Should I contact him….
I have recently been told that the father of my child is dying of lung cancer.
He has never been in the child’s life but has paid child support. He has seen him twice in 10 years with the last visit being 8 years ago. We have a very big history together which is quiet messy.
I want to reach out and see 1) if it’s true and 2) does he want to have anything to do with DS before his health deteriorates even further.
I don’t want my DS to think I never made an effort when he is older.
Just not sure what I should do…
14 Replies
Nope. He'll find you if he wants to. Also, it would be horrible for him to reunite with your son, just for him to die. And if he's seriously ill now, that is an awful thing for a young kid to see.
Leave it be.
It is a tough one because even though he sounds like a dead beat that's still your son's father and when he's older he will naturally be curious about his Dad and why he doesn't have any memories of him before he died. I think you should reach out and see if it's true and if he wants to reach out to your son. Yes it will be hard for him to see him only to die but this could be closure that he will need to live the rest of his life without always wondering what was he like and why didn't he see me. It's easy for us to say no but this could really affect him in his adult life if he never gets that closure. It's not for your ex but for your son.
Hadn't seen him for 8 years though. That's all the closure the kid needs. That's my opinion anyway.
That's not closure at all, it's the opposite.
Tough one. My friend did not and her son has handled it fine (I guess because he never knew him). Going through someone fighting cancer is hell and it stays with you forever. It’s not something I would put my children through. You’d shield them and keep them away from seeing it anyway, that’s not how you want your son to remember him and it’s not how the man will want to be remembered either, sick looking and scary and suffering, so that’s something to think about.
The way I see the two options, you can either let your son know the story of his dad or put your son into it and then it becomes a major (traumatic) event in your son’s life experience.
I think I would ask him to write a letter for your son.
Just saying that not all cancer sufferers look terrible, it's usually people that choose radiation or chemo that do because that's what that does to them. Cancer on its own doesn't make you look terrible. Stage 4 cancer patients often opt not to have treatment and can look better than someone with stage 2 or 3 because of the treatment. My brother has stage 4 and has done for a few years now and you wouldn't even know unless you were told, he's fitter than me and still does his day to day life.
Absolutely NOT. Your curiosity of a dying person is not your child's problem. Let it go. He had his chance.
I would because as much as there is a messy past, you chose to
Have your
Son with him and life is so precious. You will never get this chance again and neither will Your boy. He has the right to see his dad and at least try and know him a
Bit
Before his
Life ends. Don’t take away this one time in his life that he can never get back. If he didn’t hurt your son and wasn’t abusive to him then there is no reason to hold him off from seeing him again. You will regret if you don’t do this and your son may resent you for it for the rest of his life. At least give him the chance, he deserves it and this poor
Man is dying and probably regrets alot in his life. We all make
Mistakes and deserve a chance. He wouldn’t be the same person that you were with. Let your boy build a bond with him while he can. These memories are forever and he deserves to have some with his dad before he passes.
He had financially supported your son and may not have been in a place to be on his life but he has every right to see him before he passes and your son needs to meet him while he still has the chance. You can never get this time back in his life. You should absolutely do the right thing your by ex and your son. Step back and let them know each other before it’s too late.
Yes you should. It would be very cruel to both your son and ex not to. They deserve this last chance to know each other.
I'd try and confirm this before anything else!
I was once told someone I knew had terminal cancer, had mere weeks to live etc. I saw this person about 8 months later looking fantastic. Turned out they did have cancer but it was caught early and was the more easily treated kind. They were in remission by that stage!
The second thing I'd do is ask Dad if he's even willing to see/speak to his son before he goes. He may very well not want that meaning the choice might actually be out of your hands.
If he's on board - I personally would give my children the choice. Kids are so much more resilient that we give them credit for, they often resent us when we try to shield them from difficult or painful experiences.
I wasn't allowed to see my grandfather when he was dying and I wasn't allowed to go to his funeral. My mother thought I was too young and would be too sad (I was 13). It killed me that I was not given the opportunity to say my goodbyes.
If he’s a bad enough father when healthy and hasnt wanted to know his kid, why wait till he’s about to pass? Why mess the kid up? Here’s your father, nope sorry he’s gone. If you do it, it should be because the child wants to. Maybe he wants answers before he passes maybe he wants to spend time with him since he won’t soon etc it’s a tough one and I think either way someone’s getting hurt
How old is the child. I would confirm if it is true and if the father does want to see the child and if he does I would sit down and talk to my child and ask if they want to see them.
I would. I'd call and say sorry this is happening, then shut the door firmly again.
He's made the decision to be AWOL, he even makes it now. You can't force someone to be a decent human being, if you force this now I have a strong belief that is not going to pan out like you want it to.