just wonder sometimes why I am the way I am
I feel sometimes very disconnected.... I love my family, they live quite far away but I don't really feel bothered to ring any of them. I do get some miss calls from several family members an di just don't feel like getting back to them. I feel so guilty about it.....
I also have a disconnection from people dying. I avoid funerals because they make me extremely upset but if I hear about someone passing, I think it's sad but it doesn't impact me. If I don't get confronted with it in a manner of a funeral or such, it is easy to deal with if someone passes... I feel horrible for saying this but I want to know what is so wrong about me....
I feel like if I have something that I need advice on, I'm happy to call my family or reply to some messages from friends to get that advice but otherwise I feel like I don't need that.
Whne my granddad was dying (whom I loved so much) I didn't want to visit him in hospital. I was about 12. I said to my mum that there is no point because he will die anyway. She slapped me and I totally deserved that... I now regret never seeing him I kind of feel guilty and am Actually crying while writing this. I just can't work out why I'm so disconnected to the people that care about me... One day it will be to late.... I have my sister that lives near me... She calls but I also am not phrased to talk to her or catch up with her...
It depends on the mood I'm in I guess.
I just want to be different and want to make an effort so I don't disappoint the people that love me. I just wonder why I am like this.... I have a lot of autistic traits and sometimes feel as if I maybe am on the sprlectrum because I disconnect a lot emotionally... But then again maybe I am wrong. Maybe I'm just a selfish person?
When I'm around people to much I get very down, I need my balance of being by myself. Am I by myself to mu h, then I feel depressed that I need to be around people. I feel like my life is so complicated. My balance isn't making sense.... We have a lot of visitors staying over at the moment and I like being in my room, I feel overwhelmed that my house is a chaos and that I have to be social... I want my house to be quiet and in order again. But it's not all about me... I feel like I need to have a hobby so I can have some joy in life. I use to love fishing, exploring,... Now I don't like any of that anymore. I don't find joy in that, it doesn't excite me like it use To. 10 years ago I would go out and do some gardening, change the place around and be proud of it... I would walk to the beach, collect rocks and shells and decorate the garden... I would look forward to people coming to the house so I can make platters and we have drinks at night. Now I avoid all of that. I feel like I'm a boring Debbie downer... If my partner goes out shopping, the kids would never choose to stay here... It use to be different I use to be exciting and adventurous.
If my partner says 'lets look at this waterfall' I rather google it then walking all this way...
Why am I being like this? Sometimes I cry because of who I am, have I had to much shit happening in life that traumatised me unknowingly?
My partner would ask me what's wrong and I can't even pin point it. I could wake up in the morning and someone drinking all the milk not leaving enough for my Coffee or eating the last toast would make me wanna cRawl back into bed and be pissed about it....
6 Replies
Sounds like a mixture of depression, anxiety and just being introverted to me.
You sound like you have undiagnosed depression and it sounds like you have had this for a long time. Your bodies way it coping with grief and trauma. You do care and I think you need professional help with this. Did you have any child hood trauma that could have caused this? Ask your dr for a care plan and see a psychologist.
Write yourself a list of the things you sitn do and starting ticking them off such as replying to family, then tick it off and each day or week write another list of the things that you don’t do but really want to and force yourself to do them one by one.
I think there must be more deep down from your child hood that has made you disconnect in someway. You were 12 and your grandpa would understand that you didn’t visit him but also I think now is the time to face these things head on and deal with them there and then instead of avoidance which also comes from anxiety. You really need a diagnosis and then everything will be clear to you on why these things are this way.
A diagnosis here will be everything to set you free of this and start living and understanding these things.
I sometimes think I must have unresolved trauma. I feel very often unappreciated very easily, I feel often that I'm. Not good enough but also know that it's being triggered because the reason I feel like that isn't a strong reason....i want to find out if there is something in my childhood that caused me to be like that but how do you find out?
I have done two care plans at the doctor and when I took medicine I was being my creative self but also couldn't sleep at all. I never went and seine the psychologist. I worry that I don't know what to say because there isn't much to say. If they ask me what my problem. Is How do I answered that? I don't know? I just want to stop overthinking so much and want to enjoy life. Im still Breastfeeding and last time I spoke to my doctor he said meds are bad for the baby... I just want to enjoy my life
Psychologists are very good. They ask questions so it easy to talk. If they ask why you are there, you tell them that you feel disconnected and have thoughts and feelings that you can’t understand. They will ask you what thoughts etc. you will feel at ease because they know what to say, which then the conversation will flow. It will all make sense once you go. Tell them you over think. They will give you some coping strategy’s. I take a sleeping tablet to counteract the being awake. Also need to take the antidepressants very early mornings. A psych will also, get to the bottom of your child hood if there was anything. Sometimes we block things out and it’s a normal part of our bodies coping. Please don’t feel worried about visiting a psychologist, it will do you good. Request a female one who has a gentle approach. This is what I did and they will match you with who they think you will be most comfortable with.
Anxiety and depressing please seek professional help with your dr and get a care plan for a Psycologist. Antidepressants will help also along with therapy.
I don’t think you realise but this is all signs of anxiety and depression.